All this secrecy around sexual fantasy arises primarily from the same things that make talking about sex taboo i.e. fear of social reprimand, notions of sin and virtue, religious beliefs, notions of morality etc. etc. However, the secrecy around sexual fantasy is exacerbated by a host of other concerns that the ‘fantasizers’ may have.

Some people just don’t want to acknowledge sexual desire. This is usually the case when desire is thought to be wrong or sinful. Others don’t differentiate between fantasy and reality and think that fantasizing about a sexual act is tantamount to indulging in it. These kinds of responses are typically associated with strong anti-sexuality religious beliefs.

There are many other concerns that keep people from talking about sexual fantasy. Some of the most common concerns include a fear of judgment. For example, women/men who have same sex fantasies but are in heterosexual relationships, fear that revealing their fantasy could lead to them being labeled as closet homosexuals. Or women who are not very sexually expressive in reality but indulge in adventurous fantasies may feel that sharing their fantasies could result in their partner creating undue pressure on them to be more experimental sexually. A jealous reaction from a partner or plain boredom with him/her is another common fear. Men and women who may fantasize about people other than their partners feel that sharing the fantasy could lead to the partner feeling jealous or suspecting them of wanting to have extra marital affairs. Some people also fear that revealing their fantasy or living it out with their partner may not be as sexy as they imagine it to be and could lead to unnecessary disappointment and resultant loss of the particular fantasy. That sharing their sexual fantasy could result in their partner feeling sexually repulsed by them is another common fear voiced by research participants. In fact research on sexual fantasy clearly shows that people who do seek real life encounters based on their sexual fantasies are most likely to do so with sex workers or strangers (one-night stands) – as there is little fear of judgment, no emotional involvement and an assumption that sex workers have seen and done it all and so would not display shock no matter how wild, disgusting or ‘unacceptable’ the fantasy may be.

Secrecy regarding fantasy is also of course directly related to the nature of fantasy. Whereas many of us (if we are comfortable talking about sex in the first place) may find the courage to voice our fantasies so far as romantic settings go, or being with a legitimate partner (husband or wife) on a remote island etc. we are least likely to speak about them if they involve strangers, violence, aggression and/or all those things which we perceive to be socially discouraged, looked down upon or just not in tandem with the image that we like to portray of ourselves i.e. the decent girl, the sensitive man and so on and so forth.

The mind is capable of a limitless range of sexual imagination. It would be wrong therefore to assume that one could categorize them all comprehensively. Having said that, one can categorize fantasies which research shows us to be most common amongst men and women:

1)Adventurous Fantasizing: Largely takes place to overcome sexual boredom. Content usually focuses on new ways and situations in which to have sex. Could involve having sex with strangers, having sex in a public place etc. etc.

2)Observer Fantasies: The fantasizer does not participate directly in the sexual act but instead observes other people having sex or indulging in sexual acts. These are quite common among married partners where one person fantasizes about watching their spouse have sex with someone else.

3)Romantic: Gentle, sweet, idyllic fantasies, relying heavily on ambience.

4)Exhibitionistic: Fantasies in which there is no real sexual contact but the fantasizer exposes his/her body parts to others who are presumably turned on by the display.

5)Sadomasochistic/Masochistic Fantasies: Inflicting pain on others or being inflicted pain upon is the theme of such fantasies. They can involve acts such as gagging, whipping, burning, suffocating, spanking etc.

6)Power and Control Fantasies: The main thrust of these fantasies is to achieve power and control over ones partner. To command or force others into having sex. Or to be ‘conquered’ by someone sexually. Domination and humiliation are also central themes within this kind of fantasizing.

7)Multiple Partner Fantasies: These are extremely common. Occasionally these fantasies involve bi-sexual encounters i.e. men and women indulge in heterosexual and homosexual sex.

8)Rape Fantasies: The fantasizer is either being raped or is a rapist him/herself in this fantasy. Women and men both have rape fantasies and men see themselves as ‘being raped’ as well usually by another man.

Research shows that both men and women fantasize with a similar frequency. Whereas it was once thought that women have more gentle, idyllic and romantic fantasies there is increasing evidence to show that whereas the genteel and the creative are part of their fantasy land, they are also equally capable of having aggressive, violent and perverse fantasies as are men. Research also claims that over the years more and more ‘normal’ people are reporting aberrant, deviant and perverse fantasies in therapeutic settings.

In the second part of this article I will be delving into the emotional/psychological and formative connections between sexual fantasy and desire.