Shubhz what a comprehensive, witty and informative article. Took me straight back to my childhood. Watching movies with my parents and wanting to die when a kissing scene came on the screen....there wasnt much more in those days. Its interesting though how the lewd hindi movie dances never brought about that same reaction. I guess what was suggestive but not obvious was palatable:-)

love
anusheh

Shubhosree,

What a great topic! Its something that parents and kids face everyday. TV has become sexually very explicit. Though there is nothing wrong with that as long as it projects healthy sexuality.

There was this lovely series of ads that used to come till a few days back (perhaps it still comes) where the mother/father turns up the TV volume when an ad on AIDS and sexual beahviour is being aired so that the son/daughter can hear.

I've seen so many times parents switch channels when sanitary napkin ads come up to avoid questions from their kids. But what they don't realise is that this is one of the best opportunities to start teaching their kids about female sexuality.

Dear Shubhosree,

great post.my memories of adventures in front of the television are very less because when I was a kid the only time scenes used to pop up where when we viewed movies on the VCR.

that time, there was no channel changing.....only switching off the TV by the elders. :)

It reminds me of a joke I heard in the Great Indian Laughter Challenge,

A young boy and his dad will be watching the TV when a sexually explicit scene comes...the father starts squirming in the seat but the young boy keeps watching. The father feels a little embarrassed and leaves the TV room when after sometime the young boy comes out and says

"Dad you can come in now...the scene is over!!!" :)

Amen to that.

nice post shubhosree....guess it hastened the advent of the multi-television concepts within households...

Good Morning everyone!

Dear Anusheh,

Thanks for appreciating the piece. And the last line you wrote, made me realise something, that, we feel like wanting to die (as you rightly said) when even a kissing scene would come on, but if you notice, the "in your face' item numbers dont really have the same effect. At best, we just give it a yawn and say "God! another one!". I guess we are getting immune to seeing scantily clad girls doing vulgar dance steps. Quite sad!

Dear Annie,

I am glad you liked the piece. Yeah, I chose to write about this topic as I figured that its a very common thing in Indian households and it needs to be brought up and talked about. If the blog can help us in doing that, great! And yeah, I remember the HIV ad. Very well thought out and executed. Wish we could have more of those ads in the future replacing the crude and mindless ones!

Dear Aachi,

Thats true, I too remember watching more of VCR back in my childhood (as it seemed to be far more attractive than 'Krishi Darshan' on Doordarshan :) ).

Dear Sundar,

Thanks. You are right about the multi tele concept. But I wonder how helpful will that be in shaping a child's sexuality if there is no monitoring of the kind of channels that he/she watches. one would have to restrict the channels on their tv in that case.

well shubosree, dunno how many parents are really focussed on nurturing their child's sexuality...multi-tv concept is more to address embarassment for themselves!!!guess, if tv watching has to be controlled , it has to be kept totally off...your shared statistics indicate that and they are quite dated...krishi darshan and sanskar and aastha may be allowed!!
feel it may be a very difficult call at that...

Shubhosree,

You have done it again! Your articles really make me sit up and think about love, relationships, what we miss out or must include in parenting.

Your'e right we really need to start making efforts to address this issue. The solution can't lie in switching off the channel, either party walking out of the room or being numb to the whole thing. Especially today when satellite channels are playing in our households 24 x 7.

Your post reminded me of an incident that happened in my house long time back. I was watching a really great English film (can't remember the name)by myself. My parents were dojng their respective work. Just as a scene showing the protagonists in an intimate love scene came up by Dad happened to walk into the room. He got embarrased and walked out. I said to myself "Darn it why did he have to come in right at this moment!"
I saw from the corner of my eyes that he was whispering something to my mom and mom trying to expalin him something. Later I asked her what was it that dad seemed to agitated about (not that I didn't know ;)) She told me he was concerned that I was watching 'bad' things. My mom responded to him by saying that don't worry I keep an eye on what she is watching.

Parents need to be tactful while keeping a watch on their kids and like Shubhosree has said Communication needs to be there.

Here's another instance: When the Kaanta laga song came up there was a lot of Hulla bulla about it. We had a young girl staying with us in those days who was into watching these remixes. So my mom decided to first watch it and see what was the hulla bulla about. After seeing it she told her "They have messed up the whole song and the sensuousnes of it. You must see the original one done by Asha Parekh."

Parents need to drive away attention of kids not from sex but from unhealthy sexual contents.

Sundar and Chaitali,

I would have to agree with Chaitali here that switching the TV off isnt really the answer. It is only going to supress the issue further more. And thats exactly what we are trying to avoid here. As I said in my piece too that parents need to be able to TALK to their kids when such scenes do come up. And Chaitali has given a great example of how to do that (the Kaanta laga incident). We as adults need to move use opportunities like these to help children see the difference between a healthy and a messed up sexuality.

Thanks for sharing those incidents Chaitali.

Shubz

On a slightly more compassionate tone for parents I have to say I do not envy them having to face what T.V brings home in this global media madness. Having had few, if none of the spaces, that the young demand or take for granted I guess they really end up feeling like the cat got their tongue everytime sex waves its frontal view in there face. Not to mention the cheeky, out-there questions that the young are infamous for throwing at one. I often wonder if I had been a parent in these times would I always find the right words, manner etc to tell it like I should? I have to admit the thought is daunting.

Dear jasjit,

I totally agree with you. It is indeed a very difficult job to be a parent and I completely understand their predicament (as I have mentioned in my piece too) and believe me, all my sympathies are with them. And honestly speaking, I too have no idea how I am going to handle such situations when the time comes! But I do know one thing for sure, I will not shove it under the table and make myself, the kids and everyone else around want to kill themselves! As I have professed in my piece, I shall talk about it (at least I will always make a sincere effort) without any judgements and discomfort.

May God grant me the strength and wisdom :)

to be a parent is a gr8 sadhana...the scriptures mention that being a good parent leads to phenomenal spiritual elevations..can't agree more...

great piece shubhosree...we can all remember such instances from our childhood...

but what is interesting in such discussions about the media is that we are in a time of explosion and change and backlash at the same time... the prudish rightwinger uses this as 'evidence' of all that is morally wrong in india, often there is a case being made for more conservative values all around ... as with working women and nuclear families and the 'negative' effects on children (anyone read today's DNA's 'speak-up' piece on page 2? a woman subtly making a case against women working because of how terrible it is for 'poor' kids who have to be alone at home after school).... personally i think its a relief that there is more sex on TV - show me one rightwinger who doesnt enjoy his daily remix video and i'll change my name... some old hypocrises are weakening - and making place for new ones i guess...i see it all as an evolution eventually seeking some sort of balance...though maybe not in our lifetimes!

Great post Annie

It is true that T.V. can make you couch potatoes,but as pointed out by you there are learnings on T.V. too.

As a parent of a shy soon to be teenager child,i am a very open mother and she has a very relaxed father too. But she feels awkward talking to me, inspite of it. Television helps, as when we sit together she gets curious about things and she then opens up and asks questions.

great observation Annie

Hey Madhavi,

Welcome to the blog! Good to know that you and your daughter share such a healthy relationship. Yes the sexual content shown on T.V., can be a blessing in disguise if one is looking for that perfect opportunity when one can bring up a topic like sex, without sounding forced. Its really upto us adults how we use the situation - do we run away from it or turn it around and use it fruitfully like Annie's mom did.

Hope we have more and more parents opening upto their children like you :)

Shubhosree, thats an important point you have brought up. and what you say is right that we parents need to keep an open channel of communication with our children. but you know its really very difficult sometimes when they ask something really embarassing. you just dont know how best to answer without giving them any wrong impressions about anything. it is very difficult.

thank you jasjit for your compassion towards us.

Great piece. My wife and I have already begun chatting about all the different issues we need to make our kids aware of. I tell you it seems that bringing up children now has really become a complex and stressful job.

Also whereas I think its still going to be easier to communicate with girls about lots of stuff Ive told my wife that if we have a son, she is talking to him!

Hey Venkat!

Good to know that Radhika and you are talking about this stuff already. But hey, this is quite unusual that you would be more comfortable talking with your daughter rather than your son. Usually a father and son are more open about this with each other. Ever thought about why is it so?

And what about Radhika? Is she more comforable talking about it with her son than her daughter?

would love to know her take on it too :)

Hi Shubhosree,

Few days back a close friend of mine Neha Kaul (u know her i suppose) told me about this blog and asked me go through your articles.. and boy did i like it...it was so to say an Aha experience !!
At one go I read all of them and must say was tempted to post a feedback immediately...however given the high quality interactions that I have been witnessing in the blog I was kinda unsure as to how I can add value to this forum..coz just posting something for the sake of it would have been a sacrilege..
However I thought the least I can do is to congratulate you and other contributors..Its indeed been a fascinating read..each article and every comment..it compels you to introspect and TRY…i.e Think & Raise Yourself (TRY)..
About your articles well I must say each of them has its special appeal and they all relate to something which all of us keep thinking about..you seem to strike all the right chords !!! Kudos…way to go.

Prasun

Dear Prasun,

Hi and welcome to the blog! Yep, Neha is a dear friend of mine too and she had mentioned your name (you were supposed to come to her wedding, which you couldnt manage finally) :)

Thanks a lot for the kind words and I am glad you enjoyed reading the blog. And hey, we welcome all views and perspectives, so feel free to share yours!

Cheers!

ps: This blog is indeed an attempt to TRY. Well put!

Dear Prasun

Welcome to the blog. Am really sorry that you've got the impression that this blog is only for a select few who are able to use a certain kind of language. Not at all our intent. Please do participate. We would love to hear your views.

Best wishes
Anusheh

Dear Shubhosree & Anusheh
Thanks a lot.
I already feel part of this blog.
Was going through the section “Our Intent” in the blog.
Well we all have been through lots of experiences in life and each of them have a role in shaping up the person that we are today.
Sharing them in such a space and listening to other’s honest take on them , at times gives you a perspective which may be, you never thought existed in the first place.
The most striking feature which I observe in the world around me today is that I find people very confused . Confused about each and everything ; be it their work life, their relationships, their sexuality , their desires, and what not the list goes on. I somehow feel most of us don’t know what we want in/from life !! I often hear my friends saying “I hate my job but can’t just give it up” , “I don’t want an arranged marriage !! Why ?? I don’t know..may be coz that’s-not-cool” etc . The genesis of all this is “Not knowing Who I am”. No amount of education can help you address these issues. The answers have to come from within. And when I talk about meditation , introspection amongst other things as the way out I am being billed as a Spiritual person. Well no probs , but the only issue is that they don’t know what Spirituality is ?? For them Spirituality = Religious !!! what a tragedy !! Its just like equating sex with sexuality which has been put beautifully in the “Our Intent” section with the analogy of words & language! I mention about these confusions because they shape our attitudes. Apropos two articles on the blog “The Lonely girl” and “The Virgin and the whore”. Kudos to Shubhosree & Anusheh. You have hit bull’s eye. They epitomize the stereotypes existing in today’s world. And whats more these stereotypes are as pronounced in a B-school campus (where it doesn’t take much time for a girl to be labeled as an “easy-lay” just because she is confident of her sexuality and makes no bones about it) as they maybe in a slum. We often think that education is the panacea for all that ails..But is it really so ? Maybe yes but the problem is that being educated and being literate are two totally different things. No prizes for guessing what our present system is aiming at. What else can explain the fact that many of the so-called highly educated (or literate should I say) guys don’t mind accepting dowry even if they have love marriages !! Education doesn’t warrant such acts !!
As a practicing manager and otherwise also we are always asked to look for solutions rather delve into the problems (Half Filled Glass). I often wonder what is the way out???
Finally I would like to submit that I am not very sure as to whether what I just wrote made much sense , coz I am not very good at framing coherent sentences, but well that’s how this silly mind works !!
Cheers
Prasun

Hi there Prasun!

Good to see you back on the blog and yes your writing is absolutely intelligible and your wisdom is integral to the blog as well :)

I couldnt agree with you more on all the issues that you brought up - confusion eating people up, spiritual and religious being used synonymously, education considered to tanatmount to wisdom ...

As far as confused minds are concerned, I think one can go on and on about it and still need a day and a half more! But in a nutshell, I feel the confusion exists largely due to the fact that we are in a stage of transition. Neither are we comepletely carefree and 'out there' nor completely archaic in our way of thinking. So there is a struggle, a war within, to choose MY life, My way and to live it. Like it is with the ABCDs (American Born Confused Desis, as they are called), caught between the 'modern' American culture and a need to hold on to the Indian traditions, just confuses the hell out of the youngsters born abroad. That was about the young. And the old struggle with coping with the change. They are confused if they should support the next generation or not budge from their own belief systems. Tough choice for all!

I guess it requires a resolved mind to have a clear set of priorities in life, the courage of a lion to stand by them and ultimately the wisdom to be happy to accept life as it comes!

Spiritual and Religious - totally understand what you mean. There is a 'look' on their face when I talk to them (primarily refering to the older generation) about Reiki, Meditations, my take on God, Life etc. The 'look' which says, "I dont think she is well. She is so young and yet ..." :). Well, thats how people perceive spirituality, religious and saint like.
To some, I try and explain but to the rest, I leave them with their imaginations!

Education and Wisdom - No connection really. I have always felt that literacy and education (by education I mean academic qualifications) dont quite contribute towards making a wise and nice human being. If that were the case, we would be a much saner world today!

So anyways, Thanks again for appreciating the articles and keep blogging!

Hi Prasun

Thanks. Your writing is perfectly clear and well articulated so yeah it is just the 'silly mind':-)Looking forward to hearing more.

Hi Raahat

It is true that kids do come up with the most embarrassing questions at the most awkward times, but honestly it also works in an amazing way, cause when you are unprepared, you say it the way it is

Here is an anecdote from my daughters toddler days. Right from the day she first asked about THE thing down there, i decided to tell her that it was her "Vagina". I figured that she would learn the slang for the vagina in her own time, in her own world of peers, cousins etc.Also she used to shower with her father, till one day she asked him to turn around in the shower as she could not see his "tail", which, of course, was his Penis.

Shortly after this incident in the shower, we had a friend visiting and we all set off to have a coffee. At the most inopportune moment (at the counter waiting for coffee to be delivered)she turned around and asked our friend "do you have a gina(misprounciation for the vagina)or a tail". Needless to say we all looked at her with some embarrasment and then we all burst into giggles (including some of the clued on patrons of the coffee shop). I guess we could have let it pass, then, but as we sat down for coffee she turned around and asked the same question again as she had not got an answer. This is when i decided to tell her about the two genders and their own special and different body parts.

I guess all i can say is, if possible seize the surprise moment and with a sense of humour turn it into the desired moment of learning for you as well as your child.

Madhavi that is a truly lovely story. I hope other parents read this and sense the comfort and lightness with which you are educating and responding to your daughters being. Wonderful.

That was really funny! Thanks for sharing that. I am sure other 'new born parents' and 'would-be parents' will have much to learn from each other's experiences.

Cheers! :)

What a nice piece of writing. As I ready myself for fatherhood I cannot but think of all the challenges todays modern world poses. Madhavi that was so funny that i was holding both my sides laughing and my secretary came in because she thought I was not ok:-)

Welcome to the blog Gaurav! Nice to know that the blog is helping you. Congratulations to you and your wife for the blessing that has been showered on you. Do share your stories with us as you journey through parenthood. I am sure we can all learn something :)

thats humour and intelligence in everyday lifespaces, madhavi...beautiful...awe and wonder that children demonstrate are so beautiful in comparison to opinionated judgements adults keep passing...the art of learning is best learnt from children, i guess...

Madhavi what a funny & scary story. I really wonder if children are sent as our nemesis. Gawd do I really want mine to grow up?

Shuboshree Venkat has decided that sons should learn the language of emotion and sexual subtlety from their mothers. So this son who we do not have should be reliant on my wisdom. If that time will be I sure hope this blog is around for me to seek help and of course share my howlers.

hi recently-become and would-become parents!

in discussing what we need to do and how we will do it and whether we will do it right or wrong etc etc we have completely ignored the part of the nature or of its scheme of things in the play. while actually what we really do ourselves or with our great intellects is only like the tip of the proverbial iceberg of nature's scheme of things, which on its own produced minerals out of clay, plants out of minerals, animals out of plants and finally man out of animals. we have begun worrying as if the sky is supported solely on our heads. relax! surely nature's scheme of things must be knowing where it is taking us further!

yes, read books, discuss the issues but then leave it at that and dont begin worrying. just wait for the actual time, besides our thinking and learning there is always something of nature or of its scheme of things in that particular moment which will tell us what to say or do at that time. which is why wise men always act in the now. whatever will then be said or done by you take it for sure that it WAS the right thing to do because we know results are never in our hands but in the hands of what many would like to call krishana a la bhagvad gita to what i call the nature's scheme of things.

hope you will like a different perspective and not take it as derailing the discussion.

harb

Lovely perspective Harb! made me smile, the way you put it..thank you, your reminder added to my day of amazing experiences.. of the Play... the fascinating play of nature's scheme of things... right you are...bingo!

ananda anandam!

harbofit, how beautifully you have expressed the fundamental need to trust life and its processes...analysis can more often than not lead to paralysis as we forget to just live by the moment and accept life's offerings in a sacred hue.

sukanya, sunder thank you.

sundar, your observtion reminded me of a 50 or 500 (?) legged worm (caterpillar ?)who was walking efforlessly, but then somebody asked it how it walked with so many legs, how it remembered as to which leg it is to move and so on. when it began thinking to explain the questioner, it simply forgot how to walk...

Good Afternoon everyone!! :)

Harb, Yes living in the NOW is how it should be. Fretting endlessly by letting your imagination go wild is the worst way to torture yourself.

Someone wise said ......

"Remember, Today is the Tomorrow you were worried about Yesterday"

Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday :)

Good afternoon everyone, hi shubhoshree, it is indeed a lovely spring afternoon in nature's scheme of things... well said..fretting is so apt an expression..

Harb, loved the caterpillar story.. smiled again.

Sundar, you explain it so well. To accept every moment in its sacredness.. what a different way to be..

well said shubz! sometimes we just get too lost in the labyrinths of our minds...

thank you, sukanya :)some learned friend like you told this story some years back at some other place...i just passed it on...

harb

Hey Radhika,

Thats a really interesting take that Venkat has! Good luck to the both of you :)

Dear Shubhosree
Was going through an article published in "The Telegraph" (http://telegraphindia.com/1060205/asp/look/story_5801967.asp ) about how 'More and more upper middle class women are making a beeline for helplines and legal aid centres to help them get out of abusive or unhappy marriages' . To a certain extent the underlying spirit of the article refers to the transformation that our society is witnessing and which you also mentioned in “Is It Really about the Other ".
There is no denying that what you mention as the coming-of-age of women or the Realisation that you talk about is indeed widespread .But I wonder whether it is a phenomenon restricted to a select few-the elite, the upper middle class etc ? Are we generalizing the entire thing based on a small sample? I say this considering the sorry state of affairs in India regarding any issue related to women empowerment, where the Women’s Reservation Bill has been just reduced to an electoral issue rather a social cause. I guess you are dealing with these issues a lot in IFSHA , so you will be able to throw some light on it.

Cheers
Prasun

Hey there Prasun!

Thanks for the link. Informative read. And you know what i found most fascinating is the 50 year old woman walking out of her marriage (even if it was after a decade). It doesnt matter how long she took, whats commendable is the courage she showed! Nice to see that older women are open to change inspired by the younger generation and not condemn them without reason.

Also a very interesting point brought out about the live-in relationships. Frankly, live-in relationships are fine so long as it is meant to be a trial period (to take a decision about marriage). But it loses its essence when it is taken on simply as a means to avoid responsibilities.

As for the change being confined to just the elite and upper middle class of the society, well, Prasun, things are changing everywhere, however the pace may be different. Legislations against sexual harassment, girl child campaigns, women's reservation bill etc are all happening. It is far more accessible in the upper and upper middle classes as there is greater awareness and also more options available in every aspect, be it information, technology, economic or financial, education and so on.

So I guess it will still take some time for things to permeate through the highly stratified society as ours but inshallah, it shall happen eventually :). And by the way, IFSHA has been away from the hard core activist work for the past 5 years now. We are now a Healing Center.

and in response to your suggestion about the chat for bloggers, well, may be in the future but as of now, you are most welcome to post on the OPEN THREAD. Thats the thread we have started with the purpose of giving our commentors the opportunity to start a blog of their own. So use it :)