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The Cycle Called Sexual Karma
By Jasjit Purewal - 12:58 PM Tuesday 07 March 2006
Time to start peering into sexuality to figure out if karmic patterns do indeed rule who and how we are sexually. In response to the post on homosexuality, there was a vibrant discussion on childhood patterns/experiences as well as the issue of humans being essentially bi-sexual. In promise to take the discussion a bit further and turn a more macro/karmic lens on it, I want to share this piece I found on the net one day, written by someone called Zakairan. An interesting, ‘wholistic’ perspective drew me to the site but what I found particularly relevant is this article on our sexual selves. Ifsha’s long work on sexual trauma has empirically proved quite the same, so to find someone expressing a similar view through a different route of ‘wisdom’ was interesting. I am sharing the article in the hope that it may help in opening more doors.
“All of our desires to be loved, to receive affection and sexuality, and to obtain and maintain relationships; especially the fantasy “to be loved by that special person and treated like we’re the best person on the planet and their true love, and live happily ever after” - are due to our un-met nurturance needs as babies and children that we did not receive from our parents. The suffering and abandonment that resulted from this lack of receiving sufficient energetic and tactile sensual support, to ground ourselves into this vibration and into these bodies from either or both of our parents, manifests in the majority of the sexual behavior that exists. Many psychologists have illuminated this fact.
The inability to nurture children in a holistic divine way is passed down from generation to generation, so everyone is being raised by emotionally crippled parents and family.
The result of un-met nurturance needs and the disconnection from our Spirit, manifests in the sexual and relationship orientations and desires of today’s society. The fascination with body image and having a partner/husband/wife/children/family is primarily a result of these unmet needs. Not that all of these desires stem solely from these unmet needs, but what primarily motivates 99.99% of all humans today, is a desire to receive the unmet needs that they did not receive from their mother and father. You can see this pattern so apparently in how adults still rely upon and clamor for their parents approval and love, to justify their worth.
Sexual orientation and identity are illusions, just as being male and female are ultimately an illusion, (although there is male and female consciousness and existence, but that is another exploration). Most sexual pursuits and orientations are a direct result of these unmet nurturing needs. Every sexual behavior that we are attracted to, is to somehow obtain the physical attention of our mother or father. The old scenario of people marrying their parents is a true basic fact of today’s society. Everyone is unconsciously trying to heal this lack that they experienced as children. And since our parents were similarly treated, and did not have their nurturing needs met as children, they did not know how, nor even had the time or energy, to give us the proper attention.
This is all obvious based on how manipulative and consumer oriented our children and everyone has become. Everyone is trying to get these nurturing needs met through the accumulation of wealth and goods, to feel nurtured. This of course does not work. The accumulation of wealth, goods, and relationships, does not heal the wounds. Even manifesting the “perfect” relationship does not heal the wounds, they can be a catalyst that can help, but the trap that everyone falls into: is putting all their attention on that one person who will hopefully help them cover up all the pain from their past. This is the agreement that is built into marriage and relationships today. This is the relationship matrix, and as soon as you enter a “relationship” with someone, even friendships, this matrix swoops in and you are trapped in it’s web of illusion.
Every single bit of your sexual orientation, lustful and relationship pursuits are all direct result of lack of nurturance as a child. They are also a direct result of your sexual “education” that you received from your parents in how they interacted with each other and others on psycho-sexual levels. “All sexual behavior is learned behavior. All sexual orientation is a combination of soul choice and learned behavior. The soul choice is made and then the learned behavior is imprinted in the child in order to instruct that orientation”. Which means that every single aspect of your sexuality, sexual identity and relationship orientation up till now, has been a total illusion. Every single act, every single pursuit, has been pure fantasy, to try to get something from someone, to feel loved.
The heterosexual male, is typically trying to obtain his nurturing needs from his mother that were unmet. He also typically did not receive holistic nurturing and honest direction from his father, especially in regards to sexual identity, so he looks to his mother, and later to women, for his sexual identity. He is searching for his maleness and identity as a male, which are nowhere to be found, and so he searches through women, society, friends, the media, movies..., all fantasies spewed out by similarly wounded people. This “false male” illusion, has manifested all the injustice and ‘manipulation’ in today’s society. This is the pursuit of probably every single male on planet earth, regardless of sexual orientation, and the pursuit for the realization of what being a “real man” is. (Which is ultimately the pursuit of what being a God really is). This is the typical mama’s boy orientation, where he marries a woman who has similar patterns to his mother. But inevitably, there is conflict because the male is constantly energetically pulling on and demanding that their partner provide the nurturance that he unconsciously feels he is lacking.
The heterosexual female looks to her mother for her sexual identity and to the father for her nurturing needs. She is pursuing relationships with men to feel loved, adored, nurtured, from a surrogate father, to meet the needs that she missed from him. This is the daddy’s little girl syndrome. And she is happy if she is receiving attention, support, praise, admiration, love, affection and sex, from this daddy surrogate. As soon as she is not, she becomes the victim or the shrew to get his attention, positive or negative, it doesn’t matter.
But of course, she will not be able to get these needs met from this or any man, because they typically do not know how to nurture, because they did not get their needs met from their mothers and fathers, and don’t know how to nurture themselves. This typical heterosexual woman is looking to her wounded mother for her sexual identity, but her mother could not and didn’t know how to give it to her. (This is the pattern of mothers living vicariously through the marriages/relationships of her daughters).
Similarly to heterosexual women, homosexual men are generally seeking their sexual identities from their mothers and their nurturing needs from their fathers. So they pursue men sexually and through relationship to try to obtain these unmet nurturing needs. “Their soul is trying to allow the nurturing from the male energy”. Gay men are typically trying to marry their fathers, (that is, if society would allow them to), who do not know how to nurture and did not receive similar nurturance. Whereas, “female homosexuals are trying to get their sexual identity from their father and the nurturing from the mother”.
Everyone has a mixture of homo and hetero sexuality, or rather, everyone operates more or less from patterns of adopting their sexual identity from their father and mother, and trying to obtain nurturing needs from their father and mother. But whatever patterns you or anyone primarily operates from, the opposite orientation does not always typically manifest sexually, as in the example of how hetero males often spend a great deal of time with their mates, doing boy stuff. This is a way to obtain a form of nurturance from their fathers. Similarly, for hetero females, this manifests as clucky mateships, whereby they value the approval of their friends immensely, and often despise men for being unable to give them what they want.
So these various patterns of relationship and sexuality, means all are somehow trying to get something that is unobtainable. But relationships, sexuality and other love and nurturance pursuits, including the acquisition of goods, is a band-aid on the wound, that doesn’t help it heal. These wounds must be healed through invocation, forgiveness, karmic absolution and realization. The only release from this constant illusory pursuit of happiness, is through the realization that: You are Love! You are nurturance! You are Divine Sensuality/Sexuality! You are your own mother and father! And you were never ever disconnected from your Divine Spirit, from God-Goddess, you only believed that you were! This was the illusion that you came here to experience.
Very few people are taught how to love and that ‘they are love!’ People are not taught to recognize and follow the love within their hearts first, rather than the pursuit to obtain unconscious un-met needs. So everyone is going around pursuing survival-oriented fixations, rather than allowing love to find it’s own way. We have seen this throughout society and how many cultures have not been concerned with love in regards to marriage. (The arranged and parentally approved marriage). This 3rd world orientation, stems from fear based tribal patterns, where survival is more important then love. Their unmet nurturance patterns, manifest in this physically “nurturing” way, whereas the typical first world orientation of today, manifests as the pursuit of relationships that will provide enough physical, sexual, mental, emotional stimulation disguised as love, to gratify your desires, give you a sexual identity and sense of worth to feel powerful and in control of your life.
But once again, it does not work. This is obvious of how relationships/marriages…, inevitably have conflict and collapse when one or the other, or both people fail to meet the requirements demanded by each individual, and to satisfy the agreements made between them, consciously and unconsciously, to give and receive sufficient energy, love, nurturance, support, money…, from the other person.
This pursuit is generated directly from a defense mechanism that we have dubbed the “ego”, which is a false identity, created by us to try to integrate the pain experienced as spirits entering a dense world, and later reinforced as babies and children to survive emotionally, and further supported through adolescence and adulthood, to survive the pain of feeling disconnected from love, from God, each other… And this ego has built up walls and landmines and barbed wire all around it to protect it. So the chance of actually healing these wounds that it is protecting, are slim especially since they are illusions. These wounds are not real, so there is nothing to heal. This is obvious of how hurt most people are and how this manifests as dysfunctional co-dependent relationships, further adding to their nurturing traumas, further adding bricks to the walls and defenses around them.
So you must get to the root of your suffering that you experienced when coming to this planet, which has extended throughout your entire life and manifested all of the dramas and traumas, pain and suffering, and even some of the goodness in your life. All of these experiences were opportunities to realize this suffering, to realize that it is an illusion, and become empowered by it. To realize finally, that you are indeed the creator of your reality. And in this case, you must go within, seek out and identify your nurturing traumas that you experienced as a child and how you continue to pursue relationship, sexuality, energetic, physical, mental and emotional “support”, to get these nurturing needs met. Even the manifestation of molestation, rape and other traumatic experiences, were a result of these desires. These were created by your soul for your experience of separation/oneness and ultimately for the healing of your spirit, which has experienced many similar occurrences throughout your many lifetimes.
So what is your favorite pattern of pursuit to deny your suffering? What is your sexual orientation, identity and desires that you use to try to obtain something that you feel you have lost or deserved to experience? What control dramas and energy games do you use to try to attract people, to psychically hook them in, to get people to help you hide and deny your pain and suffering by gratifying your emotional, sexual and “relationship” desires. For your self worth to be validated sexually and emotionally.
We are still trying to prove to ourselves that we deserve to be loved, nurtured, touched, sexed…, through the receipt of these things from another person. To prove to ourselves that we have worth: to others, God, our Spirit, ourselves… To feel good enough. The identities of hetero, homo, everything in between, and every single possible sexually “gratifying” pursuit is all the same pattern. And especially the identities of homo/hetero/andro, sex god/goddess, stud/whore/virgin…, are all a desire to reconnect to the God-Goddess that we truly are. The continuous pursuit to realize the truth of what male and female, masculine and feminine truly is, to balance this polarity, which isn’t really a polarity. One does not exist without the other, they are integral parts of the same creation/God-force.
These identities of man and woman, and the many possibilities in between, are there for us to realize that we are neither and both, and everything in between. We are not any identity. We are not static objects. We are completely mutable, which is how creation is. We are the creator and the created, this is the connection and marriage of consciousness and form, the God (father) and Goddess (mother) energies. This is once again the creation of the third aspect, the trinity, here in form, the Divine Child.
Once again, the typical pursuit, this denial of suffering of unworthiness, this desire to be loved, is a futile pursuit - no one can make you feel loved. No one can make you feel anything. This would mean that others actually have control over you and you can actually be a victim, which is another grand illusion. Feelings are evoked from experiences with others, but no one actually directly causes you to feel anything. So even giving and receiving love is an illusion, love can be projected and evoked, but love is ultimately felt within.
Open and unify your chakras through energy work/play, healing, activation and aligning meditations. Become intimate with your chakras and energies. Become intimate with your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies. Allow sensuality to be an integral part of your life. Allow divine sexuality to be an integral part of your life, even if that means you are not having sex with anyone. Allow your Spirit to guide you and create the perfect situations for your awakening and expression.
We are sensual/sexual creatures. We are love-light masters, and the expression of that love-light is expressed and allowed through sensuality and sexuality, on all levels, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and dimensional.”
Posted By Jasjit Purewal - 12:58 PM Tuesday 07 March 2006
Comments
Dear Jasjit,
Count me in on the confusion with Chaitali there.
Another thing that I wanted to ask was - could it also mean that one's sexual preferences are influenced by experiences of some previous lifetime that he/she is carrying in this birth? For example, is it possible that the lack of nurturance and love from a father in some previous life can make a man choose homosexuality as a way of life in this birth?
Brilliant article by Zakairan and Thanks Jasjit for bringing it here :-)
Posted by
Jasjit
Thanks for sharing that. Makes perfect sense. If all our behaviours and actions are conditioned by our childhood and adult life experiences then why not sexuality. Add to it the element of the karmic baggage that you bring along and you have a being that is entirely fabricated, custom made by you and for you. What strikes me most is how truly we are just an illusion, nothing is rightfully ours or reflects the essence that we are or the purity/pristineness that we seek. Makes one wonder 'who am I?' then. Surely there is someone who lies untouched by all of this.
love
Posted by
Chaitali
Psychologists and psychiatrists along with some philosophers have basically reduced the formation of man/woman's identity to 0-7 years. This largely circumscribes all your emotional/psychological foundation. Others have gone further recently and included the womb as a critical period too.
Basically Zakarian is saying that all that you know as intimacy (particularly sexual) is also coming from the same 0-7 understanding of love and nurturing. Parents are the two primary masculine/feminine role models which seed our response to both genders. Now while we all crave love/nurturance acceptance in childhood as a 'natural/instinctual' need from the two, what we get unfortunately is not wholesome. Some have out there traumatic experiences of parenting and others have subtler ones which leave a deep impact. Unfortunately since we need to eulogize our parents (because it makes us feel better about ourselves!) we refuse to see how deep-rooted our angts and anger is. We refuse to see our mators as emotionally arid, controlling or manipulative, we refuse to see how our father's lack of hugging us/holding us/validating us left us empty and unformed.
Adult intimacy is then just role plays of that same unmet need. So he says depending on which one of the two parents left us un-nurtured we choose genders of intimacy based on that experience.
Similarly we have discovered that people who have lost both parents in childhood or have been left unloved by both actually feel attracted to both genders. Suppression of our 'gay' side then is just the social residue of a highly moralistic social order.
Hope this helps.
Posted by
Shubhz
great question! Indeed the patterns of a past lifetime make us 'choose' the parents/home we take birth in because the soul 'knows' before it enters the world what it needs to transcend and complete. We will choose the same pattern (i.e an unloving father again) so that the extreme intensity of the loss/pain once again forces us to seek the masculine source of completion within. Ultimately the passage of births is merely the dance of evolution. Each time the soul attempts to fly higher through a particular battle, pushing if you will the threshold of its courage/flight.
However for most people this theory of karma is very unsettling since they would rather see themselves as victims and cannot 'believe' that they have 'chosen' each and every situation/incident that has carved them.
Posted by
Thanks Jasjit. It all then sounds so simple. Whether you are a heterosexual, homosexual, bi-sexual it's all a matter of your orientation towards that part of sexaul intimacy that is unfulfilled in us. What then really should matter is how do we fulfill the unfulfilled first within ourself and not seek it somewhere out there in someone else.
Posted by
Anusheh
The deeper question will always be 'who am I' irrespective of whether the trigger is sexual/emotional/existential. Frankly whatever the trigger, the angst of finding the essence is the virtual reality of the soul if you will, which is trying to push us all to see that we indeed mirror the Divinity we race around seeking outside ourselves.
I am not sure whther the question is 'who lies untouched ' but whether if there is a place where we remain untouched by all this. And the answer is yes, within us is an enormous sky of freedom which once visited, changes your entire perception of the world, its bondage and its games. The play continues but you are no longer that which is played upon. You rise as the player and to be that you have to be the Master of the game!
Posted by
Chaitali
Spot on! :-)
Posted by
"The play continues but you are no longer that which is played upon. You rise as the player and to be that you have to be the Master of the game!"
Thanks for that lovely line.
Posted by
Dear Jasjit,
Thank you for helping me face it all; this piece clears some more cobwebs, and while it sinks in, the anguish breaks through years of complete denial. The tears flow on..Add sexual abuse to an emotionally arid childhood, with the adult world around not accepting the incidents and denying even an iota of belief - no wonder I am such a mess.. denial is so convenient. how very tough it is to face and absorb it all, how painful, yet there is a sense of relief, of finally arriving at some answers, of reflecting a little light on the overwhelming empty darkness..
But yes, there is today some semblance, some shadow of that "untouched" self that wants to break free.. yet the strength of the mind is so enormous that the first habitual response is again to turn away, look away.. as if, if I don't look I can keep the pain away. However there is that other "self" that wants to be free to soar to blossom, to be part of the play, still weak and small, maybe it will grow in strength with all these inputs, I do hope it does..
Thank you Jasjit, and Anusheh, Shubhosree, Chaitali for your insights and for being there. You give me hope that there is another world, of love, light and laughter, that I shall redeem myself.
Posted by
Dear Sukanya
In thought lies the door both to hell and heaven and in intention the key both to transcendence and dissipation. All I fel like saying to you is Sukanya wish yourself light, wish love, lightness, wish yourself the dizziness of ascension and the wonder of your own spirit peak. Wish and yearn for these as your only intentions and watch the miracle unfold.
love and blessings
Posted by
Dear Jasjit
I read it 3 times. First feeling was disbelief , then angerr & finally saadness. You guys are just pulling at so many roots. Can't stop making so many connections and have to say this morning my heart is so heavy.
Its true Jasjit what you say about Truth. It's the only way. But its such a painful way & so the denial , the amnesia, and I guess the mind which weaves a thousand webs to say I'm o.k.
I have a childhood friend A who I finally understood & in a sense rediscovered through your post. Her mother was a control freak, stern and frankly scared us all. A grew up hating her and her anger often scared me in teen age. I guess it was just confounding to see how one could hate one's mother. Brilliant but bitter as hell A grew obese and quite 'wild'. I also recall now how obsessive she was about women, especially older women. We were too darned self-obsessive to really understand her.
We lost touch and I heard she went abroad on a fellowship & never returned. Last year she started writing to us all how she is finally feeling rooted & happy. She sent pictures & she looks stunning, the weight is gone, and there's this lovely woman with her who she callls her room mate. None of us had the heart to ask more but I know now for sure she is her lover.
Your piece brought so many details about her life & childhood back and I'm stunned at how much sense it all makes. So I' m going to send it to her and write her a long mail. I want to be able to be there for her to share whatever she wishes to with me. At least I can say, hey I understand!
So thanks Jasjit for bringing so much together for me. And I haven't even begun talking about what its doing for me personally.
Though Anusheh remember your piece on obsessions. Well I made a huge breakthrough with cleaning , mum and attention seeking. And you know like a huge stubborn baggage is just gone. Can't even begin to tell you how many patterns I'm breaking by just being attentive to that one obsession.
I'm sure this piece has many roads for me. Will share more if I make it to the end.
Just feel like giving you all a big hug! Bless the blogbus!
Posted by
Dearest Radhika
Thats really so wonderful to know. All credit to you for being able to transform your life in such meaningful ways.
Love
Posted by
Dear Jasjit,
Thanks for that explanation ... helps us understand so many things!
Posted by
Jasjit,
The question that I had asked on Anusheh's piece has been answered here. Thanks. It was slightly disturbing the first time I read it. You know a kind of despair like feeling came in me thinking that almost everyone of us have unfulfilled selves. But I guess that's the first reaction that we'll all have, in the form of anguish, anger, sadness etc.
But it's a relief to know that we can come out of this emptiness all by ourself. Really I'm finding this whole thing about the power lying in the SELF very fascinating. I need to start working on it too.
Hey Shubhosree that was a real scary but thought provoking question. And the answer left me in awe.
Posted by
Hey Annie,
Scary may be initially but if you think about it, its not quite. This way we can unravel so many mysteries about ourselves! Isnt that wonderful? :-)
Posted by
Yeah Shubhosree. Thats why I was awed that we can unravel so many mysteries about ourselves. I think this was mentioned in another article too earlier where it was being said that our present life actually gives us clues to our past lives and if we watch for them we can sail through the karmic cycle :)
Posted by
Dear jasjit,
I have been thinking about what you wrote and I must say I cannot agree with all of what you have written above. I do agree that our parents do have a considerable influence in scripting our lives. However, to hold that they determine it might be dangerous.
This argument holds that the child was not given enough and hence without volition, she or he seeks what he missed in his/her childhood as an adult. It makes the child a victim of wrong upbringing and it makes the parents culprits - knowingly or unknowingly. Why I think this can be dangerous is, tomorrow a mother/father comes to know his/her child is a homosexual, the first question they would ask is Oh god, was I a bad mom/dad? And they will thereafter live their lives in complete disbelief and guilt, and might never consider the possibility that her/his child being gay is as simple his liking vanilla over chocolate...??
Also, what about the children who were brought up with many male and female adult figures in joint families, where the child may have more than two people of different generations parenting him/her?
Finally, if we go by this theory about relationships, nothing changes as they have such deep coding form childhood. We have been given scripts as children but that doesn’t mean we always abide by them. I think that the essence of life is transformation and we all transform daily.
I hope i haven't offended any of you.
lots of love
Posted by on March 8, 2006 12:29 PM
Dear Ramlath
Let's all first drop the fear of offending anyone with our views. It so defeats the purpose of the blog, debate and the great contribution of learning through each and everyone's thoughts.
Guilt as far as I am concerned is the most useless human emotion. Either one has to see the error and rectify it. Or the guilt is just a backdoor way of continuing the pattern, apathy and of course an inverse ego where you do not have the largesse to admit you could be wrong and hence apologize/drop the pattern but use guilt as a maginified sense of self-hurt/apathy.
As for parents and parenting all I can honestly say is that there is much more that is wrong with it than right. However in confronting it (which does not mean even stepping out and attacking them but the subtler and far more painful first step of understanding how they may have damaged our sesne of who we are) we take the most critical step towards our 'truth' and hence reclaiming our natural self. While this term could be boring many to death, unfortunately there are not enough ways in which one can underline how all our beleagured/weak/deflecting/needy/negative selves get seeded by their messages.
If it makes one feel better, this is the 'way' of the world so I feel show me a messed up adult and I will show you a 'traumatic' childhood. The question for us really is that how does one heal oneself to the highest potential we carry. And the answer claerly is by 'reclaiming our spontaneous self'. This in fact is what only 'spiritual' texts underline unambiguously (which is why the controversial statements ascribed to Buddha/Christ amongst others of 'kill your parents') and hence this blog has its 'spiritual' overtones.
Frankly for me 'healing' oneself to a state beyond fear/anger/self-denigration/game-playing/jealousy/angst is what its all about. If that state be called a 'higher self/Buddhahood/' etc so be it. the terms do not interest me . the state does.
So if this argument creates 'guilt' in parents well the point is that its a choice they make. they can also be receptive, humble and open about 'trying their best and unable to do the rest'. That itself would heal the relationship in powerful ways. But I have had mothers who knew about their child's sexual abuse, kept quiet, even denied it and when the adult wanted to tell her how her denial was even more damaging the mother was unwilling to listen/acknowledge and went into her own dirge of problems. Is her guilt helping anyone, is that a high road? I don't think so.
As for transforming ourselves everyday! Yes and no! To transform we must understand what it is that we are transforming and why. Otherwise we just live out a lot of old patterns in new garbs. Frankly it is their outcome which becomes all revealing.
Lastly while joint families give you many surrogates there is a whole psyche of what the child instinctively expects from mum/dad and when that is not met the surrogates are also experienced as that-mere surrogates.
Posted by
Dear Radhika
Your sensitivity and receptivity are as rare as they are your greatest allies. yes pain creates denial/deflection and amnesia. It is so by its very nature. That is why Truth as a word hounds us all as the 'way'.
I hope you reconnect with A again at a whole new levels of understanding and affection.
Kudos for the patterns dropped. It takes great courage and perseverance and you obviously have both in plenty.
Love and hugs
Posted by
Dear Annie
Yes the journey to the Self is fascinating. And even that is an undersatement. Watching your own fragile/superficial/erroneous views and self crumble may begin with creating panic and fear but then they ultimately become an exciting adventure. And frankly the excitement becomes the tour de force to go the whole way.
love
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Jasjit I know one reading of this is not enough. It's quite a heavy reading but full of very significant things that we need to reflect upon. Will read it again.
But I got a little confused at one point. Why do homosexaul males seek sexual identity from their mother and nurturing from their father. While heterosexual male seek sexual identity from their father and nurturing from their mother?
I might be wrong but I'm getting the impression here that because the male is homosexual he is seking the above pattern and because the male is heterosexual he is seeking the opposite. Or shouldn't it be that because they seek these patterns hence they are homosexual and heterosexual? Can you clear this confusion :)