Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.

Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.

Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.

Thats hilarious ,j...

Laughed my guts out at this article I received on e-mail..…
A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...
"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man... they had monkeys and devils and shit like that.
But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.
But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... And you don't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding..., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know.
And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

some more...

"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?
The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last
one.The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted,"Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

With apologies to all blondes

Did you hear about the blond who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue.

What does a postcard from a blond's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why did the blond tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

What's the Blonde's Cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....uh, oh well..I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yeah yeah yeah..."

This one's called - Irish Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What did you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow: "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

Second Cow: "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
----------------------------------------

An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"

-------------------------------------------------

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words
like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oza kombinations of letas.

After ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu anderstand ech oza. Ze drem of ze united urop vil finali kum tru!

Shobhosree,

Too good!

Hi Chaitali,

End up laughing every time i read the "mad cow" and the "zoo" jokes ... damn good! :D

some gr8 laughs..tx all...

yes! dear all, thanks for a day of laughter..

This kid will go far!!

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida.

NAME:
Greg Bulmash

SEX:
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I am worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Of course! Thats why I am applying.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 pm - Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they are better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR:
I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARD OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I am the greatest thing since slice bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that right now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE:
Aries.

They hired him because he was so honest and funny!

There is a good old barber in London.
One day a florist goes to him for a hair cut. After the cut, He goes to the barber for paying the money when the barber says " I am sorry i cannot accept money. I am doing community service." The florist is happy and leaves. Next day there are a dozen roses and a thank you card waiting for the barber when he goes to open his shop.

A poilceman also gets his hair cut by the barber and the barber refuses to take money from him saying " I am sorry i cannot accept money as i am doing community service.". The cop is happy and next day when the barber goes to open his shop there are a dozen donuts and a thank you card waiting for him.

An Indian software engineer also gets his haircut from the barber. The barber agin refuses to take money and says " I am sorry but i cannot accept money...I am doing communty service"

The Indian is happy and leaves.

THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP,
GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...

A Dozen Indians waiting for a haircut!:)

thats hilarious ,aachi and neha...

nothing hilarious coming into the mind spaces even after taking two pegs of Old Monk lol..

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed,already naked.

He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69'position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shat on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.

And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.

This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's
grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!

And you think that you have FAMILY PROBLEMS

lol..annie and jasjit...hilarious..

Annie and Chaitali that was hilarious.

Harb that was very funy. LOL

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
____________________________________________

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and having been told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

The preacher decided that he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets carried the following headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and this time it won. The headlines blared: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher to not enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.

This was just too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a neighboring village. The next day, the headlines announced: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. As soon as he was able, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer willing to buy it for $10. The paper announced the transaction as: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS.

They buried the bishop the next day.

_________________________________________

sorry, anusheh, i just got to read your soooooo hilarious posts...tears are rolling down my cheeks. adam and eve wallah was specially hilarious...

seems we too have buried each other upside down in some way...

Thanks Harb. Not buried you at all....still waiting for your post:-)

love
Anusheh

Twenty ways to tell someone that their fly is open

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see youre nuts.
_____________________________________________

lol..and maybe a 21st...time to get out the fly swatter, guys...

a note could go across.."maybe you should be checking out your "semen"tics, guys...."

no offence meant to anyone...purely a humour exercise:

Vedic copulation mantras:

Om cuntaaya namaha
Om ananda pradayini Namaha
Om ananta anandaaya namaha
Om ektaaya namaha
Om lingaya namaha
Om linga cunta ekjutaya namaha
Om purusha prakritaye namaha
Om Vishwa shantaye namaha!!!

Om panty panty pantihi!!( since written by males!!!)

i called up a public utility service.The voice told me that I had got through to the wrong number and I was to call xxxx.

I called up the number she gave me. The same voice answered. I verified it was her. She told me that she was doing both the jobs that day!!!!!

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local school master. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for"Water Closet". She wrote to the school master inquiring the facilities about the WC. The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house, a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is,however,plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation specially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organaccompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on
a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead
without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest
surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest
spoke.

"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely
that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are
unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was
wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it
would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the
sight of her shapely beasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She
consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis.
Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied
lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, May I touch it?" This time the priest
consented and
after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a
huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the
right place, it can give life."

"Is that true Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel
and let's get the hell out of here."

"Excuse me, sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things you sent me?"

"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog at e them, but of course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think tha t means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what he did say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

Hi All,

Just thought I'll share this nice one with you guys.
----------
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away.

But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in its mouth, as well."

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten-dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.

The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket, which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor.

The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door.

As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

Moral of the Story: You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations. It's a dog's life after all...
--------------

Gotta go ... boss calling ... ("... after all").

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"

-------------
A Couple at the Zoo

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are visiting the local zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla begins to go ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunts, and
pounds his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at seeing the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow by puckering her lips, wiggling her bottom......play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down! The husband then suggests that she try lifting her dress up her thighs. This drives the poor gorilla absolutely crazy.Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now!.......tell HIM you have a headache."

--------------

A few more ...
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Birthday Present:
This couple are getting on in years, so the husband thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

------------------
Gaurd Dog:
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog.
He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man
walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign
advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at
this.The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the
corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little
thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she says in a skeptical tone, "Karate, my a**!"
---------

Thought I'd share this one too:
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"A business executive named Witherspoon went on a convention and took along his secretary. They arrived at the hotel very late in the evening and were told that all the rooms were taken except one, and it was a single. "No problem," replied Mr. Witherspoon, "just put a cot in there for me and we’ll share the room.
A few moments after Mr. Witherspoon and the secretary had gotten into their respective beds, the secretary sheepishly asked, "Mr. Witherspoon ,it’s awfully cold tonight, would you mind getting up and shutting the window?"
The boss replied, "Well, let’s see, if you’re cold, how would you like to pretend that you’re Mrs. Witherspoon tonight?"
"Oh, Mr. Witherspoon, I’d love to!"
"Good! Then you get up and shut the window!"

-----------------

Old Saying
=========
IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET HER FREE..
IF SHE COMES BACK, SHE'S YOURS,
IF SHE DOESN'T, SHE NEVER WAS...


The New Versions......

Pessimist
========
If you love someone, Set her free....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was.

Optimist
=======
If you love someone, Set her free....
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious
=========
If you love someone, Set her free....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient
========
If you love someone, Set her free....
If she doesn't come back within some time, forget her.

Patient
======
If you love someone, Set her free....
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back....

Playful
======
If you love someone, Set her free ....
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again,
repeat

C++ Programmer
==============
if (you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Lawyers
=======
If you love someone, Set her free....
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....

Bill Gates
========
If you love someone, Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Statisticians
==========
If you love someone, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, the Weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fans
===================
If you love someone, Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Mathematician
============
If you love someone, Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanuts!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.

Nowadays' Style
=============
If You Love Someone...
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SHOULD YOU SET HER FREE???

CARELESS IDIOT !!!

Hey good one! :)

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

sooo funny, thanks for the laughs Prasun.

Enjoy !!
Evening dose of laughter.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, "I do".

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up...and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??..What was that?" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man!"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying , "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big
unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outifts. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewelry dept, where she picked up a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you....she was soooo excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me,
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it".
Her face just went completely blank, as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile............You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shoppoing needs as a woman".
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either......

Funny stuff! :))

Your 'bad' day turning out to be 'good' it seems :)

Cheers!

Enjoyed your evening dose of laughter!

Have to go to a party tonight.This will help me keep a genuine smile on my face instead of the plastic one I usually wear when I am in one of these places :)

Indeed Shubhosree

My bad day is turning out to be a good one.
Might just come to Delhi next week to attend a close pal's wedding ! Leave granted :-)

Hey Sunrise

Enjoy your party !!

Hey thats wonderful! Hope you remember you have a concert due!! (just kidding :)). But if you do manage to find some time out of the hectic wedding schedule, it would be nice to meet up. So feel free to contact us if and when you get the time.

Hey Shubhosree

Thanks a ton for the invitation.
Pleasure's all mine !

Meeting you all is high on my agenda.

Will definitely make it a point to meet up ! (i.e provided i can make it to delhi in the first place)

Good one Prasun! :))