She often told me as a child, “There is always a normal woman behind every successful man, but there can only be a great and humble man behind a successful woman.” At that time I never understood what she meant. But now I see the difference. Not only did she never work, somehow my uncle has slowly dampened her spirit so much that she has forgotten half the things she knew how to do. She is constantly doubtful of her spellings, her ability to start and finish a job. She trembles at the prospect of a scolding if she goes wrong, yet my uncle has never ever verbally or physically humiliated her. He is the most polite person. For years he has been cutting her short, but now if he says something, she gets furious, angry, fights and bursts into tears, crying that her life has been a waste.

What is it that is ailing her? What is her grouse? What is her pleasure in constantly badmouthing him in his absence… All this set me to investigate a hidden realm in a woman’s life.

I remember a girl who was an MFA in fine arts, married to a Computer engineer. Every other day she would make snide remarks, “My husband thinks I am a dimwit.” At first this was just private gossip, but later her irritation was palpable and she often said it in public, humiliating him. All the friends rose to his defense thinking she is being unreasonable. Eventually she divorced him…. She left a note in bengali for him, saying, “Tumi bujhbe na.” ‘you won’t understand.’ Later she disclosed that for years he had been telling her at every instance in life, “you won’t understand.” Because he felt that his science background gave him an edge over her artistic mind. Thus considering her low in intellect. Apparently it may seem harmless but that one dialogue was enough to demoralize her, slowly, humiliating her and disrespecting her intellect, which she could not take for long.

I know a girl who is considered a walking encyclopedia among friends and family. She is extremely talented and well read. She is respected for her knowledge so much that people go to her for solving many of their problems. Her parents, relatives, friends take immense pride in her. She herself was a gregarious, helpful and very hardworking ambitious girl. She got married to, in her version, a very polite and kind and gentle man. But soon after her marriage she turned into a limp shadow of her self. When queried, I found that she suffers from the same ailment. In her words ----

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“It may seem odd that I am seeking appreciation outside of me. But how long can a person keep energizing oneself, if you live with a person who is constantly downsizing you. He is cutting me short, demoralizing me, disregarding me every day. His attitude towards me is condescending, indifferent, disdainful, and contemptuous. (I feel all these mean the same)

I am a changed person now, and I hate myself for that. I have become, loud, repetative and offensive, I am short tempered, I am touchy and I am constantly fighting for my self-respect. His regular behavior towards me is demeaning. When I start talking, by the 3rd sentence, he will make a judgment and disregard it with a shrug or a shake of his hand. He feels that every thing that I say, is useless, baseless and of no great intellectual value… whether I am discussing a movie, or a book or a news item, or something I read or learnt…. It is all rubbish, and lacks intellect. I am trying so hard to get to know how high is his intellect that I can’t reach it, even after being so knowledgeable and well read.

It is so difficult to talk to him that all day I keep weighing things that I would tell him in the evening. I keep preparing myself with different defense mechanisms, when he snaps back at me. He does that so often, that now I stand a bit far from him and judge his mood and then, ask him, can I say something? Because often it has happened, that I start talking, and he frowns and stares and makes a hand gesture of “WHAT?” and then he will just shoo me away… “shhh! Shh!, let me read this…. Let me work…. Not now …. Later, can’t you see I’m watching TV.”

If I am watching a movie, my taste is very bad. If I show him something nice in a magazine, his normal response is, “we can’t afford it.” I was just showing it, I never even said anything about buying it…. A girl friend would probably say, “Wow nice, pretty isn’t it?” That’s it.

I am constantly feeling like I am in school being reprimanded for being a dimwit. I know it is really sad that I am seeking approval from him, but a little appreciation from family is all that keeps us going, isn’t it. I have lost my general vivacity and often stammer or stop midway trying to read his face, before going ahead. Often I don't talk to him for days.

If I start a conversation, he would yawn, or simply get up and leave the room, while I trail off my conversation into a silence of indignation, groping for an audience. Often I talk to a newspaper held up on his face. He is very bad with advice. With my vast knowledge in computers, I have often advised him. But he would rather axe his own feet than listen to me.

When I told him that we are having communication problems, and he should start listening to me, by not being judgmental. He feels that I should not impose all these psychological rubbish on him and what I suggest can’t be implemented.

In total contrast when he is in a good mood, he will come happy, singing, talking to me, cuddling me, being very helpful, discussing “HIS” work achievements and sharing “HIS” knowledge gleaned from TV, paper and magazines or life. At that point I am expected to listen with rapt attention, making no judgment and not disturbing in between.

He also croons and baby talks to me in a baby voice and using adjectives and style of talking, which we would normally do with a 2-3 yr old. Which is exasperating as if I am being treated as a toddler. Apparently that is his way of showing love.

Not only that, he is a dampener on my career. I have worked more than12 yrs on a career, and now that I am looking for a change, he says, “Why don’t you change your career? Anyway you are not getting any good offers.” At first I didn’t get it. Then I realized that he has no respect or consideration for my efforts, experience, knowledge, talent and endeavor. While I am constantly helping him, appreciating him, praising him, pushing him, supporting and encouraging him in his career pursuits. Sometimes even doing some work for him. For him his career is passion. For me my career is a whim, that I can change any time.

I am lonely gloomy and feel unappreciated by the man I thought loved me a lot.

To pursue my career dreams in peace and to find my lost self respect and dignity, I have moved out of his house. He is a constant source of negative energy. Like a trickle of water falling on the same rock for days can make it crack, he is wearing my patience thin. So far in my life I haven’t met anyone who disregards me like that. So I took my place under the sun for granted. But now I need to stand on my own without his stamp of appreciation. I have to stop depending on him. All efforts of talking sense have had no effect, so I think this separation will help me.

I spoke to my mother. According to her, “He is a nice guy. All polite and well behaved to us. Men take years to change. Besides in the end they really don’t change much. They don’t like their wives to challenge their intellect. You should grow a thick skin, as it will take him a long time to become appreciative. He is threatened by yourknowledge and talent, which he obviously lacks."

I spoke to friends… all 6 of them…. According to them, “We are all living with men like that…. You just have to ignore him, live your life and stop trying to please him. He is just too jealous of your charisma and popularity. Shut him out of your mind. Don’t strike a conversation. If he talks intelligent things, just nod and smile. If he is in a bad mood, put on some music and sing aloud, or go for a walk. Don’t give any bhao. Be indifferent. He will hurt your sentiments more if he gets to know that he has the power to hurt you. Men are all like that.”

I don’t know if this solution works… but right now I am practicing how to grow a thick skin.

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This is my friend’s story. This is not marital abuse, but is nothing short of it.
I don’t know if her separation will work. But I can see many women like her around me. Women of the previous generation have somehow resorted to their fate and are living a lonely life in their marriages. Women of this generation are different. Some have taken to food, others to their career as an obsession. Some have taken to the kids… often taking out their frustration by hitting the kids and crying if the kids fail to be up to the mark. There is a friend who collects lipsticks --- almost 450 by now…. There is one, who calls her friends thrice a week, just to sob and vent out her anger on her non-appreciative husband. While there are others who gossip, shop, slander and scheme all day to make other’s lives hell…. (yes there are actually people like the vamps from soaps….)

All these people are lonely and seeking love, due respect and appreciation.

Some decide to walk out of such marriages, but still they are not sure if the next guy they meet will be any better. While there are still millions who gave up the fight to change the attitude of their spouses. Instead they lead reclusive lives.

This is a universal issue. Recently an actress got married, and there was a lot of speculation in media, whether she will work after marriage. But strangely enough she was not asked about it much, rather her parents-in-law and her husband were asked if she would work. As if it is not her decision.

Last month I saw a similar program in Oprah. Four women set out to find themselves. They were all housewives, who burst into tears saying, “I do all the housework, take care of the house and the kids, yet I am not appreciated for my efforts.” They have become obese, shop-a-holic, food addict, exacting mothers and difficult friends.

Is it only a problem of housewives? Or is it a gestation period of men coming of age to accept the newly changing woman? Is it really that difficult for the new generation man to appreciate the progressive women? Is it reality that such men are rare? Is it advisable that women should give up them selves to save their marriages? Is the woman behind a successful man really normal? Or she needs more appreciation for her hard work and sacrifice? Is sacrifice passé now? How do you make your spouse more appreciative of you?
Is it true, that if a spouse hurts you, and you voice it, then he might hurt your more?

Who really needs to grow a thick skin?