A very well chosen issue Chaitali and equally well dealt with!

Vaginismus - a very common problem it seems and I feel that not only is it important to make the women aware of the 'real' reasons behind it but also make their partners aware of them too coz I believe a lot of it can be resolved if the two can talk about it, provided of course she receives support in a sensitive and understanding manner from the 'other'. It might help the woman to free herself from her fears and relax.

Again, great piece Chaitali and well-researched!

Good issue, Chaitali Dasgupta!

I don't have this specific issue; but, I have developed a fear of sex.

I was married 15 years, had a great sex-relationship with my husband..we were considerate and loving lovers.

When I left my husband, I had a fear of sex with another man; I am still legally married..I fear getting Aides..disease..

I have had a total abdominal hystercomy; obviously a last course, for painful mentstrual cycles which lasted twice as long as normal.

A geonecologist mentioned it was lack of sex, and the use of hormonal stimulation? lol He encouraged me to purchase a B.O.B. which my best friend gave me for a 40th birthday present. It hurt worse than a real penis.

I remained without sex, after I left my husband, and it wasn't from lack of want or desire from men; in the beginning it was my religious "place" and I was raising a son now,,,alone..so that was my main priority..a good role model for my son..and in particular for the religion we were born to.

After about 3 and half years of abstaining from sex post seperation from hubby; I met an old male friend; a mutal, mature man whom I felt comfortable enough with; that we enjoyed consentual adult sex. It hurt.

I waited almost another 3 years... again, it hurt..so much so, its just not enjoyable,,and I found myself pushing him slightly away..instead of closer.

OK< more than three years later, again; I found comfortable attraction with a 2nd man; to try sex again(blush).. again, painful, if not a little moreso.

It's not so much a dry vagina; from the hysterectomy; but, it's as if my vagina has "shrunk"; my son is adopted, so I've never birthed a child.

The main pain is on one side..the right; I've mentioned it to my doc; he attributes it to age, and lack of sex for too long..

I know, I am being very blunt for a public blog; but,,,It's been almost six years since I've enjoyed a mans body with mine; and I miss the male affection and pleasure..a companion relationship..or even consentual adult sex; should I have the want...

I had always hoped; that now that my son is off to college; that by now, I'd have a male companion..maybe a new husband even?

but, if sex is so painful,,, how could I pursue a relationship with a man, on a more regular basis, as his "girl" so to speak? So I confide in him about it?

Also,,,just as critical; is that I was only 34ish when I left my husband...and am now 49...and time/age has shifted my youth(giggles), I've also lost a portion of a breast, to a large tumour in 1998(benign) which resides in a hospital in Toronto, as it was quite unusual; so now, I have that fear of "rejection" because of the breast disfigurement; the painful reaction to sex; from a man?

I have tried vaginal gel the last time(I was taking advice) but, I found it burned/chafed my skin; like a friction burn? lol

Help! lol any thoughts to clarify my dillema? I don't want to spend my last days without love and a companion to share it with?

North

Chaitali

As usual a very well researched piece. And I couldnt agree more when you say that the treatment needs to focus on the fear, not on paralyzing it and ignoring it.

I used to know this psychiatrist who had been raped and subsequently had developed vaginismus. Despite being a very successful and well known psychiatrist she was unable to help herself resolve it. Its strange that often what we prescribe to others quite happily, fails to work on our own selves and yet we still do not wake up, do not go deeper.

Dear North

Sex is in the mind. Its needs, ideas, concepts, desires unfortunately are all in the mind. That is why fantasy, pornography, sexual stereotypes of what is 'sexy' moves the world at large in fairly homogeneous way. And that is precisely the reason fear and anxiety decide how we 'experience' the sexual. Because fear and anxiety are triggers of the mind. Memory, ideas, self-perceptions place them there and then they intrude and take over the 'experience of the sexual'.

It is important to understand and integrate this truth before you can begin any healing work on the sexual.

So you may well ask then why does one feel desire in 'the body'? And the answer simply is that we feel the desire to 'love' in our heart too but it is the mind which creates 'fear', 'mistrust', 'rejection' and disallows us from loving as we want to. The mind is the reigning principle in all that we are and especially so in the sexual.

Healing the sexual therefore is very simply returning the body to its sensual zone where it can experience the wonder of its heights as joy, fun, lightness and passion.

In your case the mind has trapped the body behind two clear doors- religious morality of right/wrong/sinful/immoral and the body image of feeling unfeminine and not beautiful. This mind moves in before the body can even begin to experience joy, intimacy and warmth. In rejecting the 'self' the head makes you incapable of 'offering' the self for play and passion.

The right side of your vagina experiences the greatest pain! Voila! the right side is where our ego/mind dominates so there you have a perfect clue from your body.

Firstly I would suggest you get some beautiful bath gels (splurge on this one for it will bring manifold healing selves) play some music when you shower and take time to gel, caress and stroke your skin. SHUT the interfering head looking for disfigurements. Stroke each nook and cranny, keep your eyes closed and experience the BEAUTY of skin, softness, touch and the blessing of sensuality and body. THIS must be done like a meditation (i.e focus on beauty)for at least a month.

The next step is to begin to add masturbation to your routine. Again, if you can light beautiful candles in your room, play soothing music, using breathing exercises to relax your self and let your thoughts create a beautiful scenario of flower valleys, moonlit night, freedom, dancing energy and begin to explore/arouse yourself. Try to masturbate without the intrusion of another at first to ensure moving to a self-celebratory concept of the body.

In fact as soon as you will try these two-you will spot how the head will step into block, scare, mock and destabalize you. See that head dear North and understand that the mind is finally and completely at the root of all our suffering.

For instance religion and sin will play havoc with your thoughts. And that is where we lose freedom, lightness and naturalness of our being. The body is a temple, the greatest gift of mysriad joys and wonders, it was gifted to know and celebrate- all other concepts are anti-life. Masturbation is a natural act, possible only because the body came equipped to play with "ITSELF".

I have said enough. Just contemplating these will show you the roads of both your bondage and your release.
Love and lightness

Dear North,

I hope that Jasjit's response will help you deal with the delimma.

In India women with 'perfect' breasts also suffer from the feeling of 'rejection'. This is because of the religious/cultural emphasis on the breasts as an organ whose only role/function lies in breast-feeding babies. From childhood the girl is constantly told to cover her breasts under layers of clothing. To think of the breast as a sensous organ is equal to committing a sin for many women. With this type of a 'sin' attached to the breasts how can the women enjoy sex with their partners. The constant fear of the 'sin' keeps lurking in their minds, making them feel uncomfortable with every touch of their partner.

North comfort with your own body, your self is of utmost importance. So go ahead with the wonderful adventure of discovering your body and its beauty as Jasjit has suggested.

PS call me Chaitali :)

Love
Chaitali

Hi Chaitali,

Very informative article.Was quite an eye-opener.
Thanks.

Good morning everyone.

Dear Chaitali,

Very informative & clear.

Indeed it is equally important for us (males) (as Shubhosree indicated) to be patient, sensitive & ready-to-help or listen at least to our partners, should a need arise.

In fact we should make a conscious effort to bring comfort in the mind (of the 'self' and of the 'other') and hence reduce those 'fears' that impair sexual feelings.

In other words I'm agreeing to Jasjit in that 'the Mind has it all'. Once we can identify & disconnect from the mental pressures - societal, parental, or any other - I think we can enjoy each moment of our lives (Sex being an important part of it of course).

Hey Anusheh:)
"Often what we prescribe to others quite happily, fails to work on our own selves". Can relate easily. But as I understand, in practical sense, it is because such prescriptions are easy to say out but quite difficult to put into practice. I also understand that it is a good sign that we can give advise to others to help, its just that (as you said) we do not take it on ourselves as seriously as we prescribe to others. (Need to love 'self' more). --- "Easier said than done" i guess :-)
Keep it coming all.

Good morning Prasun.

Surya I think the problem in this specific case was that (especially as scientists) it often becomes very difficult for us to bend our minds towards other forms of healing. However this is not just the case with the scientific community. Many people come to IFSHA who find it difficult to subscribe to alternative healing and refuse to even give it a chance. I guess it requires courage to be able to seek outside of the trained/conditioned mind. Just some thoughts...
love

Hey Anusheh,

"It requires courage to be able to seek outside of the trained/conditioned mind". Indeed!
One step with that courage can perhaps bring in openness (though gradually).

:)

Good Afternoon Prasun,

I guess your morning stretches a bit longer into the day :)

Hi Surya and Anusheh,

With reference to your discussion about applying the same prescription on yourself as you do for others, I just wanted to share that whenever I am in a predicament, I try to come out of it for a while and view it as an outsider. And think that what would I have said to someone if he/she approached me with the same problem?

I invariably get my answer! :)

Dear Shubhosree,

It clearly shows your inner strength, the ability - to discern & be able to analyse with a different perspective.
I have felt it working for me too. Just that the mind takes some time off (a 'while') to come to its real center.:)

Respects.

Thanks Surya. I am still working at it :)

Hey Shubhosree,

About my morning stretching a bit longer into the day ;-) well that is what i call professional hazard.

Have been in office since 8am (that too on an off day) and was deliberately not browsing the internet (esp the blog..well what else),or else i knew would have been engrossed in it and my work would have gone for a toss.

Goodafternoon

See "Some mistakes are too fun to make twice" :-)

Prasun,

appreciate your sense of discipline. Work time is work time indeed! :)

yeah and we're the lucky ones because this bus happens to be part of our 'work' :)

Hello Chaitali,

have to admit that i wasnt aware of this. i mean i knew that women are scared about sex (specially the first time) bcoz of the pain, the hymen breaking and stuff. but i didnt know that it is a medical condition and that it had a name - vaginismus. but then again, as you so beautifully explained that its not really a 'medical' condition after all. its all in the mind.

i can understand when it comes out of various fears and misconceptions about love, sex, body image etc. but what about girls like priya, who had none of those. it was just the fear of hymen tearing and the thought of pain that caused the involuntary contraction of her vagina? how can one get rid of that fear?

Dear Anusheh & Shubhosree & all IFSHAians

Indeed you all are lucky & fortunate to be doing what you love :-)

Kudos !!! IFSHA & www.isitaboutsexblog.com

Hi Surya, Prasun, Anusheh, Shubhosree

Yes Shubhosree, viewing yourself from the otherside really works.

How many of us really spend time to love our body? How many of us stand in front of the mirror and look at our body? It can work wonders to see how every inch of the body has been carefully created.

Surya,

Men and women both need to be sensitive to the other. They need to know not only about the other's body but their own too.

thats a good question chaitali. I know that more people (from the ones I know and have chatted with) tend not to build a relationship with their body. Its a really interesting phenomenon. Ones body is the doorway to all experience and sensation yet we pretend it really doesnt exist. We're quite strange as a species dont you think....even monkeys know they have to spend a lot of time grooming themselves:)

Surya,

Oops missed a word in the line. I meant: TRUE, men and women both need to be sensitive to the other....

Dear Shalini,

The pain that comes with the breaking of the hymen during first intercourse is much hyped. Most of the time what we read/hear about this is exaggerated. People talk about it as if it's going to equal the pain of somebody tearing off our arms or legs. Believe me that is nowhere even near the truth!

Most of the time the pain goes unfelt if the two partners are physically and emotionally comfortable with each other.

The hymen might have broken at some other time like while exercising, cycling, swimming, mastrubation and the person might have not even known.

Priya's mind was stuck with a 'violent' image. If she had enquired about the stories that she had heard from proper reliable sources she might have been able to do away with the fear at its very early stage.

Hello Surya, Prasun, Shalini

Interesting and sensitive thoughts from all here.

Chaitali
What an important, bold and well-written piece this is. So very central to sexual well-being, so common as a fear, so hidden in its web. And you have brought out all its facets so comprehensively I'm sure its going to change many, many people's ideas about body and sensuality.
Well Done!

Interesting post Chaitali. Didn't realize it was such an acute and common problem. Though the way you interpret the causes I'm not surprised. Such a clear cause & effect thing and a great discussion on the thread. Whoa! hats off to you North for your openess, wish I was that natural too. And Jasjit you too-out there, calm, flowing and soothing. O.K is there something you don't work on? Its just great to know Ifsha exists.
Surya & Prasun what gentle people you both are !
On a lighter vein, though Venkat may kill me, I remember our first sexual experience was so funny. I mean I had this fit of hysterics which first confused him but then he joined in and the laughter brought in so much comfort and ease.
I agree when approached with lightness and love the sexual is just a gread fun space.

Three Cheers for Venkat for taking it with such ease!

Hey Radhika,

that was really sweet of you to have shared that story with us. I am sure Venkat will take it in the right spirit. What say Venkat? :)

Dear Chaitali,

No Problems. Chill. Had alerady assumed the "TRUE"th :).

Hey Jasjit, Radhika: Thanks. Nice to know that experience Radhika. In a relationship like that, I don't think Venkat would mind at all (thinking from a male perspective):-).

Everyone - Shubhosree, Jasjit,
Just keep it flowing guys. Its good that way.

Just wanted to say I am so moved by the openess of this thread. I mean this is rare on the subject of sexuality. Like in India, or even the net. Does anyone know of another blog which is talking so openly [I mean in a healthy way!]. And why I'm so excited is because this is what a sexual revolution should be about. Healthy, open
sensitive and informative!

I mean North I am Soooo impressed with how freely you share all. You know I think it shows a rare strength. I cannot imagine why you cannot leave your 'misfortune' behind because courage and clarity are such rare gifts. Right Jasjit?

And the men on this thread are so open and receptive [though Venkat is still going to kill me] I mean imagine what we can all create as a vibrant, healthy & of course 'healing' space. Right Ifsha guys!

I'm just so touched by it all thought I just had to share. : ]

Wish I could post some animated smilies here dancing on the blog bus.

Dear Radhika,

Thanks a lot for the words of encouragement! It really means a lot to us. :-)

We are glad that the blog has been able to provide you a space where you can just BE! Keep blogging!

Sorry about the animated smilies. Unfortunately, this blog software doesnt support them.

Dear JASJIT...

all great suggestions; some of which my doctor/and gonecologist mentioned to do...including buying a B.O.B.(battery operated boyfriend) which a best friend gave me on my 40th birthday.(blush) but, that hurts too,,,if not more; b/c it's too hard, it's not natural like a real penis... so there went that!! The docs explained masterbation was crucial in my case,,,as to thwart developing an "atrophic vagina" which horrified me, just the thought of it!! I mean, I have an atrophic stomach; the pain is immense..the thought of an atrophic vagina is horrifying..... I tried everything the docs,,,and you......mentioned...

My exhusband and I had a very wonderful, healthy sex-relationship; we were caring, gentle lovers,,,though of course had our moments of animalistic-passions too(giggle.) I suppose, another minute fear, is that what if a lover "now" is not as gentle, or sensitive? but, mainly.....yeah,,,, I do think of my old wrinkly body,,,the breast,,,everytime I feel an attraction to a man; those are my first thoughts,,,, and before you know it; the desire to consumate passion,,,pass's..... for some profound reason..it's as if that's what I wanted... to stop it.

Dear CHAITALI :

I will re-read this article a few times; b/c it has really opened a closed door for me, in many respects..... growing up Catholic,,,,,we did not talk about these things....we hid our bodies, as you mentioned....my sis and I shared a bedroom; and we were made to undress/change with our backs to each other; it's a shame, we were raised to see our bodies as possible sin-making machines, when young and not able yet, to understand sexuality.... it's odd; but, I see me now as a cliche,,,a deprived syndrome... lol I cannot begin to express the compound effect this article has impacted on me... it's like it opened a shutted door; and I hear the old, heavy door, creaking open... thankyou!

Dear RADHIKA:,,,

well, I wasn't going to express my dilemma.. I mean, it's pretty personal,,,and sensitive; however... being only 49... I don't want to spend another moment..... in pergatory, or self-imprisoned in a distorted view/perception of my sexuality.... Trust me, it took a lot of courage for me to spill my guts on my issues(gentle smiles.)

But, I 've come to trust this site,,,and contributors... I see NO malice intent, nor do I see us being "used" as perpective study models...... I see true healers, who love their work; care about the human psyche,,,enough to parlay with people like me,,,,, I don't feel like a "client" per se; but, it's been an amazing journey for me,,,,just coming and reading some of the blogs which hold knowledge about some of my personal concerns...and trials and tribulations...

I feel comfortable posting my thoughts here... I've never once felt ridiculed or shamed for my weakness's...or my plights on issues pertaining to the human spirit,,,and human body... in fact, I feel more comfy posting here about my "shortcomings" than I did, talking with my doc or a gonacologist!! lol

I sit here,,,and am often in "awe" at the intelligence,,,, the ability that you contributors "have" to fascilitate this online, open discussion forum..... the uncommon level of compassion each contributor shows visitors whom talk openly about "sensitivities" is so commendable...

So, thanks Radhika.... it's nice to know that others see my courage, and not just my faults; it means a lot to me,,, to know I am seen "true."

CONTRIBUTORS: I feel enwrapped with hope in healing.... thanks, to each one of you!!

North

Good Morning All

North
Thank you for your kind words about this blog. But we in essence alway invite what we need. You are therefore an integral part of this 'blog bus' as some love to call it for you touch so many with your pain, your courage and your hope. EAch and everyone brings a unique link to this chain and is therefore irreplacable in what they contribute and place. Your wisdom, creatvity and 'lust for life' inspires many, many people on this blog. Bless You.

Radhika
Thanks for your encouragement. Again we each create and carve this space to where it will eventually head. One can only hope it provides all of us a kind of unique 'satsang' space where we jointly seek and discover rare and hidden truths to everyday things that make us who we are.
love

Thanks Jasjit; everyone here is a rare gem; if I created this tranquil base; I waited so long; b/c I was waiting for the "perfect" place,,,to stand naked and be willing to re-build my self, among obviously good intentioned professionals as contributors, and wonderful posters..to resonate with too.

I've not seen such a nice place as this; with NO negative "vibes."

IS this a StairWay to Heaven?(gentle smiles.)

North

Dear Surya

Right said pal.."Just keep it flowing guys. Its good that way"

Dear North

Hats off to you for the courage ! Bravo !The ease with which you wrote about the so-called "Scandalising Taboos" was heartwarming.Thanks.

Hey Radhika

Thanks for the compliment
"Surya & Prasun what gentle people you both are !"
I feel like a gentleman now ;-)

Dear Jasjit

What do i say about your wisdom (do i need to in any case ?)Truly Inspirational !!

Dear Shubhosree

How r u doin today?

Hello All

I am new here. But reading for long time now. I want to know that if masturbation good for person then why so many religion say it is bad. I know boy who talks about masturbating all the time. But in my society people say that it make you weak and not able to have sex and child. But you are talking and saying it is good thing to do. As boy one also wake sometime at night and bed be wet. Is it because I think of sex and so my body punish me. I would like to have answer please

Hi Prasun and North,

I am doing great! Just chilling on a lazy sunday morning :)

IT is barely past 3 in the morning here right now for me,, my spirit wants to watch A sunrise, it would seem; and who am I to say no to a sunrise, for my spirit?

It is deep-freezing where I live; and if anyone here is from Alberta, Canada...send a Chinook!

A Chinook is a warm gust of hot air, coming off the mountains... when we lived in Alberta, one could be finding themselves in a very low, black-cloudy sky day; and hot air/wind, very strong.....

IN winter,,,it would melt a snowy-wonderland within 24 hours; NO slushy aftermath..usually just melts and evaporates...

so, a Chinook would be nice up north here...as we don't get them, we have no mountains. lol

North

Hi Hassan

Welcome to the blog. Let me try and respond to your questions. First of all Islam is not against masturbation just as it is not against sex. In fact the Prophet is quoted to have said that he frowned upon those who led celibate lives and that if any of his followers did so, thinking that they would thus be closer to God, he would infact be going against Gods wishes.

The reason why societies are so against masturbation is that they live in fear that if sexual climax becomes something which both men and women can expereince on their own then there would be no need for marriage perhaps and if there were no need for marriage then no one would have children and the social structure would collapse.

If masturbation were not healthy for one then why would God give us the ability to masturbate in the first place? There is no such thing as masturbation making a man weak. These are all myths created to keep people scared from experiencing the joy of their own being.

It has scientifically been proven that sex is important to maintain a healthy mind and a healthy body. Medical science has begun to encourage men to masturbate because it can reduce the chances of prostratic cancer. Similarly women who are not having sex are encouraged to do so to keep their hormones in balance and uterus healthy.

There is nothing wrong or sinful about thinking of sex. It's a very natural thing to do. What you are experiencing at night is also very normal and lots of boys experience that. Its a hormonal thing which passes with age.

Hope this helps.

Hi North

Stairway to Heaven indeed sounds like a great promise. But no negative vibes...hmmmm, I don't know if its possible for light to exist without some darkness and vice versa. All has to be part of it, if the play is complete. All I think we can hope for is that we all continue to choose light in the midst of the challenge of the dark. But to expect that this blog is only made up of light may well set us up for disappointments no doubt. I would rather it give us all the chance to encounter whatever comes with the hope that we move to new thresholds of embracing, understanding and ensuring that we do not lose the promise of moving to the light.

Just a wonderous hope! :-)

I agree with North. There is something about this blog. I mean everybody Sundar Aachi, Jasjit, Anusheh, Shubhosree, Chaitali, the duo Meenakshi and Vinay, Maya have given such wonderful knowledge to us. Yes North, its a blog that you can trust.

Here in india and I'm sure in other South Asian countries, Sex- whether its for girls or boys- is very difficult- is such a hush hushed thing. A blog like this can help so mant people.

Chaitali I recently read this article in a newspaper where scientists have failed to make the 'female' viagra. It seems its not being able to 'create' sexual desire in women. I remembered both your articles as I read the news piece. Earlier when I used to read such research findings I used to wonder why aren't these scientists being able to get the needed result. But thanks to the articles it all appears so simple now.

HI Jasjit, yes so very true...I really have no high expectation of anything Jasjit; just enjoying the exploration of the human sexual pysyche; which was much too obscured from my vision due to upbringing under a religious umbrella; which condemend sexuality and sexual exploration(gentle smiles.)

IF anyone knows there is as much equal darkness in the world and within US, as there is light..I sure do(wink) and I'm sure everyone else knows that, like you and other contributors working in the field of the darker side of the human behaviour... each must exist for the balance.

I'm just enjoying this peaceful environment..absorbing profound truths about issues which have eluded my clarity of them...for far too long...

Indeed, I feel I was brought here,,,to learn these important things; at a crucial time, during my evolution as such... : )

I'll be a little more careful how I glamorize this place..but, it's pretty hard to see a shining diamond as dull...being that I know, heaven and hell exist within my own mind.

North

Dear North

How profoundly you express your inner truths and share your wisdom. It never ceases to amaze me how someone like you cannot step out of your own despair for the light within you is like the diamond you speak of and somehow the dark manages to overwhelm you with its reality. I so hope this year irreversibly brings you home to the rare light of your spirit, so you can shine forth as an undisputed muse like your country's bewitching northern lights.

love and god bless

Hi Jasjit.. aww. you are sweet and kind to say such nice words, Jasjit!

well, to be frank; it amazes me too Jasjit; how a diamond in the rough(like me) cannot be claimed its rightful shine, in the most important ways...

Opportunity such as to explore here; via very well grounded and researched human issues; has perhaps begun the "digging out" this little diamond from the mud-bog of darkness and a suppressive length under a religous restrictive to self-expand?

Knowledge, self-awareness; is indeed, the cleaning water...in which to wash one clearer...

North

Aren't our northern lights something huh? When I were little; I was convinced, the NLights was the long veils of angels,,, dancing for God/Universe,,,amongst the stars grande display!

As children, we'd spent so many nights on a chilly fall evening,,,wrapped in blankies,,just watching the northern lights dance... it was such a wonderful experience & inspiration...

North

Dear Hassan,

Hi! Here is a website address that will give you info on wet dreams (nocturnal emissions.)

http://channels.apollolife.com/show.asp?NewAid=11344

Dear Chaitali,

Vaginismus is a pretty common problem for the young couples and many times leads to frustration and unhappiness because of the lack of information on the subject.

Your piece is very well researched, formatted and rendered. Many young couples reading this article should be able to derive much benifit from it.

great work.:)