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She Lives Under Your Skin
By Jasjit Purewal - 1:24 PM Monday 26 June 2006
This post was triggered by a slightly bemused self which I recently unearthed, though the ending may leave most of us far from amused. But here goes. I have always lived with my mother (reasons too tedious to explain here) and I know in women I have instantly triggered a deep compassion for myself. Totally unlike me (or so I thought until holograms, self-realization and other fun experiences toddled into my understanding) we have lived together with some mutual admiration (often strained thin) exhausting and constant renegotiations of ‘space’ and she has also been the singular challenge to my belief that I have reached a Zen state.
All said and done, she is a daunting (only 4ft 11 in real space) independent, meticulous (you know the kind who has separate dusters for different pieces of furniture) actually wrote the book on survival (her life story has been complex and requiring tremendous grit) ahead of her times (stood by many of my friends when their parents refused to including lesbian women I know) unstoppable (at 75 still drives her own car in Delhi’s mayhem and will not let anyone else touch it) and a control freak (leaves for long summer sojourn’s abroad every year only after stocking the house with everything imaginable). And yet this tiny little time bomb and I have had many stormy times. We look at life differently at many levels and hence respond differently too. As her only child, she feels I should have turned out differently and perhaps through no fault of hers, my being has perplexed her most of her life. But this is only a foreword to why I am writing this post.
My 75year old mater is finally away for her few months abroad, which leaves me free rein of her stronghold-our home. So I stood in the kitchen the other day advising my new cook on how to make butter out of cream (a tradition my Punjabi mother will not forego) and then how to turn the butter into ghee. As I worked, I realized I was painstakingly wiping each and every blob of butter, then heating the container to make sure it had all been collected and when the ghee was made I again went into a tedious display of how the brown sediment at the bottom should be kneaded into the dough and not a bit should be wasted. Suddenly I stopped, I could hear mother in my head saying these things (though we rarely step into the kitchen together). Aghast that I, who usually complain at her pointless efforts to ‘save’ everything in a world where we are totally at the mercy of house help, was exactly her. The shattering moment of course was when I heard myself telling the young cook (even a little smugly), “see my granny always said a woman who wastes in the kitchen can never create wealth for her family.” Faintly nauseous I left the kitchen, slumped into a chair and laughed until it hurt.
Mothers! This post is for and to women, though moms have quite an impact on their sons but differently (something I might write later!!). A long time, ago when I was assiduously peeling every feminist cloister of women’s lives, my favourite dream was to write a book on mother/daughter relationships and knew at least 30 women who would have contributed deep and significant insights. The book never happened, instead I personally ended up on my own journey of karma, birth, parents, lessons and Yin/Yang etc which put things in a wholly new light. And then maybe not so new!
What was especially not new was that whether I approached a client (women) from the old counseling hat or whether from a wholistic healing perspective, mothers hovered menacingly close to where the hub of the crisis lay. Interestingly, the division was quite basic-those that fall into I love my mother, and must abide by all she says and the other where I hate my mother, can’t stand anything she says. And what friends is most disconcerting, is that either way it’s because ‘I want my mother to love me unconditionally’ is the central distortion in the first place.
The womb is the key! Those nine months, cloistered within the bone, sinews and blood of this being, you pick up all (more than you can ever imagine) of your primary responses/understanding of manifest existence. Most importantly her private selves, which even she may be slow to acknowledge, are being fed into every heartbeat. Selves in her, which no one else knows as you do! And imagine you absorb them as instinct- a far harder pattern to undo my friends, when it is programmed almost as second skin. Her desires, fears, anger, hate, love, joy, sadness, grief surge into your tiny world and heaven forbid if she has a troubled pregnancy, does not want the baby, tries to abort you or is scared you are a daughter- you have been injected with a sense of rejection and fear you will try and comprehend all your life and fail.
Now imagine that once you are out, hers are the arms you seek (and may not get, which creates unimaginable insecurity and rejection). Her breasts and milk (which again if denied leave indelible wounds) are your primal connection to comfort, security and nurturance. And I just want to add here that our healing work has proved this almost scientifically and womb/childhood meditations have revealed such stunning patterns with mommy, that the matter sometimes just appears too simple to be true!
I’m sure many remember wanting to wear mommy’s heels, jewelry, play with her make-up, dress and talk like her. Imagine as the malleable innocence of your self is being transformed, how these must become root patterns of role modeling and comfort. And ‘being her’ is the first childlike desire which spells security, love, adoration and perhaps the inherent womb bond of being ‘one’. SEPARATION from mommy is a deep, insidious wound!
Understanding this ‘separation’ could hold the most powerful key to not just your self but also to your relationship with her and more importantly your struggles with intimacy, especially your own children. And here I am not referring to any physical separation but of the emotions/psyche/roles. Women particularly, are affected deeply by this umbilical bond and then the separation, because as women they find it harder to see themselves as ‘distinct’. Even as women read this, some must be saying ‘I am nothing like my mother’; and I would respond that perhaps even what you see as outwardly so different may in fact be a reaction to her.
Why go down this road you may well ask? Because it is an established fact that mother daughter relationships are a troubled terrain. Especially so, in our new world of articulation and individuation! And I want to suggest that unless this space is reconciled, it spills into every intimate space and in fact your whole being. Frankly in all humility I would say, that it is truly the space which you need to revisit to discover how you lost your ‘self’.
This is not a slur on motherhood for it is the scheme of things that our mother encodes our primal instincts. But more on that later! Just to lighten things up a bit let’s just look at the all time favourite mothers club rhetoric, which is quite ageless and timeless. “I cannot believe how disorderly/filthy you are, are you my daughter? I can’t understand why you haven’t matured after all these years? In our day a woman was known by the kind of hostess/cook/wife/mother she was? Fine you have a career but you are such a wreck in the kitchen. Your children are being neglected because you have more time for yourself than them. X is such a wonderful daughter and mother she is so caring, I wish you would learn something from her. Why are you so impatient and angry all the time, why can’t you be more practical like you brother. Well I can’t wait to see you run your own home, everything will be a mess. What do you mean I don’t appreciate/praise you after all I’m your mother. Well you are so ungrateful and rude, you only know when you have your own children how difficult it is to be a mother. I can’t wait to see how your children will teach you a lesson and then you will feel sorry that you mistreated me so." I am surethere are many more voices dinning in the head after all these years!
And so, for most of your life she shadows everyting which includes- her discontent, her praise, her disapproval, her rejection, her anger, her guilt, her fears, her unfulfilled dreams, her victim psyche etc. For women their sexuality is affected deeply by their mother’s. Her sexual morality, response to your body, beauty, even her first response to your periods carve deep sexual selves. If you turn away with anger, guilt haunts you. If you succumb to her opinions/demands, frustration and anger seethes. Her praise soars your confidence, her support roots your self-esteem and her rejection wounds your trust.
I am not perhaps saying anything new here and science and psychology today support and corroborate much of what I am saying. However there is something new that I would like to add. In the mystical sense, the mother is a critical source, which creates your illusory self. As an entry point into this body, she brings together many subtle influences within you, which need to be understood if any journey back to your essence is desirable. She becomes your root self, because karmically she represents the Yin (feminine) experiences, hence lessons that you need to learn and amplifies the patterns you need to break. She therefore sits, if you will, at the doorway of your cosmic Yin Self, through which flows your unfettered creative, wise, abundant and mystical soul.
To tap at that door we must go past her, which means we must discover and free the primal selves (both which are like her as well as those which are against her- for both are in reaction to her!) that she gave birth too. And suddenly all the angst, turmoil and struggling with her ends, as it miraculously ends in all intimacy around us. What flows then is gratitude for all she has gifted us including the patterns and compassion for the hurt she may have inflicted. It is then that your bond with her becomes one of love as it is meant to be, unblemished by any demons of memory and desire.
Unhealed we circle around her in visible and invisible ways, for all of our lives like lost children seeking the promised land.
Posted By Jasjit Purewal - 1:24 PM Monday 26 June 2006
Comments
Hi Mieke
Glad you enjoyed the post. You are right that the lineage is long and deep and travels through grandmothers and great grandmothers. Actually when I hear stories about my great grandmother ( only met her once, she died when I was six) from my mom (she btw was even tinier than my ma) but in her times rode this awesome steed, scared the daylights out of men in her village and was informally the head of the village council for no decisions were made without her. Her husband was 6ft tall and bowed totally to the wisdom and will of this fireball of a woman. I can clearly see the spark in my granny, mom and aunts.
There is much that needs to be understood and freed however from these powerful Yin influences and that's where many women especially and even men, find their spirit subsumed. You were lucky to have a mother who even 'treated' you as a gift. Largely in the unconscious living of the human mind, such bonds are the deepest and most intense transfers of illusory selves.
A film I have loved and to date count amongst my top ten favourites is Autumn Sonata by Ingmar Bergman (Ingrid Bergman's last film I think before she died). I have yet to see anything capture the nuances and depths of a mother/daughter relationship gone wrong so brilliantly. But then both the Bergman's were inimitable. If you haven't seen it, its available on DVd now and a great watch.
Much Love
Posted by
Thanks Jasjit,
No i haven´t seen this film. Will go and see if i can find it on DVD..
Posted by
Dear Jasjit,
I have been visiting some stores in our town that could have this film in store,but no-one could provide it to me and could not order it either. However on the Internet i have read a profound analysis of it and what i understood from it as a major truth : ´me and my shadow`. And that is all in the eye of the perceiver or the one that has experienced certain things.
A number of weeks ago i went to a monastary to follow a course about "Living from the heart".
During this course they let us engage in a visualsation about our inner Father and Mother and albeit our inner child. We were to visualize ourselves on a small open spot in a forest in a bundle of light, then when we would slowly turn around there slowly but surely came forward, first our father, then our mother. Then we should let things happen as they happened...
Afterwards everyone could tell his/her own story how he/she experienced this. This was a revealing exchange of experiences and for eveyone in his/her own uniqueness a truthful one.
For me it was clear and i can only express this by quoting a song from the beginning of the eighties and i do not know which group sang it, but it was very shortly after my experience of "awakening":
"Cause we´re living in a world of the common people
Smiles from the heart of a family man
Daddy´s gonna buy you a dream to cling on
Mamma´s gonna love you just as much as she can
and she can.."
Now this is what i experienced during my childhood/adolescence in total innocence. Only when i got married, the next song of those group came a bit more true lol:
There´s a fraction to much friction.
And when that fraction was discovered the friction was over lol
This is my experience and my truth, cause it is all in the eye of the perceiver.
Much love
Posted by
Dear Mieke
I'm sorry you couldn't find it. Let me see if I can do something.
True all is in the eye of the perceiver but to get to the point of becoming aware that you are a witness and have a choice to either become the perception or not is the first step. A difficult one when the witness has not awakened and you are neither aware of it being the perception nor you being the perceivor. I find it fascinting that Christ Buddha and Osho amongst others plainly talked of 'killing the parents'. Metaphorically of course, but it is only when you see your parents at the root of your myriad selves does it begin to make sense. Indeed 'a fraction to much friction'.
love
Posted by
Harb
Ma is quite a woman and quite a ma too lol. Glad you enjoyed it.
love
Posted by
Dear Jasjit,
Always willing to learn and... never too old to ;)
Much love
Posted by
Dear jasjit
wonderful read! Made me laugh and cry. I lost my mum two years ago and the memories have been difficult to sort. Reading your post so many things became clearer. Especially why my elder sister has gone into therapy to cope with the loss. She was the one who had a really 'stormy' time with ma and she was abroad when she died. I have never been able to understand the intensity of how it hit her but when I read this I realized she left so many things unfinished with ma and her memories are full of bitterness and guilt. I sent her your post last night and she called today weeping like the world would end. She kept saying I wish I could have made amends. Many of the comments you wrote were regular conversations between them. But she said the article really helped her understand ho much she is struggling to let go of Ammi.
I smiled at the sentences because I thought yes I have heard them all but being the youngest I was sheilded in a way and Ammi was very protective of me. And that has left a different wound. So deep that sometimes I feel I cannot even cry. But your post opened the tap and I felt much better. especially because it helped me put things into some context and I realize that mothers are just so central to who we are. But this going past them thing I don't know what that really means or how one does it.
Thanx for such an honest and sensitive writing.
Posted by
While accidentally blogging for some material regarding tantrikism i came across this site. I was absolutely amazed by looking at the quality of articles with its superior language and topics. i particularly liked the article regarding,living under this skin by one jasjit that was absolutely marvellous.The author has not only pensketched the relationship but also has given some wonderful facts like the one when one is in the womb.
Posted by
Pyari pyari dost Meike
Tuhada packet aj milya. Bahut dhanvad. Haley asee dekhya nahin par tuhadi pyari punjabi di chitthi padi tey sochya peley thuanu dhanvad likhan. Haan ethey baarish vi ho rahi hai, thandi havawan vi chal rahiyan han tey dhup vi nikaldi hai.
Needless to say your punjabi is wonderful except for a few gender breaks, but then after oneness where is the masculine and where the feminine lol. Our tech man gets here in the first week of August when we redseign our website and will add the your CD and instructions there. Meanwhile thank you for the precious gift and the warm words.
Love and hugs
Posted by
Shagufta
I am sorry to hear about your loss. Parents are an unsubstitutable bond in our whole love scheme and mothers especially so. I'm glad it helped your sister and I guess she will have to make her peace by shedding the guilt and accepting the struggle as one within her and not outside.
I guess going past your your mother is really about systmatically discovering all the voices and selves which she has gifted (both good and bad) being able to witness them clearly and then being able to find a voice which is purely your own, unshadowed by any other self. I suppose this really is a tough one because the validation need from parents becomes such a subterranean field of selves that finding the courage to let them go is really about loving and accepting yourself in toto. especially for all the things that make your different and perhaps even unacceptable in their eyes. It is a last frontier kind of courage where you know that you deserve respect and love precisely for who you are and not because of who someone wishes you to be.
Its a gradual road Shagufta and when one decides to transcend all the artifice of created selves only then do we find the courage to walk here.
Hope that helps.
Much love to you.
Posted by
Hi Jasjit,
So the package has arrived already. I bet you had a good laugh reading my punjabi lol. But you´re right, after oneness no gender problems anymore :) It comes from a good heart.
Hope everything will work and that you will all enjoy it.
Much love and hugs to you too.
Posted by
Hi Mieke
Was extremely impressed by your letter in Punjabi!! Thanks a lot for the cds/manual:-) We're looking forward to the viewing.
lots of love
anusheh
Posted by
should have added....we didn't laugh we actually gaped at each other!! It was that good:-)
Posted by
hi anusheh, jasjit, thori jehi tareef mieke de punjabi teacher di vi kar devo lol.
jasjit, i read your description of your ma again and again. it is an inspired description. she comes out quite a chrismatic lady and isn't she living in zen in her own way lol. what living in zen is after all but living totally true to yourself, and seeing that she is not influenced even by such a powerful personaliy as you makes her a zen master in her own right lol. i can understand why your father fell for her...
Posted by on June 28, 2006 01:05 PM
Dear Harb Ji
You are right that no one can really tame ma, not even her powerful/handsome/wise husband, forget me. Ma is a strange motley (now you know why I'm such a freak)she shows unimaginable courage in impossible situations and level-headedness too and then can be stuck in self-destructive patterns forever too. After losing Dad though she flowered in amazing ways and also crumbled in some tragic sense. She misses him I guess in ways she could never imagine. His illness and death corroded many staunch selves and in the aftermath she was unhinged for a very loong time. But her sisters too have this amazing quality of bouncing back with full force (my naani's influence) and now she has once again found a lot of inner strength and peace which is nice to see. So you are right the Zen self in her is classic in many ways.
Even as I write this she is holidaying with my maasis and a group of women on the English coast in Cornwall. At 75 I feel that is so amazing and wonderful to see.
:)
Posted by
jasjit, looking at my father beyond the age of about 80 i used to sigh if i would be able to be like him at this age what with my all too wayward ways of living and eating. perhaps you also feel the same towards your ma sometimes....
Posted by on June 28, 2006 01:32 PM
Dear Harbji
Hai hai tvaada bhoot te blog de ird gird hi rehnda ai te gallan karda rehnda ai. Mein likh hi rahi saan mieke nu te meinu lagga tussi keya "teacher di vi tareef kar lo"......challo ji...agay ton pehle sun lavan gi lol
Vadaiyaan teacher nu.
Posted by
That is something Harb which goes beyond her holidaying etc. Mother's stamina is sometimes a curse lol, for she has been suffering with arthritic knees for nearly 15 years now(one has been replaced), so imagine the constant pain. Never complains unless she is in absolute agony, learnt biochemic medicine and homeopathy all on her own at this age, buys all the potions and mixes and treats herself and many others (though I tease her about neem hakeem) insists on doing all the shopping of the house, drives to congested markets on her own, insists on having one part of the home remodelled every year which means working with labour, contractors and the whole happy bunch, has her own car serviced and fixed and will also waddle down into the kitchen now and again to cook us one of her famous meals.
Her energy is something I have never had in the prime of my youth, so where's the question of wondering about old age lol. She has now discovered yoga and pranayam and studiously spends an hour everyday, come rain or shine. Result her latest medical check up showed her in the pink of health with all vitals in top form!
Now how does one aspire to that one!!!
And that her energy can also drive you totally whacky is another story altogether. :)
Posted by
bhoot tan na kaho anusheh ji, eh lafaj sade idhar bahuta changa jan respectable nahin samajhia janda, mundia ne sun lia tan kehnge ke blog wale tan tuhanu makhol karde ne te tusi kehnde ho uh menu elder waang satkar dinde ne tahion tan menu ji kehnde ne...lol. just kidding...
yes, we are connected through what science has sometime back discovered as non-local connections - where, at quantum levels, everything is instantly connected to everything else irrspective of where they live....
Posted by on June 28, 2006 01:49 PM
let me stop laughing...seems when you will be 75, you both will look alike lol....what with her discovering yoga and pranyama now!
she is reminding me of a punjabi film/theatre actress...i forget her name, she has done an ad with shoab akhtar for saint gobain glasses...zora sehgal or something...
Posted by on June 28, 2006 01:56 PM
Harb i am in dire need of the other part of the dictionary lol
But thanks to you i made a good impression here:)
Anusheh thanks for the compliment and you too are very welcome, hope you enjoy :)
Jasjit, in the meantime by reading here about your mother, i think i am going to adopt her as my role model as from now on lol
Much love to all
Posted by
Haw harbji jad tvano te meino pata ai keh main tvaade lai koi ghalat gal soch vi nai sakdi te phir kaazi da ki kam aithe?? lol
Posted by
Dear Mieke
Yes she is a daunting role model so go right ahead and adopt her. I may just warn you that all those living with you may have to be treated for exhaustion lol.
Harb
Yeah a kind of Zora Sehgal all right . :)
Posted by
anushehia, bilkul theek, bahut bahut pyar...
Posted by on June 28, 2006 02:51 PM
mieke, i will send you the other dictionary soon, more so when you are becoming internationally famous in punjabi letter-writing lol. tusi ithe is blog de harek member da dil jit liya hai punjabi letter likhke...
Posted by on June 28, 2006 02:55 PM
Hi Sayan
Welcome to the blog. Glad you liked the post and the blog articles. Look forward to your comments and participation here.
:)
Posted by
Very nice read Jasjit. She does live under the skin and my God you have all the comments down right. My mom says most of those things and sometimes she laughs about it later but I guess she also believes it all somewhere. And like you mom mine is amazing..its just that as a mother she can and does drive me nuts.
Shagufta
Sorry about your Ammi. Hope you find the courage to deal with it.
Love and good wishes
Posted by
Hello Jasjitji....I was recommended to this site by the hearty Mieke from Intent. I was just wondering are you the same Jasjit by any chance who used to write at Intentblog.com some time last yr around oct, becoz I thought Jasjit was a man and he was into Zen. Read your article, you too are into it but your style of writing seemed different to me. Just curious...can you let me know plz? Thanks..Sachin
Your site looks very neat!
Posted by
Hi Sachin
Welcome to the blog. Yes I indeed am that very same Jasjit and yes a woman too. :)
Glad you like the site!
Posted by
Thanks for the welcome! Oh God! Can't believe, the same who used to write abt Zen. I remember that Jasjit had a very serious tone in his writings....and very contemplative, I still remember the posts at death penalty. Also, when Jasjit left there...said...I will go into my hibernation mode...it felt like he/she was so upset with people and saw no point in staying with them.
It's so hard for me to believe when I saw your picture, a woman Beautiful woman Jasjit. I cudn't relate the two. So...it still hasn't sunk into me. Yes...a very neat site...very polite, nice atmosphere for exchange of thoughts.
Love..Sachin
Posted by
Well Sachin now the 100 million dollar question is why did you naturally assume I was a man? The name (its actually gender neutral), the serious Zen tone or the contemplative pieces??? Others on the sight (remember A.K) thought I was a man because I shared a story of facing rioters with a double barrel gun. It's telling and interesting how we make assumptions about people. :)
That was many months ago Sachin and I must say you have a great memory! I did go into hibernation mode because things were getting a little shrill at Intent at that time and I felt a little disillusioned but the real reason was that we were setting up this site at the time and it needed all my attention. I'm glad that you like this site and I hope it will be a place where you will participate. That is if you have recovered from my femaleness lol
love
Posted by
Gender neutral? That's the first thing I was not aware of. The only Jasjits I knew were men. But now I know!
Yeah...thanks for appreciating my memory. It's been one of my strengths, and it is an essential in medicine becoz of the vast info that we have to remember. But Basically...I remembered becoz I was really fascinated by 2-3 people then
One was Jasjit, Kaveetaa and Tanzan. 3 wonderful writers. Are you really that same Jasjit? who was there when Tanzan accused Kavita of plagiarism? Still not sunk fully. But yes...looks like becoz you told me of the hibernation mode and I felt Jasjit was disillusioned on the death penalty thread, but very deep in thinking. I'm saying disillusioned becoz you're saying that to me. I also thought, that gang was brutal to Jasjit and Tanzan..but becoz I liked both kavitas so much, that I was quiet and soft. Only later did I realized how defensive they were.
No...plz don't get me wrong on this was one, that I've set images of female, women. Not at all. Apparently when I talk abt the beauty of women, especially that of heart...how they are so kind and compassionate. People tend to think I've sterotype Image of women. I'm not sure if you did happen to read some posts abt my outlook towards women. I'm a Worshipper type basically. I've to Adore the woman, for me to write and talk.
No...I still haven't recovered from the femaleness of Jasjit! It may take just a while I think.
Love..Sachin
Posted by
Sachin
All that is water under the bridge now. Gone so far its hard to recall! However for me Intent has only ever been a place to learn and I took all as a message/gift even the disillusionment for it offered some valuable course corrections. Deepak Ji has a very special place in my heart and karma and my gratitude for him is inexpressible. As a critical Guru in my life journey, he has always been the source of critical messages and perhaps my surrender to his role has been absolute. Intent therefore was never a space from which I could carry hard feelings. This blog happened because of Intent, I met Aachi there, many of the dear commentors like Harb, Mieke, Rohit and others and now you are here because of Intent. It's a special blog with a powerful energy matrix for all who participate there. Unfortunately not everyone focusses on what they are being taught/shown and hence miss IMO critical Divine messages in scraps and mind games. But then I have always found that gratitude and attentiveness per se are rare human qualities.
BTW sikh names are gender neutral so you will find men and women being called the same. A great equalizer which ends up causing much confusion in a gender centric world lol.
Posted by
Plz Pardon me Other bloggers whom I know, as I talk to Jasjit here. I shall join in the discussions sometime later perhaps.
Wow Jasjit!!! You're so Clean inside. Such a Learner!! I didn't know you were such a big Fan of Deepakji. My God! I consider him as my Guru, he's changed my life forever! I've had great conversations with lot of them who were fond of him. He's such a humble man, even after reaching there.
Actually, I went into the archives to read some of your posts especially on Zen and feminine issues. YES! Now, I've totally recovered Jasjit! I was totally misled with the name.
You said you don't carry hard feelings. Wow! That's the Woman's heart..the real feminine I talk abt. Yes Jasjit...that's the rt way to go on the path of love. The reason why I asked you was, I was stunned with the gender becoz for so long I thought the other way. It was obvious it wud take sometime to sink in.
You're a refined writer, but the best part to me is the Genuinity and the humbleness. I went thru' one of your posts on Zen. Something, which I've been teaching for long...that how people get stuck in the Ego when they reach that close. This is the reason why Humbleness is so imp to me!!! The control over one ego/The imp one gives to one's ego in the most self reflective states. When we say I'm that..You're that...We're that. The Identification has to be with "That". The "I'm-ness". Words basically, to give an idea. The real thing is the consciousness experiencing itself! Oh well...I'm writing this to you, becoz you understood it so well how people are still stuck in the ego. You're a Very Deep person Jasjit.
Your last part on "learning"...what can I say? Shocking! One word to describe it. A lot many don't want to learn. They want to be just where they are...Progression doesn't mean a damn to them. It's the wiser one who has to catch that mentality in them. You must have heard that saying"You can take a horse to the river but can't make it drink". You can provide with everything, but the real part has to be done by the horse itself.
Hmm the last part you told, I didn't know that, in Sikhs it's common to have Unisex names. I see! Yes, I do get to see What Ifsha stands for and the work it is doing to protect the women's rts in the barbaric world we live in. Noble work really!! Keep it up!
Wow! I didn't know you like Deepakji so much. Is it alright here Jasjit to have a one to one conversation or do people mind? I'm not sure.
Love..Sachin
Posted by
Dear Sachin
Yes Deepak is one of the humblest beings I have encountered and my association with him even though intermittent is nearly 7 years long. At every stage that I have met him I've been overwhelmed by his genuiness and humility. It has fascinated me how differently I know him and how critical are those who have never even encountered him in person. But then envy and viciousness are no mystery, for they abound. In the beginning I was a bit distressed at Intent when many would be offensive and outright obnoxious to him but his silence and receptivity were yet another lesson of his humility for me. It has never ceased to amaze me how people never cease to lash out at him for being rich, a famous author or even a doctor. Many at Intent go into laborious debates on whether he is enlightened or not or at what stage he is. All merely reveal their own limitations at understanding the 'play' and how modernity is redefining everything including Gurus. However like Osho's wonderful line 'tumhari drishti hi tumhari srishti hai' so it must be true for all.
As for your perception that there is something inherently 'wonderful' about women I have to say I disagree with you there. I have known women capable of incredible malice, selfishness and cruelty and have known men whose heart has been as pure as a prayer. I think no gender has a monoply on anything but only a conscious mind and aware heart can gift us with great virtue. And that my friend has nothing to do with gender but everything to do with choice and desire.
So perhaps that may change how you view 'femaleness' now lol and from 'worship' you can move to just plain knowing. :)
Posted by
Jesus Christ Jasjit! You've fallen into the same thing and almost said the same thing as others have.
I just wish you had known me for long maybe at Intent thru' my many posts abt femininity and in general. When we say we reach a certain depth, that means the understanding is far far wider. It is not narrow tunnel visioned, and you've have crossed many many barriers which most of the human population is stuck into.
SPECTRUM! That one word can explain so much abt everything. Many things in life are not black&white....they come in hundreds of shades. The spectrum theory is just an expansion of "Two sides of the coin". So..how can I not know that women like men and most other things in life..not only come in just two shades, but in hundreds of shades. Broadly speaking, most certainly yes abt what you said. Oh God! If ever I go and speak on that side of the femininity, I will probably be buried rt here at this site:)) by some of the feminists. The dark side. I generally focus very little on the dark side. It somehow has been a very natural feeling in me to see the Beauty in the femininity. And I generally keep singing songs abt how Beautiful they are! Doesn't mean I'm not aware of how women can be ruthless brutal and all that stuff of the dark side. Have you ever seen how women are bashing men physically too at WWF? I'm aware of all that, but don't like to talk on that.
Dear Jasjit...you've been one of the most surprising things really. I had no clue, you were this sensitive. I used to have the same problem when rough things were talked abt Dear Deepak, this was at Chopra.com where my maximum growth took place in his company. But with time, I learnt how to overlook, exactly what Deepakji does and preaches. It's true what u said above as to how people attack him, but if you look at their angle...taking out all the negative vicious energy and seeing if there is any truth in it or not...you find some for sure. I'm saying this, who considers him as his Guru in the informal sense. It's a big topic...maybe we can talk someother time.
So..Dear friend Jasjitji...you mean to say something is wrong with that perception of "Something is inherently beautiful abt women". I can prove it in general when it comes to sensitivity and compassion...women are light yrs ahead of men. For every man in that state...there wud be more than 5 women at least, much more actually. It's a wild guess to give u an idea. Becoz to me...Love&compassion mean more than all the Gyan, the cerebral matters...I'm naturally so attracted to them and I keep singing praise abt the Beauty of that Femininity.
Don't you find it wonderful though when one sex speaks abt the Beauty of the other sex, rather than the other way round...which is almost the norm in the world and such a big problem?:))
This site in comparison to Intent seems to be quite slow in comment&discussion. Just an observation, nothing more to it. I understood though how wud like me to just know plainly rather than in the admiring mode abt the femininity:))
Love..Sachin
Posted by
Hi Sachin! Welcome to the blog.
So Jasjit's name was a real Googly for you!
A few thoughts...
IMO the words femininity and masculinity stop making sense when they are singularly used to describe women and men respectively. And I think the reason for the black&white problem is because people don't see these as attributes/qualitites that are both present in men as well as women in their good/better/best and bad/worse/worst form.
You are right when you say that it is wonderful when one speaks about the beauty of the other sex. When I think of some of the qualities that my husband has that make him such a gentle and caring man, (which otherwise stereotypically would fall under the scheme of the femininity in women), I feel my heart filled with nothing but love for him.
But when I see the nagging feminine or stubborn masculine in him I get very angry with him. (I'm sure my hubby must be feeling the same about me.) Similar is the case when I see these in women.
It's the personification of Masculinity and femininity into two distinct gender types that has created this balck and white scenario and all the generalizations.
Yes to a large extent we can say that women are much more sensitive and compassionate than men but that is again I think an outcome of the socialization process which again makes a gender distinction of women = femininity and men = masculinity.
Posted by
Hi Chaitali....Yeah Jasjit was a googly. Plumb lbw, out and back to the pavilion. But happy to be in the pavilion and talking. Just being jovial:))
Yes, what you wrote is quite true. Oh this topic is endless...can go for hrs. I've been deep into it. The general population thinks mostly like what u said. The black&white thinking and also the social and conditioning aspect especially in India. True.
The point I was making to her was, when u reach a certain depth in knowledge and understanding, these become basics. One has to assume that the other already knows these basics.
The two energies of feminine and masculine run in both the sexes. The ex which u gave. It's a basic. What I find So Beautiful is that Feminine principle of the Universe!! Of course it exists in the men...and no wonder those Men become special and adored by women. That feminine principle is what I worship...and whenever I see that Feminine principle, my eye Immediately catches it, fosters it worships it. Why? It's becoz the Feminine principle in me Revels when it sees that in the other...and where does it see commonly and in Abundance?? Abundance? In the Hearty women, in the Beautiful women who think from the heart. Hence, my deep natural attraction.
Hope you cud really see where I''m coming from.
My bottom line however will be... Women are Adorable!!:))
Love..Sachin
Posted by
Hello Sachin. Yes I can understand what you are saying about the larger feminine principle of the Universe. And it takes first to understand the basics, as you have rightly put it, to understand the larger feminine principle. Unfortunately many are yet to understand the basics itself.
Posted by
Hi Jasjit...Are you busy with your work? I was looking fwd to talk to you. Kahin kuch galath tho nahi keh diya main aapko, jho burra laga aapko kuch vho tho bathana, will know it. Agar kuch aisa lage ke meri philosophy kaffi alag hai aapse tho teek hai, lekin aisa vho tho tabhi discussion acha hotha hai nahi? I'm very much into Advaita&Sufism Jasjit. I've seen you talking at those depths, it was beautiful...and I thought it wud be so nice to talk to her abt those subjects.
Love..Sachin
Posted by
Hi Sachin
Agar mujhe kuch burra kabhi laga to mein tumehein batayun gi zaroor. Have just been preoccupied so go ahead and talk will respond to you in the morning though. Have had a long day in high humidity & long power cuts. :]
Posted by
high humidity and long power cuts...i thought only i was suffering this because of my city being backward lol. so jasjit, you too are into it! it is also the case of mitar piare nun sada haal muridan da kehna...bijli de bin jindagi rog rajaian da odhan bhat kheria de rehna...
Posted by on July 5, 2006 10:04 PM
Good Morning sachin
We haven't posted an Open Thread for a long time so I thought let's start today, its a good place to have a discussion on Advait, sufism or anything else that others want to talk on and debate. Let's see where it goes. :)
Posted by
Yes Harb
Bijli is quite a painful one. Yesterday we had no power in the office all day and everything including computers and people's brains just collapsed. My take on it 'ghar ta tere sab kuch hai na den diyan galan' lol.
Posted by
Hi Jasjit...sorry to hear abt the horrible power position in Delhi, saw it in the news too. Behaal hai logon ka, aur idhar barishvho rahi hai, tandi hawa chal rahi hai..hyd mein. Duniya ki kahani bhi kuch aisi hee nirali hai. Contrast.
I can tell you one thing Jasjit, it's definitely not worth being at IB for someone who is sensitive. I got stuck for some reason, am almost done.
Yeah...it is a good idea I reckon to converse at the open thread. Will be there sometime soon.
Love..Sachin
Posted by
Dear Jasjit, one of the most profound, raw articles on women, i'd read in some time; besides Clarissa's Bluebeard...
I couldn't have read it at a better time.
I read here almost daily, since this blog was created; but, seldom respond like I did many months ago...
I finally got to this piece, and felt a compelling need to say... thankyou.
North
Posted by on July 7, 2006 11:58 AM
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Hi Harb, I have been reading the blog just now. This one on one conversation is very straightforward and I ...
Dear Jasjit, thank you for this enlightening article.
One sentence did it for me:
"you only know when you have your own children how difficult it is to be a mother. I can’t wait to see how your children will teach you a lesson"
My mother always used to say to me: ´it is in a way paying back an old debt` :)
But she also told me that i was a gift given to her to treat with the utmost care and let go off when time was there. And she did and now afterwards may i say that she did a terrific job :)
These are the only two things that really have guided me in raising my own kids and i hope they will understand someday.
But i think the bloodline goes further. As my grandmother has lived in our house for quite some time and i was born in hers, this also had quite an influence on me i guess.
In this connection i have read a very good book of Marianne Frederiksson: "Anna, Hanna and Johanna"
Love, Mieke