Excellent post Sundar

If there is one demon that rides our back it is the desire to be needed/validated/appreciated. Unfortunately we mistake it for love. Love is none of that. Love is truly the ability to love the entirety of who the other is not inspite of their weaknesses but because of them. But how can one do that? Everything in an unconscious state of living is about projecting onto the other all that we desire perceive of ourselves. When(if) unconditional love comes our way we are too busy mistrusting it and hence reject what it has to offer.

Fighting others we are only fighting ourselves, mistrusting others we only mistrust ourselves, rejecting others we only reject ourselves. Perhaps that is why all schools (healing/spiritual etc)converge on the one truth that in loving yourself you learn to love others. In healing your heart you flow unchecked towards the world. I guess because then we cease to seek/search and need. Strangely it is only then that the most unexpected, miraculous love begins to flow from others. Often from the most unexpected quarters and often from those too whom we have given up on.

"to grow in love, the consciousness has to expand until finally the self dissolves and only love remains.." indeed no greater truth exists and none which can finally turn the key and catapult us into the world where we see all as a mirror of the essential Self-no divisions, no struggles and no discord.

That is why all 'renunciation' is outmoded and impotent. Like Osho said "escape from the home and go to the monastery. Escape from the market and go to the Himalayas. But how will you escape from yourself? You will create the same world everywhere unless you change."

To change the experience of love one needs to change the perception within. Otherwise all that comes from outside, irrespective of how many scenarios/people/relationships we change, leaves us experiencing the same anger/hurt/lack of love.

Beautiful piece Sundar. It is so true that more often than not, we kill ourselves in an effort to be needed by the other. that other could be anyone.

An uncle of mine had commented (not on the blog) on my piece "The Lonely Girl" saying, its actually the men's insecurities and loneliness that they transfer onto the women. Its 'their' need to be needed that prompts them make women feel that they need to have men in their lives. I dont know to what extent its true. It was just my uncle's take on it. May be the guys reading this blog can clarify this.

"Fighting others we are only fighting ourselves, mistrusting others we only mistrust ourselves, rejecting others we only reject ourselves. Perhaps that is why all schools (healing/spiritual etc)converge on the one truth that in loving yourself you learn to love others. In healing your heart you flow unchecked towards the world. I guess because then we cease to seek/search and need."

So true Jasjit!

tx jasjit..to change the experience of love, one has to change perceptions within...beautiful lines...love indeed is our abilities to accept another just as he or she is...not as we would like them to be...

tx shubhosree, i guess all of us are transferring our insecurities onto others...dont think it has a gender dimension to it...

I guess you are right Sundar

Wonderful piece Sundar. You write about how when we realise the intensity of this need we often feel humiliated. I do agree with that and it is that very humiliation which can begin the process of transformation. For the very ego which keeps us trapped is also the one which holds the key to our freedom.

love
Anusheh

tx anusheh...yeah...when we are in touch with ourselves, integrally, it opens a lot of doors in transformative spaces...until then , we look to change things on the outside...

nice post sundar!!!!
as jasjit said loving ourselves gets us closer to loving others..

but i used to often wonder if loving someone else doesnt complete us in some way or the other do we cease to love .. do we stop needing someone then..
but love is often complicated !!!!!!

tx preethi....guess, needing someone is centred around us, our requirement...the proverbial story of caging a bird because we like it a lot...

good points Sundar; when we are aware of our own needs; then we can project a more purified intent to attract same.

I think it is critical for people to self-evalutate regularly; no less than a tune-up of house-hold environments and cars, etc... we must also keep our evaluations of self in tune with the age and times of changes.

Myself, I've been often, introverted; a shyness and shame which begets being raised in extreme poverty; the fact I understand this, was its own healing.

But, I have always been more of my masculine self out of self-defence and preservation really; pretty on the outside(well, long ago); but, b/c of the many issues a pretty, poor girl in bad neighbourhoods and uneducated must endure from boys/men; we learn to project a toughness, or uncanny sense of constant humour. Some become whores, and surrender, much too soon.

I learned both methods of survival well; became bell of the ball, and would sing, dance, and tell poetic thoughts which flowed from me without notice; and was a great story/joke teller; I became a value that way, and never abused... ppl would see me as strange, for a beauty(who me?) so different being athletic, and too old a spirit to be so young... I would be seen as deserving protection, rather than as a sex target from some boys/men; and that was my mission!!

I became henceforth,,,a woman, independant; when I left my 15 yr. marriage with my then, 3 yr. old son. whew!

But, my being as such; needs/wants/craves/desires a co-dependant relationship in this phase of life. I am at my best wellbeing, when sharing with a man/husband. I love to fuss on them with their favorite cooking! I've been alone a very long time... time has revoked the beauty, and taken my pretty face, and replaces it with layers of wrinkles and lines... over time.

I am at a last phase, one, which will take me to my independance day(earthly retirement/death/transcend?

I am not afraid so much of being alone, it's already been 15 years alone with my son, I'm celibate, seven years this May; I enjoy my own company... I craft, do beading, read, design, volunteer; active parent, daughter... neighbour; love old classic movies(blush)

I am not desperate, nor helpless...been there and done that hell on earth phase!!(wink)

today, as I was pointed out as a warrior... I see, once again, I must sing, dance and laugh?(wink)

I remember, in the beginning of my "choice to be celibate" until a man was wise enough to "win it" I faced terrible consequences from my family, friends... lol I have had plenty of offers from men my age, and younger(ahem) but, none made my heart twitter... that's all; that's it; NO sexual hangups!! A real mature decision; for my sake of saving my flesh from disease; but, also for my sons respect of his self; and that of his peers he must face.... : ) that's it....

My only underlying need, seems to always be that I flourish in a co-dependant relationship; and I don't.. when alone?

Hm,, 2006 should be an interesting journey....

North

sure should be an interesting journey,north...the need to feel needed is not limited to 1-1 interpersonal spaces; it also manifests in our need for social recognition, peer appreciation and the like....once one sees this external dependancy for internal self-esteem, one gets liberated of it.

we are all very ancient , north...if we are able to put our life journies in context across lifetimes...repetitive patterns binding us even as we strive to break free...breaking free is an internal phenomenon in toto....which would find manifests outside...the beauty that such a freedom unleashes is unparalleled...

warriors alone dare to take this uncharted journey...beyond concepts into the domain of the unknown, the unexplored...and no doubt about that, you are a warrior. we all stumble, fall but only to rise up and walk again....falls which do not flatten us only strengthen us.

Thought provoking piece Sundar. However when I read it & the comments I wonder what would bind us to the world if we stopped needing validation, love etc. If we grow beyond needing others what's the point of all these people in our lives, of love, excitement , ecstasy, yearning ? Life would seem so pointless if Man became an island unto himself? I understand the point about struggling & hurting in love but then is that not what makes life what it is?

North
I am just amazed at all your experiences and at who you are. Sometimes you just sound so unreal. I hope you heal of all your pain & also find the rainbow you so deserve.
love

tx radhika...in my opinion, we are able to see only in the context of our perceptions and what we have known about...dimensions of life that exist beyond should be met with awe and wonder....so many new excitements and experiences may await us in those uncharted domains..man has had an eternal quest for joy and love...and these are domains of critical explore and more often than not beyond frontiers of our conditioned knowledge.

Hi Radhika,

Thought provoking question. In my view, not 'needing' anyone does not mean not 'loving' anyone. the love that will exist then is the purest form coz it will be totally unconditional :)

Good Morning everyone!

the need of love and the need of recognition are essentially the same, the first connects one to particular individuals while the second connects one to the general populace.

the first underlines our search for particular opposite sex while the latter underlines our search for Woman or Man in general, or Parvati/Shiva, depending upon whether we are a male or a female.

this later is an urge from the deepest within of our beings, right from where we got separated as yin and yang.

the particular leads to the general, the general to finally within...for, separation and joining together of yin/yang finally happens within our own selves. it is just this which was said in symbols as adam creating from within himself eve...

harb ji lol.

Good Morning Harb

Well said. The cycle seems long and convoluted and yet it is the simplest journey, seems incomprehensible and yet nothing makes greater sense. Feels like the long road to Buddhahood and yet it is exactly where you stand, seeking that which you already are looking for the elusive which flows in abudance within.

tx shubhoshree, harb(ji) and jasjit...

now what more to say, jasjit! we are like gods first creating our own worlds and then taking them back...

ananda anandam!!

btw jasjit, you may find it interesting to read that a few days ago i went to sant ji' place and settled the things with him so to say.

his gurudawaras were at three places in a village near khemkaran near indo-pak border. accompanied by my eldest sister, nephew and others first i went to one gurudawara, sat there for about 15 minutes in complete silence but experienced nothing worth describing. as i did not find any photo of sant ji there i asked my sister about the photos and she told me that there is an other gurudwara on the other side of the village and in fact the saint mainly lived there. and that gurudwara also has his photos. then we went there.

there in a small bhora-like gurudwara i found his only picture, taken after his death with all his many sevadars/jatha-members standing behind him. suddenly i recognised standing among them then a young sevadar from our village called 'baba leh leh' standing right behind sant ji's body. he was the first person i knew as a baby who bowed before me, wept while touching his eyes at the blackspot on my arm saying "o mereo patshao, o mereo satguro.." and doing many other like things. the recognition catapulted me to my babyhood days, from where then i recollected the whole story of my life once again up to that hour and then left it there while telling the saint in my mind that with this man i began my journey with him and now again with this man i am ending it. and so please accept my final sat sri akal and let me be on my own now. after this i got relaxed.

later when my sister and others were talking among themselves of going to the third gurudwara i told them that there is now really no need of going to that gurudwara, the purpose of our visit has been served, though they did not understand what i meant. we went to the third gurudwara as well though and had langar and tea...which was so tasty that i felt it was sort of a farewell party by the late saint. or at least i took it as such.

now it will be interesting to see how MY own life unfolds...that is, if i have any life other than the saint's... interestingly, saint's life ended up for me doing what exactly a saint will not do lol.

lol sundar, read your post after posting mine...now i am no longer 'ji', as you will read above..i have settled the issue with the ji thing...now i am plain harb...

plain harb minus the saint's baggage!like being "born-again!"

Harb

Blessings to you for completing that cycle. In freeing youself you have also freed his cluster for another level(but more on that some other time). Its a homecoming of intense magnitude and the miracles of that are now to begin. Now truly you just need to focus on yourself (the sant Ji has transferred all that he needed to) and no longer will there be any shadow of his past. Just focus on the lightness of your being for a while. Visit the heart chakra often and you will begin to sense a hum and a new emptiness. It will foretell a new phase of your creativity.

Ananda Anandam

thanks sundar, jasjit.

jasjit, additional thanks for bringing my dhyana to the fact that i needed to do something at my visit at sant's place and not just visit. i had been thinking of visitng the place for over a year now but perhaps could not simply because someone like you was yet to bring it into my notice what i needed to focus on there...

yes...cleansing has been done...passions have been overcome by passing through their inferno...heart is left mostly with itself now...it could begin a new play...play within the play...it could merge with the all play...which too has been its own for ever...i had sensed the change even before going there though...it perfectly tallied in some way with the beginning of this new season...

Dear Sundar,,, so very true indeed!

Dear Radhika.... thankyou.....yes, I am real.....every story, event, experience, 100% true! I can certainly understand the disbelief at times..... I disbelieve at times, when these things are happening to me! lol Thankyou for your kind words Radhika,,,, so nice to hear from time to time.....

Dear Harb; you have had quite a journey in life...enjoy your new one tremendously!!

North

Good Morning Harb

It was all meant to come together and so it was done. This year being number 8, carries great powers of transformation for all who wish to access it. Similarly the first month of the year came to a number 9, a number of completion. That is the reason I had sugested you visist the Gurudwara in january. So the completion has happened in the year of transformation. Perfect!

Interesting you had the expereince at his 'bhora' like Gurudwara. that is where he must have done the bulk of his sadhna. I am still not beyond being fascinated at how all is so scientific, arranged perfectly and without error and in fact there is really no mystery. Its all so very clear.

No thanks are needed my friend. we are all an indelible extension of each other, here to support and enrich the joint play. If only we would stop fighting/mistrusting each other and seeing it as separation how perfectly the wisdom would just protect us all.

Much love

did you suggest it in january??...fascinatng...i thought it just happened now, and in a way it did.

my yougest sister and younger brother who happen to live in delhi suddenly came to visit us about a week ago. from here they were to go to amritsar so i just thought i will also go with them. then i requested my nephew who also lives here to accompany me as i also intended to visit the gurdawara of sant ji which he and his mother (my eldest sister) had been telling me about so many times. though he was very busy in his own business he readily agreed.

as my nephew knows evrything about me and sant ji and is in fact as close to me (he lived with me ever since he was a child and also has the same black spot but on his leg).when we were about to leave an other interesting thing happened. from my home i and all others went to my nephew's home to take him along. there we found that they were preparing missa parathas. though we had taken our breakfast, my brother could not resist and he took a paratha. at first we all laughed as we always knew he could never resist any eatable. but when he had taken a couple, my sister asked for one. then her husband, finlly me and others...and then it so happened that we could not count the number so many parathas we did in fact eat. nobody knoew where really the parathas were going. my nephew said as we were going to sant ji's place, it is in fact his 'jatha' which is eating parathas through us. he in fact went on calling us jatha whereever we went.

as to fighting/mistrusting, i think once the separation has taken place, it takes a bit of rubbing and adjusting to fit into one again no matter even though may be nearing the end. well said though and much love back. writing this just a thought came...when fighting will stop altogether...will we be able to write here/to each other still?

anyway, well met!

ananda anandam!

wonderful, jasjit, i rechecked the email and indeed you suggested to visit the gurdwara in january. so my god, it all happened perfectly on its own, though i had forgotten the january connection. it looks to me you had written the email long long time ago...as always things happen through me rather than by me...

thank you dear north. i wonder whose journey is more difficult...yours or mine...anyway, now that everything is before you all will be clear soon...my best wishes are always with you..

harb

thanks Harb; it is nice to see "clearly" a little more each time we are that much more farther from the starting gate... feels good, to be in an open field... pacing myself, before I break speed...

My thoughts are also, with you in good intentions for a record-breaking book release in March, Harb; May the universe conspire to bring you forward to the top, with your ground-breaking revelations, which we, the public wait for...

North