In my experience, negative fantasies almost always result from a feeling of powerlessness and a need for love and attentiveness. If you stare hard and long at your fantasy you are most likely to find that it has nothing to do with sexual desire and everything to do with an unresolved emotional issue. Let me clarify with an example; Saad (name changed) had recurring fantasies of sodomizing older men. For him it was traumatic to have a homosexual fantasy. He was attracted to women and couldn’t understand why his fantasy involved a man. He had begun to panic, thinking he was actually gay, especially since he held strong religious dogma against homosexuality. Saad’s personal life included a father who was domineering and physically abusive towards him, all the way through adolescence. In his healing sessions he finally made the connection that his sexual fantasy was more about power, control and the ability to hurt and therefore take revenge from the ‘older male’ (read father) whom he had felt rejected by in life.

Sexual fantasies are also deeply related to our sexual conditioning – especially as children. This can include child sexual abuse, chance exposures to sex, physiological responses to inappropriate touch, messages received by us regarding sex, body and intimacy and so on and so forth. Vikram (name changed) had seen his mother naked as a teenager and was unable to get that image out of his sexual fantasies. He felt guilty and ashamed for doing this and had written himself off as a sexual pervert. In my healing work with child sexual abuse victims, I discovered that the sensory responses to touch and sexual stimulation during the abuse (provided the sexual abuse was not violent) often led the child to believe that he/she had enjoyed the abuse. Something similar had happened to Vikram. Seeing his mother’s naked body, he had a normal physiological response to nudity. However the fact that he had felt titillated by his own mother had left him with a sense of perversion and guilt. The image of his mother naked, replayed itself endlessly in his sexual fantasies as a dance of guilt and excitement.

Fantasies can also focus on negative messages about sex when growing up or perhaps unresolved guilt and shame experienced as a child during sexual abuse. For example Sheba (name changed) had repetitive rape fantasies. She had been sexually abused as a child and was torn by guilt and shame. By constantly re-enacting the abuse in her sexual fantasy she was actually punishing herself repeatedly for ‘allowing the abuse to happen’ (that was her perception). Then there was the case of Lisa who had grown up in a conservative Christian household in which she was constantly being given messages like “only sluts wear tight clothes”, or “tarts wear makeup” and so on. Lisa’s tormenting fantasy involved her prostituting herself.

Sexual fantasy research reveals that whereas men usually have fantasies of dominance, women’s fantasies tend to be more submissive in nature. For example it is common for women to have fantasies in which they are being forced to have sex (this does NOT mean that they want to be raped) but less common for them to have fantasies in which they are the aggressors. This general difference in the sexual fantasies of men and women have led researchers to the conclusion that gender messaging also lends shape and form to our sexual fantasies. Women are more likely to have submissive fantasies because society expects that as a gender role. Fantasies of being ‘forced’ into sex can keep away the guilt of having autonomous sexual desire, which society clearly validates only for men.

The most rampant source of sexual conditioning is of course pornography. In the absence of informed access to sexual knowledge/information, peer pressure and the racy nature of pornography become guide and mentor to most. Unfortunately the illicit underbelly which creates and markets it uses every stereotype of the forbidden / dark / censorious / deviant desires to cash in on its users. With no codes of safety, responsibility, health, etc. it thrives on creating notions of sex and body that are dangerous, bizarre and promote irresponsibility and lawlessness. It is usually sexist, racist and disrespectful towards men, children, women and animals and encourages abusive sexual desires and behavior. Some people suggest that pornography is born from fantasy, and so porn is completely justified because it fulfills a ‘dormant’ need. Not surprisingly recent trends in ‘researching’ pornography prove that most pornographic material is steadily becoming more violent and abusive. Obviously, the growing frustration in human interactions per se in our world today and the lack of healing spaces, have turned the sexual into a ‘score settling’ realm. With pornography legitimizing it as ‘desire’ and ‘sexuality’ the net impact will be nothing short of disastrous.

Porn messaging basically thrives on the following common themes : women are objects to be used as one pleases, women love being raped, children want sex, masculinity means aggressive sex, incest is normal, irresponsible sex is exciting, sexual violence turns people on, sex has nothing to do with love, real men can have sex for up to 30 minutes uninterrupted, real men have penises a tad smaller than a donkey’s and only then do they get women, and if women’s breasts don’t stick out enough to knock out a few things they will never make it sexually . Not only does messaging like this lead to immense dissatisfaction with one’s body image but also leads to distorted notions of what should be pleasurable and sexually satisfying for us and for our partner. Since the main thrust of pornography is aggressive, violent, and disrespectful sex it is no surprise that it triggers sexual fantasies of a similar nature.

Researchers have also discovered that using pornographic materials leads to several psychological, social and behavioral problems. Dr. Claudio Violato, a professor at the University of Calgary, studied the effects of pornography in a research (2002) that involved 12,000 participants. His findings were alarming; “the authors of the study concluded that exposure to pornography puts viewers at increased risk for developing sexually deviant tendencies, committing sexual offences, experiencing difficulties in intimate relationships, and accepting of the rape myth (that women want to be raped). One of the most common psychological problems is a deviant attitude towards intimate relationships such as perceptions of sexual dominance, submissiveness, sex role stereotyping or viewing persons as sexual objects.”

In effect, in the absence of any clear, wholesome notion of who we are sexually, the ‘deviant’ blindfolds us as our norm. The critical point being, that unless we have discovered the core of who we are sexually in our most natural, spontaneous, joyful state how are we to escape the demons of deviance?

Healing is the only way. The sexual is not a dank space for shadow-boxing with menacing memories and desires. Acceptance and desire to search for our sexual self as a core which is joyful, passionate and loving is the first step

In my next and final piece, I will talk about the road to healing sexual fantasies.