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The Else Syndrome - Part Three
By Diary of A Young Metro Woman - 9:20 AM Thursday 27 July 2006
The Residue Runs in the Genes
Recently my sister and some friends were discussing how kids have become very smart. For everything you want them to do, you have to announce an incentive and if ever you forget the prize after the work is done, you’ve had it. Being mothers, the entire onus of “bringing up the future generation in the most effective way”, has brought us to the brink of our tolerance. Most of us are reeling under a culture shock of seeing our own kids resorting to emotional blackmail, or just becoming an extremely aware generation who take no nonsense when it comes to reward for his/her work or service to you.
The most common remark every parent has now-a-days… is “We were not like this. Yes we really were not like this. We were quieter, more tolerant and more subjugated, taught to sacrifice our own needs, to obey elders. We were nice kids, whose childhood was not so hassled by the 'Else' syndrome.”
While most of us will staunchly say that this is a generation gap, and we were not like our kids, I differ to say that we were actually just like them. Only we suppressed the syndrome deep down and let the residue run into their genes.
The syndrome started long back. Maybe in 10% among out grandparents were affected, then it went to about 20% of our parents, then about 40% in our generation and now we see about 80% of the children affected by it.
And it starts in them very early --- from wailing for food to breaking your nice vase, if not given his/her favourite toy. A friend once told me “Remember even studying and doing homework is a service to you. Doing potty in time, finishing the food, wearing your choice of clothes, going to your choice of school, entertaining your friends with poetry skills and other antics are all service done to you worthy of a suitable reward and incentive.”
One young man(to me he is still a child of 16) recently threatened to jump off his balcony, if he was forced to sit for the 12th boards. The petrified parents spoke to me to counsel this young boy. I had to push the parents away from him, cause I had no other way to take him into confidence. The only possible way was to give him his space and make him responsible for his actions. He happily skipped the exams, suffered no remorse and has resumed his studies once again.
The point that was difficult to digest is the 'Else' symptom at its extreme. Most people, who heard about his escapade, have branded him as a brat. But is it really their fault. I asked all those parents the same questions, “Aren’t all of us teaching them how to use the ‘else’ mechanism since childhood.”
Some times it is overt and obvious – like (these are some real examples that I have heard from my friends circle)
If you don’t do your homework, you are grounded.
If you don’t finish your milk, you can’t go to play.
If you don’t listen to me, then I will not be your good mamma or papa.
If you don’t give that to your younger brother, I won’t buy anything for you.
If you don’t eat your veggies I won’t give you the meat.
Sometimes it is subtle and understated, sweetly shrouded in a reward. We give children the message that if the work is done to our satisfaction then it will be justly rewarded with a nice thing. If not then the nice thing will not be given to him/her
.
If you finish your milk I will let you watch cartoon network – (or else you won’t get to see it)
If you do your homework on time, I will take you out for a movie – (or else you can sit at home)
I am not saying that I am expert in parenting tips. But what I am saying is that we ourselves are teaching our children to use the “ELSE” syndrome effectively to their own advantage.
As babies they know they can wail and get you to pick them up ‘Else’ more wailing ensues. Few days back a 4 yr old girl threw a toy up to the chandelier and injured her mother on the head. Reason, give what I want, or else, get the punishment for it. Immediately she was scolded, “Behave or 'else' I will lock you in the bathroom or throw you out of the house.”
The point I want to make is the “else syndrome” coming down to us from our older generations and has been ingrained in us. It’s very rare that someone will not fall prey to it at any point of his or her life. The awareness about our right is a good thing and positive action. But with it also comes a lot of confusion regarding the right approach to demand such rights. Be it as a citizen, as a woman, as a child or as a worker, asking for his/her rights should never be at the expense of another person’s life.
So when we are shocked at the patients dying because the doctors were busy protesting for their director’s re-appointment, lets think back as to why this generation is getting agitated at the drop of a hat. When the politicians are teaching the children that, you could go on a hunger strike and get your job done through emotional blackmail, then why do we raise an eyebrow when the same is followed by the gen X?
What we need is to stop blaming the gen x for the way they are and start looking at ourselves, and support other parents to understand that how we change the society is up to us and not on politicians and gurus. Remember when we were children we thought we never liked to be blamed.
If we are constantly using the else syndrome to our advantage, then expect the next generation to learn from real examples. Remember we are the ones who teach them that everything that your parents do is right. Then we can’t tell them that some of the things we do as parents are right for us while its wrong for them.
I told you earlier, you would never be able to do away with the ‘Else syndrome’ totally from your system or mine. But what we need is to balance it so that it doesn’t turn our own kids into militants and neither does it make them victims to oppression.
Princess Baatcheet
Posted By Diary of A Young Metro Woman - 9:20 AM Thursday 27 July 2006
Comments
Dear PB
You've made a very pertinent point with reference to how we raise our kids on the basis of reward and punishment. It's actually a quite outdated and victorian theory but one which never seems to go out of fashion.
I guess its reflective of people just functioning at a very basic level of understanding and not feeling comfortable enough within themselves or being creative enough in the ways in which they address issues of need, desire, responsiblity, etc. with their children.
You're right when you say that instead of complaining about the younger generation we should instead self reflect on how we have and continue to contribute to who they are.
Posted by
Very good article!!
About 4 years ago, we had a yard-sale...we were moving out of the units(projects) after almost 10 years living there.
A car pulls up, two women emerge, and a little boy; about age: two years. On the ground near my feet, where I were standing, was a box filled with about 100 little mini cars(dinky cars) that my son had accumulated in birthday/Chirstmas gifts over many years.
The boy's eyes widened when he saw that box!! His mom and grandma told him, pick one car, for each hand(his.) Nope, the boy wanted the whole box!!
This boy, through such a fit, when they tried to even reason with him. One car for each hand, so when other little boys come too; they can have one for each hand too.
Nope! This boy wanted it all. The boy threw such a huge temper-tantrum, they hauled him off to the car(after buying 2 dinky cars.)
Did the car pull away, with the screaming, spoiled child? Nope. A door opens. Out comes the Mom..... "how much for the whole box?" she asks. I charged her ten dollars, she paid it and left.
I wanted to run after her, grab her by the shoulders and tell her, what the fuck are you doing to your son? eeeeek!!! YOU are creating a monster already, and he is only two!! sigggggh
That's when I realized, how deeply troubled family-stability has become in our "new world order" of supply and demand of "desire."
When that young boy ages; can you imagine how worse he will be? Can you just imagine the misery in that home?
Are there genetic "changes/evolutionary" in our new-age children; that seem to be defying logic and reasoning?
Anyway, long story; but it was such a horrible scene to witness. I almost wanted to slap the mom, when she asked how much for the whole box? Not out of anger/hate; but, to snap her out of her fog/shock of her son's iminent behaviour?
Is it in part, relaxed rules, re: working moms?
Is it in part, pollution quantity?
Is it in part, synthetic foods/colours/preservatives/etc?
What is changing today's kids? I think it's a combined picture of my "is it's"... I've seen girl-children that young, with same behaviour, though less than boys.. so it's not gender-specific prone.
North
Posted by
Anyone else feel, that it's becoming almost epidemic around the world?
As we teach our children "their rights" they use it against us.
Are we raising mini-politicians?(wink & have to giggle too, though hesitatingly.)
North
Posted by on July 31, 2006 07:41 PM
Hi North
Good story. Last night I was watching this tv show Saregama which is a singing competition for young children. One of the girls (extremely talented) had missed the previous round of competition because she had fallen ill. The judges brought her back into this round because she was so talented and they felt that since she wasn't well it was unfair to leave her out of the competition. Lo and behold you had all the parents cribbing about why she was let in and how she should have had antibiotics and come for the last round. Not only that these parents would also refuse to clap for other children who were on stage.
What more can one say. Of course at the root of these wailing and whining children there are these kinds of stingy, self absorbed, narrow minded parents. How disgusting can people truly get??
Posted by
It disgusts me Anusheh, to see parents behave these ways!! When my son were in sports, it was much the same way. Every parent wanted their child to be the best... never considering every child is the best!! siggggggh
Posted by on August 1, 2006 05:54 PM
Hi Anusheh, thanks and thank you north for such wonderful sharing. I have myself seen children rollin and wailing on the mall floors when they want something. But everytime I see such a kid, I feel sorry for him and would definitely point a finger at the parents. It's a very tricky isuue though. Not everybody can explain the right thing to the kids at the right time, with the right attitude and with the right amount of strictness. That's why there is no school to teach you to be a good parent. But i guess moderation is a nice way. You give too much and then the child can't take no for an answer. Where as you give in moderation then the child values the gifts.
THe problem is we often feel that "since I dinn get that so my child should get it" it's a wrong attitude, every child at whatever period of time should get only as much as he values... More than that is spoiling him. I know a mother who buys shoes of every colour for her 3 yr old...
Now at her age these the shoes don't cost much... but as she grows older, she will not be able to cope with buying 50 pairs of shoes to match every dress of her teenaged daughter. Her taste is being turned towards extravangance. Later when this teenaged starts throwing tantrums, everybody will call her a brat.
There is a lot to think about this. My policy is always think about 10 yrs later. Think, can I give this to my son 10 yrs later... if no then hold your reins.
cheers
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Dear Princess,
You have explained how the else syndrome back fires on the parents very well. It is true first we make the children addicted to TV then we threaten them with not allowing to watch it if they don't behave, eat etc properly and then as the children grow they use this very tool on their parents- If you don't let me watch TV then I'll not do my Homework etc.
The tables are turned on us. I think as parents we lack patience these days. Of course 'quality time' is something that every parent wants to give their kids but the problem with it is this is limited to a certain part/hours of the day or week. And during this limited time either we want to give in to all the demands of our kids or try and perform all our duties (which we see more of a chore, obligation we owe our children) as parents in this short time by threatening them and bribing them.
Aspirations, life style, stressed out life, working parents, high cost of living, expensive education have led to a lot of confusion and insecurity among parents.