In fact our sexual ‘being’ can be divided into three distinct aspects. Primarily a visible self we carry around called our sexual persona, then the invisible and powerful energy field called our sexual aura (where the electromagnetic and gravitational fields of our intentions and desire work assiduously) and of course the root of it all –our sexual mind. Now we have heard countless people like psychologists, mystics, and sex therapists claim that sex is basically in the mind. Exactly why do we have what we call the sexual mind?

The sexual ego then, is the coding mechanism, which in effect rules and triggers all these other personas. The mind is the hub where sexual ego codes its identity and sets off the persona and the aura and all three together become a powerful sexual satellite, receiving and transmitting all that we know as our sexuality, sexual experiences and desires.

The sexual mind is where childhood onwards, our notions of intimacy are carved. Primarily by mum and dad, siblings (especially the rivalry for affection from parents) teachers, friends, relatives etc. etc. Love, hate, respect, violence, aggression, power, manipulation, merits, rewards all are ceaselessly recorded, as we experience them first hand. This then gets coded as our personal system for defining intimacy in its broadest sense. The mind now (say by age 10) sets up the patterns/reference points on how we will assess, value, choose and manage intimacy through this code.

Sexualization, or the messages, experiences and information that we are exposed to as children, enters this very same intimacy code as our sexual persona. Let me clarify. The sexual is seen and understood as the closest human interaction between two people. It is the final frontier of human intimacy ‘understood’ by the human mind. Therefore as we approach this frontier we bring along with us EVERYTHING that defines our notions of intimacy-fear of rejection, hurt, mistrust, betrayal, low self-esteem the desperate desire to control the other etc. etc.

For example, let us turn to the extreme of child sexual abuse (csa). Any child (boy/girl) having been abused in childhood has picked up the following messages-pain, shock, confusion, shame, guilt, low body image, damaged sense of bodily boundaries, sexual power over an adult, secretiveness of the sexual, vulnerability of adults to this realm of their desire/pleasure and manipulation. But none of these messages are distinct and clear in the child’s mind for they are picked up at a visceral level (which is where the child functions intensely) and VISCERAl is the deepest coding within the sexual mind. Hence it becomes foundational, too deep to be spotted by us even as adult intellects. This visceral self, then gets sparked in every sexual interaction, space thereof and we have a legacy now, which is called our sexualization or our sexual ego. For it hides, manages and manipulates broadly all the sexual fears seeded in childhood.

The most alarming reality is that this self, roots all concepts of sexual pleasure that this individual carries. The proof of this fact is that most unhealed csa victims continue to walk into sexually abusive situations and also have frequent violent fantasies. What we need to understand here is, that the csa does not necessarily have to be physically violent or extreme, it could be even as ‘mild’ s being shown pornography, fondled or, seeing one’s parents or anyone else making love etc. What most people don’t realize is that in this very sexual and dysfunctional world of ours, all of us have been exposed at a very young age to experiences, which have left indelible marks or better still sculpted sexual images, definitions and experiences. These now become our individual link between body and mind, pleasure and pain, pleasure and guilt, pleasure and shame, pleasure and violence/aggression. Since the link between pleasure in the body and the mind does not get sculpted as a linear, healthy space the sexual mind gives birth to the sexual ego. Unaddressed fears/confusions/questions/demons fester at the bottom of this sexual ego

Fear is the root, which begins with the child’s experience/understanding of the mystifying sexual. So it includes shame, guilt, secrecy, anger, violence, aggression, body parts, sensual zones, lying, power games, negotiations, closeness (intimacy), comfort, control over another, rewards and punishments. Using the most common definition of the ego being a cover for fear, it is easy to understand why the sexual ego becomes dense, intensely protective, highly manipulative, very aggressive and extremely excluding.

For instance, we are extremely judgemental ‘sexually’. I know the first reaction of many will be ‘no I am not’ but if we dig a little deeper we will see through history, beginning perhaps from Mary Magdeline being stoned onwards, sexual condemnation has lead to the most intense and violent public outcry’s of rage. Stoning for adultery, hounding prostitutes, hate crimes against homosexuals, murdering wives for ‘betrayal’….nothing brings out violence, anger and public hate quite like the sexual does. Even as these incidents dog us through history, man is naturally inclined to shun and damn them rather than understand what lies at their root. Even today when every kind of sexual ‘idiosyncrasy’ is out there and visible in large numbers.

Paradoxically man’s voyeurism is also at an all time high. Pornography is nothing more than voyeurism. Ostensibly called erotica to stimulate the senses, irrespective of whether it is child porn, bestiality or even snuff porn (where you murder after you mate) the sheer sales of porn make it an economic goliath, which no government has been able to overpower. And as the net becomes the largest playground of porn, especially child porn, we need hardly guess on how commonplace and pervasive is it’s demand. Sexual scandals and content ensure high sales of film and media, is hardly a secret fact.

Voyeur and judge both co-exist in us. And betwixt these two lies the cherished sexual mind. The voyeur self feeds on its ‘uncomfortable’ desires and the judge in us in fact expresses hate at its own fears/darkness. Fear, at the inability to conquer what we perceive are our own sexual demons (desires) makes us want to peer into how ‘sick’ everyone else is and gain comfort in comparison. Small wonder, that while parents can stretch themselves to be ‘understanding’ of our various ‘flaws’ they can be the worst judges on our sexual selves. Mothers handing down Victorian morality to daughters, rarely heed the stifling emotional/intimate truths they have known/struggled with themselves. Their fear of their ‘own’ desires perhaps makes them want to stamp out any possibility of their daughter even harboring any ‘wanton’ thoughts.

This convoluted sexual mind then braces against a world dominated by an amazingly narrow and voyeuristic sexual media. Beauty is clearly defined by the media. Short, fat, dark, pimpled and buck-toothed men and women have no right to have any sexual persona so to speak. Winsome, long-legged women and brawny men ooze the ideal sexual mates and body-image becomes an additional and powerful demon.

As fears triggered through childhood abound in our being, adulthood brings in new sets of standards/experiences to add to our general sexual anxiety and low self –esteem. Visceral confusions/pain of childhood now weave into defined articulate anger and mistrust as adults. This is the realm of the sexual ego. It bars naturalness, spontaneity, beauty and joyous resonance. Its hard drive, the sexual mind, articulates and justifies the cycle of mistrust and denigration. What we see within we reflect outside.

In my next post I will conclude with how this storehouse of sexual ego/mind within then sculpts both our persona and our sexual aura to set the stage for the nature of sexual experiences we have through our life. Nothing comes to us without being ‘invoked’ by our sexual mind and its convoluted desires.