Healing implies using a holistic approach to a problem. This means that the remedy of the malady lies in the treatment of the complete being i.e. mind, body and soul. The soul is the most elusive element in the being. It does not figure in our daily conscious realm of experience and sensation, making it hard to define and pin down. The body is the soul manifest. It is the vehicle of the soul and without our body we cannot participate in life as we know it. The body is tangible, it is home to all sensations, we experience it from moment to moment, we are well aware of its indispensability in our life and we depend upon it for all acts great or small. The mind is the bridge between the body and the soul. Our bodies respond to the way we think, feel and act. Mind-body research has shown that our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, relationships with others and behavior habits influence our bodies, moving us towards sickness or health depending on whether our thoughts are negative or positive. Every time we think, a shower of chemicals sends that message (thought) out to the body resulting in an immediate physical reaction. For example when we are fearful we often get stomach cramps, when we’re stressed the body can give us a headache and when we fantasize about sex the body responds with a range of sensations and begins to ready itself for sex by lubricating the vagina or causing an erection.

If what you think is absorbed so entirely by your body then it is also transmitted as energy waves of information through your soul or auric field. Who you are is what you attract in life. This basic principle works for all of us. If you are an angry person you will attract people to you who carry suppressed or visible rage. If you are sexually dysfunctional you will attract similar unresolved sexual beings to yourself. If your fantasies are violent you are most likely to end up in aggressive sexual spaces. Healing sexual fantasies is therefore imperative not because they are ‘immoral’ but because they are affecting the whole of you and your environment.

The sexual is gifted to us by creation, as a powerful and unmatchable experience of creativity, pleasure and intimacy. It’s power is such that humanity is obsessed with it in some way or the other. I want sex, I hate sex, I need sex, I have to stop sex. Either way, the fascination with sex and the sexual continues. Religions, philosophies, mythologies, science, every school of thought addresses the sexual.

In the sexual lies wo/man’s power to create life, a power that raises man to the level of God/Divinity. Spiritual Masters and the entire school of Tantra, reminds us that the sexual is the door to the divine and home to the Ojas (the energy of the spirit, the essential self that is creative and that alone holds the power to our liberation from the snares of all worldly illusion). The mental, physical and spiritual harmony that is achieved through the orgasm is an experience that cannot be replicated through any other physical act. Mind, body and soul merge together in that one moment leading us to experience bliss, silence, expansion, timelessness and completion. In essence it is that feeling of ‘oneness’ so to speak, within us, that drives us to seek sexual ecstasy compulsively.

Since the sexual is essentially creative, divine and bliss oriented its association with pain, anger and violence is anything but natural. However millions are afflicted with this split and large numbers of people keep joining the rank. The pleasure/pain association gets born of anti joy conditioning, the messages that come through sexual abuse, stifling morality, religion etc. Pain cannot create joy. It can only lend to more pain. Similarly joy has no relationship to pain. Joy is life-positive and pain negates life. Joy is creative and the only road to bliss, which is what we fleetingly experience the orgasmic state as. And bliss can only be known in the unity of mind, body and spirit, which is why the orgasm is such a short and ephemeral experience. Healing sexual fantasy therefore has to begin by drawing a clear distinction between joy and pain. However, I would like to make a distinction here between pleasure and joy. Pleasure can be a sensory experience, therefore learnt behaviour and can therefore be induced by painful stimuli because it has been learnt that way. Joy is a spontaneous, wholesome state born of the wonder of the heart.

Sexuality is not just about sex. It is about our emotions, it is about receiving and giving, it is about liking and loving our body, it is about intimacy and creativity, it is about nurturing ourselves and those we share intimate spaces with. It is central to who we are and how we express ourselves. Within sexuality, fantasy is a powerful tool of self-expression, creativity and self-fulfillment. It is a fundamental expression of who we are emotionally and sexually and how we connect to the world around us in what we know as to be the most intimate of expressions that man is capable of. And for those of us who are troubled by our fantasies they are an important indicator of the direction we must look in to heal ourselves.

Here are the steps that we need to take to heal our sexuality:

1. Recognizing there is a Problem: All healing work begins with firstly recognizing that there may be a problem. Wendy Maltz in her book ‘Private Thoughts’ provides the following nine questions that people can ask themselves to figure out to what extent a particular fantasy is problematic. I have elaborated on these nine questions where I felt necessary.

• Does the fantasy lead to risky or dangerous behavior?
• Does the fantasy feel out of control or compulsive? I cant stop myself, I want to experience it in reality.
• Is the content of the fantasy disturbing or repulsive?
• Does the fantasy hinder recovery or personal growth? Does it make me feel negatively about myself? Does it keep me addicted to drugs etc.?
• Does the fantasy lower my self-esteem or block self-acceptance?
• Does the fantasy distance me from my real-life partner? Or does it get in the way of emotional intimacy?
• Does the fantasy harm my intimate partner or anyone else? Am I aggressive or disrespectful to his/her body?
• Does the fantasy cause sexual problems? Am I not able to ejaculate/orgasm without it?
• Does the fantasy really belong to someone else? Is it, for example, what someone did to me sexually as a child?

2. Confronting Fantasy: Go into your fantasy. The problems arise when we don’t understand what our fantasies are telling us and instead begin to judge and berate ourselves over their nature. Judging only creates guilt and shame and then suppression and denial. Fear, that if we confront our fantasy we will become it, is also baseless as knowing your enemy is essential if you want to defeat your enemy. Fighting and struggling with fantasies (or anything for that matter) actually lends more energy to them resulting in a vicious cycle of anger and self loathing. Stop being scared of it, observe it carefully and try and listen to what it’s telling you about yourself.

3. De-coding Conditioning: Return to your childhood. Recall the messaging/imaging you received regarding love, validation, sexuality, security, physical touch, religion, morality etc. Try and figure out where the pleasure-pain association took form.

4. Stop Clinging to Misery: Make a conscious decision to root pain and misery out of your life. To be joyous is natural. Allow yourself to seek wholesome pleasure, freed from the bondage of pain. Bring wonder into your daily acts.

5. Open your Heart: Violence, guilt, anger, pain are all emotions that point to a closed and unhappy heart. Listen to your heart. Chant in it, meditate on it, make conscious efforts to be more kind, accepting, gentle and loving towards yourself and then watch this feeling naturally spill over into your relationships with others.

6. Love and Respect your Body: Learn to communicate with your body. Thank it for its wisdom and forgive yourself for hurting it. Caress yourself, hug yourself, protect your body and tell your body you will heal it. Be gentle with it and make a commitment to loving it. Look after its diet, exercise it, listen to its needs and be patient with it. Remember you are building a new relationship with it. Accept your body as it is, it is your greatest friend, not your enemy. Everyone is made perfect. Different, but perfect.

7. Become an Observer to your Thoughts: Learn to watch your thoughts as if they belong to someone else. When they bring negativity to you thank them for showing you what still needs to be worked upon. Your thoughts do not control you, you control your thoughts.

8. Emotional/Sexual De-toxification: Drop toxic emotions like guilt and shame. They serve no purpose other than keeping you locked in dark dungeons of despair. Forgive yourself and move on. Move out of toxic relationships i.e. those which hurt you, make you feel bad about yourself, block or discourage your healing, create more burden and anguish than they do support and joy. Believe that you deserve more. Abandon yourself to life and its adventures always trusting that you will be looked after.

9. Losing is Learning How to Win: And if you fail. Don’t stop and don’t give up. Pick up from where you left off and start again. Look at why you failed and learn how to win.

In my experience, the greatest adventure wo/man can embark upon is that of searching the dark corners of his/her own being. Walking through the chaos, challenging the demons and riding the many struggles that lie within us, to finally emerge on the other side into the wonder of seeing that all the love, light and passion that one sought outside of oneself lies in abundance within the center of ones own being.

At the eve of the new year, truly a time for endings and beginnings, I wish us all the courage to live the adventure.