Your piece is sweet and funny Anusheh but as a mother I have a question. Why is that no matter how wild and out-of-hand our child's behaviour why is there always something wrong with the parenting. I mean not just you but everyone hints at that. And truthfully speaking I think a parent is always struggling with that guilt anyways. Don't you think its just the children who are difficult(I agree in some cases the parenting is totally at fault) ior its just their age or genes that they get? I am struggling with an 18 year old son and no matter what kind of 'space' and openess I provide he just goes and does the most outrageous things. And often I feel just to hurt me.
Please tell me what you think because I really need to figure this one out.

Dear Gopi

Parenting always needs to be looked at because its central to child development. Children are born pure and innocent and its our indulgence, neglect, denials or whatever else we are practicing as parenting which forms a childs personality. Ofcourse this is not to say that they are not also being formed by their social environment but parents and especially mothers, because they are primary caretakers, are in a position to direct that influence in ways which can be positive for the child.

As far as guilt goes. All I can say to you is that guilt is a toxic emotion because it's draining and hardly ever leads to change. Its better to drop the guilt and spend our energy on constructive solutions.

Hope this helps

Dear Anusheh

As a teenager I always wanted the others to understand me. As an older person I always wanted the youngsters to understand. I guess with time we forget that there is a reason for every move that we make and everything we say. I do not want to be judgemental on the teenager but I do surely think that she is breaking the rules to prove something to someone. Somewhere deep inside there is a problem thats bothering her and she is venting out her anger or frustration in a different manner.

The best approach is to be friendly with your kids(I do sound like a parent! I am not)and its better that they tell you everything rather than doing it behind your back. Also even if a kid has inherent qualities by birth, shaping of a mould depends a lot on the craftsman, therefore parenting does shape a child's behavior.

regd
kriti

Dear Kriti

Welcome to the blog. You're absolutely right. There have to be many problems with parenting in this particular situation which seem to be evoking this kind of rash, i want to make a point kind of behaviour. Truly as teenagers one is torn between how to get validation from adults and how to also be in with the crowd. It is a difficult situation to be in and personally I am happy to be over with those years.

You dont have to be a parent to know Kriti. Truly friendship is the only way and being a good craftsman was a wonderful way of describing parenting.

There are many parents today, all around the world, that seek within their hearts to experience a better connection – personal & emotional – with their children. It is an area that is often difficult for many as, much of this personal interaction has been retarded. It has been difficult to find parents who are ‘opening up’ at speeds similar to the ‘growing up’ of their children. With many parents, connection with their children has brought about a feeling of unhappiness, a lack of fulfillment and even, confusion; and many parents would, though hesitantly therefore, term themselves “unsuccessful”.

“Parenting” brings in opportunities for sharing and experiencing; the beauty of the new frequencies that they will be able to share with their children, who are vibrating with a similar resonance. However, there are many connections coming forth that do not fit into their children’s structures presently in existence for personal relationships. Many parents find the need to connect, even though it might not be appropriate in all the traditions presently in existence on this earth. However, structured ideas and heavy-thought forms that are in conflict with what they are feeling in the area of personal connections, may force them to mentally reside in areas that foster restriction.

A viewpoint :-)

Dear Rajiv

It is true that it is rare to be able to find parents who can keep up with the speed of their own childrens evolution. I guess because in order to do that you need to be extremely flexible, receptive and someone who is moving with the times.

I dont think that there are parents who decide consciously to destroy their children. Of course like you say they want to connect to their children. The problem rises when the way in which they decide to connect may have nothing to do with what their child needs/wants.

Another viewpoint:)

You are right, Anusheh when you say "The problem rises when the way in which they decide to connect may have nothing to do with what their child needs/wants."

The parents need to introspect, and dovetail- rather than vice versa :-)