I got thinking about it because I realize that the larger virtue of modern living today is about ‘homogenizing’ us into patent sub humans who can wear, smell, think and buy as mass consumers, robotically linked to common external buzz-button called an ad. I mean without us all endorsing the same ideas of ‘cool’, 'hip and hop’ how in the world would the ad world figure out how to make us ‘jump’?

Coercion is problematic because it dulls the decision making instinct significantly I think. Over a period of time we cannot even decipher if it is coercion or just what we really want. A good test is that so, so many things we do, say, wear and act out often leave us feeling uncomfortable, ill-at-ease, secretive and distressed. If they were clearly our thoughts then they would be fuelled with the reasons, logic and desires that would help us stand our ground in the face of any rejection/opposition.

So why am I boring you with this on the eve of New Year? Only because I got wondering on how and why, when on the one hand girls are much smarter, brighter, confident and have greater space than ever, do their parents have greater sleepless nights, feel intense panic at possible outcomes and really feel ‘unsure’ about it all? Not trying to be your mother here, just young enough to truly wonder with you. But also just trying to bend my head around this one.

What I want to draw your attention to, is how important it is to KNOW YOUR MIND. And do you? Are your thoughts really your own on what is ok for you and what is not? Do you have the courage to stand tall on what you believe especially when you have to stand outside the pack? So before you hit that party, are you clear on your boundaries? If not, then you are one sitting duck for coercion. More scary than that drink Chaitali warned you to look out for?

So what, I hear you say. And this is my real reason for writing this.

Having worked at IFSHA for many years, I find time and again that a girl finds it hardest to heal her own guilt. And more often than not the guilt is seeded in the coercive path she took which ended up as trauma. She is often able to move on from what happened but her own part in it makes her feel angry (at anything and everything), low self-esteem and a seriously damaged self-confidence. The guilt that echoes the lingering truth – DIDN’T DO EVERYTHING TO PROTECT MYSELF.

Channels like ZOOM and programmes such as PAGE3 are coercing the young en masse – dress up like dolls wrapped around hunks, a drink in your hand (and may be a smoke too) and you are “kewl”! These are swinging times and technology is allowing you to tap to the tunes of New York et al so the adrenalin is high and coercion not a real threat. But I suspect only as long as you land on your feet.

Not long ago in the Dhaula Kuan, 2 young Delhi University students walking down a deserted road at 2 in the morning, and one of them was dragged into a moving car and raped for 4 hours. My question honestly was; what were the girls thinking? I mean, was a trip to the dhaba (local food stall) imperative at that hour of the night? Yes, ideally every girl should have the freedom and space to dress/be/go without fear of attack. But until that ideal world become reality whose life are you messing with? I can also understand that girls have ‘arrived’ into the world of ‘bindaas’ (bold and fearless), hey you have fifty years of women’s lib behind you. And I endorse every fight that wants to break away from meaningless conventions. But I am here talking about the fine line between bravado and sheer stupidity. And truly the fine line wraps itself around some pretty routine and powerful coercive states:

“Are my friends going to think that I am a loser if I don’t go to the party tonight?”

“And what’s worse is if I tell them the real reason – my parents aren’t allowing me. I should just stay in hibernation for at least a year after that!!”

“Oh God! Here come the drinks. How will I say no? Oh what the heck, I can have one. Its just a drink, it cant possibly kill me!”

“How can I be home on New Year’s eve?? I need to get a life!”

“But Mom, the party BEGINS at 10!!!”

“Of course his parents are going to be home during the party. Geez Dad, relax! (they would never let me go if I tell them the truth).”

“So what if I take a short spin in his car alone. He’s not going to bite."

The line of boundaries, vary from person to person. What may qualify as being perfectly normal for one can be terribly uncomfortable for another. What may amount to lewd sexual advances made by a stranger at a party, for X, could be a turn-on for Y. While it may be OK for some girl to let her boyfriend kiss and fondle her in public, it might be downright embarrassing for another.

There can be no hard and fast rules here that apply to one and all. And I think that is what makes it more difficult for us when we are young because we feel trapped in a convoluted web of options. Should I do what I WANT or do what they all do? Well, who has the answers, you ask? To be honest, I don’t think anyone does. No one except YOU! May be its best to look within. When in doubt, ask yourself – “Am I happy doing this?” – “Am I comfortable with what I am doing?” – “Am I doing this because it makes me happy or just to score on the ‘happening’ list?” – “Will I regret this?”

Anything that makes you feel ashamed or bad about yourself is going to take a long, long time to go away. Trust me on this one! And sometimes it may never go away at all but lead to more crazy and self-destructive scenes.

Sorry for what may appear like talking down to your wisdom. Just want to share the brighter and more sunny side to being young ….

You say: “I want freedom”
– Just remember freedom rides tandem with responsibility.

You say: “I want to win the popularity poll among my friends, hands down”
- Well, it may happen. It may not. Does it really matter? Call me old-fashioned but I believe a friend is someone who loves you and respects you for who YOU are.

Here’s wishing everyone a bright and peaceful new year ahead. Happy and Safe partying!!! :)

God bless.