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Marriage - the institution - by Sundar Srinivasan
By - 7:46 AM Saturday 21 January 2006
Marriage is a given in most conventional social and traditional social spaces.For most, we see it as a given slot where one has to fit in.Any digression is seen as abnormal , almost a trauma, which necessitates visits to astrologers and the like to break down barriers towards tying the knot.
As a person, who has chosen to remain single as of this moment, my opinions may possibly be biased, but in this post, I would like to plead for a re-positioning of marriage as an option in lifestyle paradigms, rather than as a necessity.
Marriage has been an ancient social institution, i view it as a very effective administrative convenience in interactive spaces.It has got it's advantages as a mechanism of interface, but I beg to differ on viewing it as a panacea for all individual and social problems as it is often touted to be.And dignity in relationships coming in through marriages is very far from the reality of things.Institutions are not the source of dignity ; self esteem and respect for the other are.
Individual as well as collective manifests of consciousness are evolving rapidly and social institutions are bearing the brunt of it's onslaught.Paradigms are shifting and newer paradigms are evolving.Time-tested institutions also collapse under such pressures.
At such moments, it helps to review the institutions by themselves and arrive at a mature personal perspective in our equations vis-a-vis them.Institutions , by themselves cannot bring in happiness, joy and love to our spaces. They are equally capable of bringing in mechanization, boredom and other dynamics in interactive spaces.
Emotional and other nuances cannot be enforced through rules or ideation...they are just a happening in our realms of being.Marriage mechanisms always face that danger of going into "projected ideation" phases where each partner comes in with his or her views and images on the concept.The probability of such nuances matching to a 't' are very minimal in an ever evolving dynamic of personal space.
Committment phobia is a phrase i encountered elsewhere in this blog.Different people can be committed to different things and these committments may appear at cross-purposes.
I feel some people naturally gravitate towards marriage mechanisms, others do not; and it is purely a matter of personal choices.In a changing dynamic on matters related to economic and other independences,security aspects in personal spaces are getting redefined.So would relating paradigms, a lot of which have their roots in insecurity, administrative and vulnerability paradigms.
Free spaces, in my opinion , can have their own integrity and morality as mutuallly desired.Nothing is taken for granted or emerging from a sense of "duty".And contrary to most perspectives in the matter, freedom is a very responsible state of being.The onus is on oneself, rather than on an institutionalized definition.
Spaces within marriage can incorporate such dynamics if the participants chose so.But then , it does not necessarily need an institution.Institutions are created as a convenience, they should not become burdensome for personal growth.
And it is always a matter of choice whether we use them or bypass them.They come in with their baggage of advantages, but always at a price.Social sanction and acceptance is necessary for some of us, while others are indifferent to it.Systems of education and child rearing have a natural skew towards such institutions, but some of the sharings in this space itself would seek a rethink.Maybe, alternate facilities would evolve as one goes along.on a personal level though, i like the whole web of uncles , aunts, grandparents, cousins etc...add so much colour to our lives.Companionship also seems very attractive in later years of life.
Spiritual perspectives of love and affection are far away from concepts of attachments as dictated by social definitions.Infact,paradoxical as it may seem to some, in most spiritual perspectives, love is a happening in the absence of attachment.I remember Kahlil Gibran mystically espouse; "Your children are not your children.They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.They come through you but not from you....."
I personally like the purushartha concept in Indian spirituality a lot. Here, artha, kama and dharma are woven and webbed intrinsically to an underlying concept of our spiritual evolution and liberation.they are not stand-alone spaces.Irrespective of the presence or absence of institutions, sacredness is a natural happening in this connectedness and in my opinion, that enriches life tremendously.Choices of same-sex relating also fit in comfortably in such a context.
Institutions, at the most can bring in a projected sacredness,which always have danger of collapsing.Personal integrity brings in a natural and spontaneous sacredness to spaces we fill up.
Can be the topic of an interesting dialogue, as we evolve our own perspectives on the matter from our personal cores.....
in lighter vein....
A massively built woman strode into the registrar's office, slamming the door shut behind her.
"Did you or did you not issue this license for me to marry Harry Potter?" she said, slamming the document on the table.
The registrar inspected the document closely through his thick glasses."Yes, ma'am, I believe I did. Why?"
"Because,"said the woman, he's escaped. What are you going to do about it?"
Posted By - 7:46 AM Saturday 21 January 2006
Comments
tx harb, wud ck that site out...
Posted by on January 21, 2006 12:42 PM
Sundar,
a very thought provoking post.
marraige as an instituition is a conditioning that is thrust upon us since our very childhood. the hypocrisy in it ( the divorce, dowry deaths ) etc are added too late into our perception.
I dont have any thing against marraige. I am in my twenties and am not married, but if you ask me whether i would like to...then i must say...I dont know. ...sometimes it looks a wonderful and sometimes absolutely terrifying.
It is an individual choice I think...a choice many of us are making more strongly in contemporary times.
I would second harb when he says that it depends on the times of our life...one day it may be an absolutley beautiful idea...another day it might not.
Posted by
tx for that perspective , aachi...i guewss conflicts manifest or resolve themselves in spaces within....sadly, a lot of people are unconscious, unaware of the simmering conflicts within in every aspect of our lives...we hurry to force solutions in external spaces....often merely a cosmetic contra-positioning... reactionary act...which is equally harmful...to em, it has helped to look at teh nature of conflict itself and its emergence rather than on the content....
Posted by on January 22, 2006 08:22 AM
dear sundar,
marriage has been put into a mould by our anscestors.everyone expects so much out of a marriage ..it is supposed to drive out loneliness,misery and everything else..at least in India,wen ever someone is goin thru tough time and is single is advised to get married and become well..
all the gay and lesbian commities r suffering everywhere in the world becoz we hav conditioned ourselves so badly..
our enlightment lies in our own hands and we r all alone if we r married or not...
Posted by
tx preethi, i like the universality of express...
Sangeeta, ur insights are beautiful, both about your personal life spaces and about the mahabharat...enjoyed reading them...tx...
sukanya....centering in the cores of our being, to me, has always been the key, irrespective of gender hues...and to me, draupadi shows a remarkable centering ability..she is a fascinating eg of an "individual", an inspiration for men and women alike...i feel when we are centered and relate to events in life from there, all the forces of creation are on standby for us...we receive unexpected supports,seeming miracles happen and so much more...taking responsibility for ourselves in a personal communication with the divine is a moment of unlimited potentials for every human...the personal aspect of our linkage with our cores, the divine within us is very critical as different from from a conceptual or traditional connect which seems to characterize most non-centred initiatives...
a pov from my spaces...tx for your perspective shares...gr8 reading as always...
Posted by on January 23, 2006 06:58 AM
Liked ur post
Posted by
tx for dropping by, seema..
Posted by on January 24, 2006 07:16 PM
You have indeed taken up some good points to ponder over on Marriage as an institution. Compliments.
This makes me keen on thinking of a comparison between the words 'Institution' and 'Alliance' though. The latter seems to make one think of it in a more subtle, friendlier way. The former, however, seems more formal and full of burdens & ideals & rules & so on ...
Does this sound a bit biased already? ... would appreciate if you could make it un-biased for me.
I hope I'm clear in my expression. Just an effort to clarify myself with your help.
Will check back soon. Thanks.
Posted by
tx for ur response aham....i agree with your perspective on alliances being more friendlier...personally, i feel the need for space shares to be non-intrusive and non-abusive either way...while not implying it cannot happen in institutionalized spaces, i feel it requires a high degree of evolution in personal spaces...to empathize with another's need for spaces in a recognition of our own...i feel institutions have a tendency towards crossing the line in taking the other for granted and consequently trampling spaces...it would be great if partners are friends and respect and acccept each other as friends....to me, friendship is the supremest form of relating as it is unconditional and spontananeous, not duty bound,it is accepting in a friendly sort of manner rather than being condemning and judgemental....it is supportive in hours of need rather than being invasive and so on....i feel any 2 people who spend enormous amounts of time with each other can get on each others nerves...and we have to look at relationship spaces as one part of life , albeit as a very important one, rather than as the only one...somehow, the abnormal and skewed focus on marriage is what i tend to q...to the marginalisation of so much else...
i mourn the unconscious killing of so many dreams which are insensitively and indiscriminately sacrificed at the altar of institutions...more often than not...
and in do not deny that marriages also nourish enrching growth spaces....but they seem to be more the exception than the norm...
Posted by on January 25, 2006 07:13 AM
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The main thing is kundalini. Do you know who is addyashakti mahamaya and her relationship with muladhara chakra?? Do you ... -
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how you see the it depends on that the spirituality would like to know more about this subject -
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Dear Aachi, Thanks, found the book but haven't any idea how to order it from them, because it is only ... -
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Aachi, please write at the following email address: harb_singh@yahoo.com
sundar, well written and thoughtful piece.
like everything else in nature, marriage has its plus points and its minus points.
the plus point is that it can take care of the flooding desire of sex at a certain stage in our life, especially when we are a bit immature, and moreover, given that were we to satisfy that desire outside of marriage it will take months and years to make the other partner ready, not to talk of further taking care of so much of adverse societal pressure.
in making the other partner ready sometimes the repressed internal and external social fears come into play which hinder the process but, of late, sometimes just egos come as the villians. you want to but you find yourself unable to put away the egos. perhaps some such things are better taken care of in forcible bonding together which really marrige is.
and an other plus point arises out of this forcible bonding together. you no doubt suffer but then you begin asking questions because of this suffering and thus you evovle from being a mere emotional creature to be a rational or intellectul one.
the minus point to me only arises if you find the possibility of getting killed in the forcible bonding rather than having some space for evolving. then it may be better for you to come out. suffering is good to a certain extent but not beyond.
there is an other view point according to my book according to whih there are times and Ages in which people will marry and times and Ages when they will go beyond it as a whole, or when the institution will come to a stop.
btw, i just found an interesting site www.torreao.com. you may like visitng it a bit. just click on the right flag for an english version.