In Bengal there is a similar way to describe love. One is the feeling of love, quite obviously a necessity for all and sundry. Other is the act of love --- a necessity very obvious to every sane teenaged Bengali back home in Kolkata. In English the word ‘love’ is complete and deep enough to describe the many facets of the feeling and its act. But the term has been very effectively dissected into two parts in Bangla language. One that describes the romantic part --- feeling love -- that is “bhalobasha”… Other that describes the practical part --- doing love -- that is “prem kora”.

Now please don’t get misled with the “doing” part as a sexual connotation. Instead it is a complete gamut of activities, starting from, looking for a suitable guy, practicing several ways to attract the suitable partner, dating, kissing, cuddling, (never mind if it leads up to little sexual activity – it’s part of love), then finally eloping or in certain individual cases marrying with parental approval.

The activities start quiet early in school as soon as puberty blossoms in starched yellow sarees during saraswati puja in spring time. And it is really not necessary to do “prem” with the end goal of marrying the same person. It could be simply a dating experience which is nipped with the first air of adulthood or the first taste of a land yonder Kolkata. But the social pressure of being a part of the experience is so high that often girls and boys are ostracized among their peers, for being unable to attract a date.

To many outsiders it might seem a trifle. To some it seems like a blind aping of the western culture. But surprisingly I found that this trend is more common in the suburban kolkata, where the internet and cable TV hadn’t even remotely reached, than in the main urban metropolis.

Often as a teenager when I went on my yearly summer holidays, my cousins would raise their eyebrows in shock and surprise, “Tui prem korish na?”…. “You don’t do love?” What a waste – a young, presentable girl is not “Doing Love.” In other words is not hooked to a boyfriend. While my suburban sisters were busy with their daily rituals of “doing prem”, I was totally oblivious to this trend. They all seemed so busy and occupied with their activities centered on their “lover”. Yes unlike in Delhi and Mumbai, the boyfriend is referred as the “lover”.

It is very difficult to put to words the flurry of excitement that started in the household from daybreak where I had 4 sisters, all fully occupied in the ‘act of love’. One of them would run and do all the household chores, punctuated at every 10 minutes with a trip to the balcony. Where this particular boy would come to buy bread, riding approximately 5 Km on his cycle and in-spite of a large grocery store just opposite his home.

The other sister had a great ear. Out of the morning cacophony of hundreds of vehicles and crows and hawkers, she could identify one particular “tring tring” as she sat right next to the window to finish her studies. While the third one was busy mugging poetry on the roof top while exchanging sign language chit chat with the boy on the next roof top.

The youngest one of course was clever enough to throw out all the coriander leaves, only to be sent on an errand next door to get some from her love interest’s mum, or would be mum-in-law. Little did the lady notice while rummaging through the fridge, that my dear sister exchanged her little chit of love note with her beloved, babloo.
What added more zest to their escapades is that all this was done, right from home, in front of the parents and with a lot of creativity, so that no-one gets caught. If ever suspected for any foul play, all friends or sisters in crime stood up for each other, giving alibis, and covering each other’s back. I was amazed at the energy and time they spent to develop sign language, code words, hiding places for letters and gifts and elaborate plans to meet un-noticed.

The entire process of forming small groups and going to noticeable places, like parks, colleges and restaurants etc, where bunches of young prospects hung about in their own small groups. The carefully cultivated, preening, gazing, laughing and talking style which sent the right signal to the right person in a group of prospects was akin to a similar behavior among birds.

In small suburban towns even the neighbours are aware enough to report to the parents about their girl’s secret meetings. So some of them would actually walk to the meeting place as strangers, some times sit far from each other till the coast was clear. One girl was bold enough to call her boy friends to every place her mother took her along. Be it the temple, the market, the hospital, the station, the ganges, just about everywhere.

The social pressure against such activity of love is inversely proportionate to the peer pressure of being in the league for these teenagers. Younger siblings play a major role in passing messages and information, and soon they get their initiation. By then they would have helped their elders to learn enough tactics to smartly handle nose pokers and snoopy neighbours.

When there is too much restriction at home it often results in too much aggression and revolt. Most of them carrying half baked knowledge about love and sex gathered from movies and secretly devoured cheap love novels. Surprisingly most of the boys were either close neighbours or tuition class mates. So the friendly banter and group dates looked pretty harmless until one of them returned pregnant.

With my metro sensibilities I found it unacceptable, that my cousins gave more priority to -- finding new ways to attract the boy next door --- and lesser to get higher marks in the boards. Where as they found me too naïve and raw to be left in the adult world without any first hand experience with boys.

So I was available for a summer romance and they often tried to pair me up with the local hero. A lot of efforts was spent on scrutinizing all the single or left out or dumped boys around the vicinity, to find the suitable one for me. Long afternoons were spent in huddled discussions among themselves, chalking out several lists of prospects and getting their respective lovers to spy on the chosen one to see if he is what they think he is. After all I was their Delhi wali sister and deserved the best. Then came the sending of proposals on my behalf, setting up meeting dates, planning the timing to not give it away to the parents and me of-course. As I was the one least interested and would raise an objection to it before any one else.

Finally they zeroed in on Mr.dumped-by-rich-girl. A recuperating local hero, who was the center of attraction for the entire town, as everybody felt he was too good-looking and smart to have been wronged and deserved better…--- That is me. For a few days I was invited to group dates of 10 people, from where we were left alone to chat and get to know each other. I had no clue what was happening, till me little messenger brother brought back a love note, from the household where he was sent to get an aspirin for me.

Although my admiration for the bravado of my cousins was exciting to watch from a distance, I was not game for the act of love, because I was as romantic as it gets. Their practical approach to act of love and the hunt for a husband was beyond, my essential need to feel love before the act of love.

I don’t know who was better off, but I still smile at the full time occupation of my cousins and their respective husbands now. Also I remember the poor chap’s face when I gave him a huge lecture on the importance of finishing his studies first than loosing his head over the act of love.

When I read about girls and their lover or husbands being killed by their over protective parents and the conservative society I remember those girls of the suburbia. Who would get beaten up by chains and locked in bathrooms for days without food or married off in a hurry. Many eloped to a life worse than their imagination and others were pushed too early over the brink into taking their lives. Some carry one living till they are in their middle ages. By then either they commit suicide or leave the family.... in both situation leave a very broken family behind, where the children bear the maximum brunt of unhappy mothers.

I wonder if the parents and the society have been able to put a stop to the act of love or if they have been able to contain their daughters to their satisfaction. Wouldn’t it be better to given them knowledge and freedom and not threats and restrictions. Wouldn’t it be better to make them aware of the consequences of unsafe sex and other emotional quicksand, rather than sheltering them from the real world? Wouldn’t if be better to have healthy talk than none at all. Wouldn’t it be better to break the myths and increase awareness to build an aware generation which is more responsible towards its wellbeing? A mentally and emotionally sound India will be a happier India, rather than a traditional sound, but unhappy India.

On one hand there is the film industry, which is almost in the blood stream of the country and its culture. It is consistently eulogizing the benefits of love. On the other hand we have a society steeped in value systems which define love and physical attraction as close to blasphemy. Blinkered by traditions and caste systems, is the Indian society, being intolerant to human love? Are we only garnered towards, sexual love leading to reproduction and not the essential love between man and woman?

Girls are being forced to marry. Girls marrying for love, within and outside their castes are being chased around and killed by angry parents, girls taking revenge by marrying their boyfriend on the marriage day and wife eloping with boyfriend on valentines day --- aren't the regulations on girls getting a bit too much?