But first a heartwarming family tale.
When we were kids my grandfather lived with us. A much decorated Army man he was always courteous to women and had a quaint way of talking about them. Referring to the granddaughter of an Army buddy in the US, he said it was a very delicate time for her family since she had ‘Gone Astray’, implying that she was living with her boyfriend and did nothing to hide her pre-marital sex life. To which my sister, who was about seven and probably thought Going Astray was an amusement park said, “oh, when we go to America on holiday can we also go astray!”

Statutory Warning: Anxious parents reading this take your heart medication NOW – if you haven’t already.

# 1: More ways than one There are so many hot, cool, and exciting things two bodies (or more?!) can do than just a certain kind of sex that you think makes you lose that thing that you never had in the first place. Why should one course appropriate an entire menu? In short, if you’ve known someone intimately (do I need to list the list?!) then consider yourself Gone Astray. So the rest of this may not apply to you. (For Petes sake, do you think all my gay and lesbian friends who have never had penile/vaginal intercourse are all still virgins?!)

# 2: No one can see it
When you do muster the wits - or think you will just explode from desire/anticipation - to [get someone to] have sex [with you] for the first time, remember that there is no point in walking around like a diva/cassanova, or in shame the next morning. Virginity isn’t a thing, no one can see it. And even if you think its in your genitals, remember you aren’t showing that around to people. (Unless of course you have a part time job as a stripper or porn star). So remember to act normal the next day.

# 3: Be Safe
This is straightforward enough. Young or old, gay, straight, queer, whatever, if you are living in this day and age with access to the internet and TV, you have to be really stupid to not use protection. And before you start whining about showering with a raincoat, remember that you will be whining much worse if you get a disease or get pregnant. If you’re so excited about sex then why aren’t you reading up enough about it?!

#4: Learn before you leap
Seriously, I can only reinforce the point just made above. Be safe. Educate yourself about everything. Talk to people. Read books. Browse the internet (though remember that porn sites while momentarily titillating, are usually fake. Did you seriously think there are so many men and women out there who really look like that?!! Get real!) And if you’re really lazy then at least read the sexy bits in novels to try and learn what your partner (depending on their gender) might enjoy, so you might at least come across as sensitive. You have got to meet the other person half way.

# 5: Don’t wait
Based on a real situation of a female ex-colleague I can tell you that if you are in your late twenties-thirties and plan to be single for a while, and are nervous/guilty about Going Astray, if the V thing means so much to you – then its going to be a bad trip. While you can be extremely capable and fulfilled at work and by your hobbies, it is always going to bother you that the incompetent fool in the next cubicle comes to work with a smile on her face while you chew your fingernails wondering what its like. If it bothers you that much then you should do it and get it over with. I mean seriously, the position of Mother of God has already been filled. Try someone you’re half-way attracted to, who is willing, and it’s a bonus if you really like him/her. And no, it doesn’t always have to be beautiful and romantic the first time (unless you are lucky enough to get a wonderfully sensitive caring partner. And if you do then share his/her number with me).

# 6: Apna Haath…. (By your own hand….)
Okay, granted you do have strong conditioning that places the V thing up there with KBC, the Holy Grail, and all the ancestors, or maybe you don’t have nice friends with big houses who can give you some space, or you’re a scared twenty-thirty-fortysomething, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to pleasure. Most guys have already discovered the joy in the adage ‘apna haath…’, whereas many women have not. So dust off the old bio text book and go to that chapter the teacher was too embarrassed to teach, and acquaint yourself with everything down there. Especially wherever it says ‘sensitive bundle of nerves’. And if you still don’t get it, then write to IFSHA on their other website for more details on how to have sex with yourself. Boys, it doesn’t make you blind or mad but it might mean that you have to give up your place on the football team because you won’t have time for anything else anymore.

#6: No Such Thing Theres no such thing as a slut. If you’re a woman and if you enjoy Going Astray and choose to go Even Further Astray, then do so fecklessly. Remember that the demons are in your own head calling you names. Ask yourself why only women are called sluts. Guys, sorry, all the stereotypes about sluts being wild and hot are untrue. They are usually completely normal and sometimes downright boring women like your sister and your mother. Deal with it.

# 7: Choose the right kind of self-flagellation
Okay fine, you read this piece and went for it and didn’t understand this really simple nine step program, and ended up feeling really guilty. From experience let me tell you that guilt is vastly overrated. Try anger instead, it doesn’t eat away into you as much.

#8: Be a Grown-Up, not a Groan-UpFinally Maya can chatter on all she wants, but if you really want to do something and if you do it, only you are responsible for it – all of it. If you think sex is something only grown-ups do, and if you still want to do it, then at least act like one. Sex is fun but it also comes with heartache and pain and through it all – self discovery. Not everyone has the stomach for introspection. Also remember that you also have a right to make a choice not to have sex. But for God’s sake, have an interesting enough reason for it. Don’t make God the reason, he/she/it/them don’t actually care. Seriously, I’ll still be here tomorrow because I wouldn’t have been struck by a bolt of lightning.

#9: Enjoy!This should actually be # 1.

Disclaimer to Self Appointed Upholders of Morality: You shouldn’t really be bummed out by this exhortation to sex, this so-called degradation of youth, chastity, and wholesome Indian morality. Just stick to slamming TV, movie posters, dance bars, and music videos as you always have, it’s a lot easier than policing the internet and this humble little blog.

(Thanks for sharing and no offence to family and friends who know they are being written about)