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Is Our Generosity Needy?
By Anusheh Hussain - 11:55 AM Monday 27 February 2006
“Sometimes our generosity is more of an imposition than a gift” says Osho and I couldn’t agree more.
As a case in point he tells a story.
“I used to stay in the house of one of the richest men in the world, Sohanlal Dugar. He was a rare man and just because of his rarity he fell in love with me. Jaipur was his home, but his business was in Calcutta. So most of the time he used to live in Calcutta and for a few days in his home in Jaipur.
I was speaking in Jaipur and as I finished, an old man with a great turban – I could not think that this man was one of the richest men in the world – gave me a bundle of 100 rupee notes.
I said, “What are you doing?”
He said, “I want to offer this to you.”
I said, “But I don’t need it. If sometimes I need….just give me your address.”
He said, “I will give you my address on the condition that you accept this money.”
I said, “But I have never accepted money from anybody.”
When I was saying this tears started coming to the eyes of the old man. He said, “I don’t know how to give love except by giving money. If you reject my money, you are rejecting me and my heart, and I will never forgive you. You can take it and burn it – that is not my concern – but don’t reject it.”
And that’s exactly what I did. I took it from his hands – it must have been ten thousand rupees – and burned it then and there. And he was very happy. He said “You have followed your principle, I have followed my principle, we both are happy. Remember, whenever you come to Calcutta, you have to be my guest.”
So after that, for almost ten years I used to be his guest three or four times a year. His whole house was air conditioned, but he would sit with me at the dining table with a small bamboo hand fan. I would be eating and he would be moving the bamboo fan.
I told him, “What are you doing? You know perfectly well that the house is absolutely air conditioned; there is not even a single mosquito here. It is so clean. There is no need.”
He said, “But it’s traditional for the host to sit and fan the guest while he is eating.”
I said, “It may be traditional, but in these conditions it is becoming stupid. You know and I know that it is just an old habit.”
As humorous as this story is, it is a poignant reminder of how even the ways in which we give, often stems from our own needs and has nothing to do with the other. Under such conditions giving is nothing less than an ugly ‘imposition’ of the needy self. An entirely selfish act which contributes nothing of real value to the other. The point is that most of us don’t know how to share and perhaps a whole lot of us therefore don’t have anything to share.
Personally I have been in many situations where I have gently tried to refuse a particular gift, even going so far as to say that it is not of interest to me, but the other has been adamant to give it to me, stubbornly refusing to listen to a word. I have been in other situations where people have tried to gift me their half used and worn out items and I have been truly shocked at how this kind of basic disrespect goes unnoticed by them. No doubt the wave of need consumes even basic sensibilities.
Giving is an art, just as receiving is. And if you don’t know how to give you cannot know how to receive because both are inextricably linked to each other.
Posted By Anusheh Hussain - 11:55 AM Monday 27 February 2006
Comments
Dear Anusheh,
How true!! Giving indeed is an art!
When we talk about giving, I see it as having a much larger scope than just gifts. Even giving compliments rather effusively or serving food to a guest that spills out of the plate (just taking the concept of "Atithi Devo Bhava" a little too far) are also nothing but examples of 'giving' out of neediness. I mean why else would someone who is being told vehemently that another morsel and he/she would just burst, insist on another helping!! Why turn it into a traumatic experience?
Speaking from my understanding, I think most of the times, it stems from a very low self esteem that urges a person to idolize the other, hoping to receive few drops of love and attention in return. It has a "Look at me!!" feel to it, which is actually quite sad. But then one cant go around sermonizing to the host. At best, we can try and understand where they are coming from, be patient and refuse as nicely as we can. :-)
Posted by
Hi Anusheh
"..the ways in which we give, often stems from our own needs and has nothing to do with the other.." Well said.
Many a times "Giving" is just a way to rid oneself of guilt.People do it just so that "God doesn't get angry for my wrong-deeds"..and so what i do ??? "I bribe GOD" and name it as "Giving back to the society"
Another pertinent factor is knowing "What to give"..A child seeks love and his/her parents give him loads of expensive toys instead.And later on exclaim "We have given u so much" (unfortunately not what was needed)
Sad
Posted by
Hey Prasun,
I think that even in case of parents loading their kids with material gifts (toys and stuff), they are actually trying to rid themselves of the guilt for not spending enough quality time with them.
Posted by
Dear Anusheh
After reading this piece I thought deeply and found truely, 'giving' is only satisfying ourselves.
In any special situation, if 'this giving' exactly fits in the gap of somebody's need, probably it becomes real ARTISTIC!!!
Love
Buas
Posted by
Dear Buas, Prasun and Shubhz
Thanks. Shubhz I couldnt agree with you more. Its not just material gifts, its a whole range of other stuff.
Prasun, it is sad. Most of the time our giving is out of guilt for not giving what we should. Indeed ironic.
Buas,
Couldnt agree more. There is a saying of the Prophet Muhammad..one of my favourites..."when you give something to someone let even your left hand not know that your right hand has given."
Posted by
Anusheh,
That was indeed a humourous story. True. I have often seen that even a very expensive gift does not touch your heart because somehow the gift reflects that the person gave it to you because he/she wanted to prove a point.
Shubhosree I can totally relate to what you are saying. Being a bengali I have often seen in many bengali households the host/hostess filling up the plate of the guest despite their vehement protests. Probably it's a way to tell the guest 'You come back again and I'm going to stuff you even more!' Indeed a traumatic experience!
Posted by
Dear Anusheh,
I think the true test of a a good gift is when you outwardly refuse it but in the inside would love to have it, not only because it is something you like, but you also can relate to the emotion of the person giving it.
and obviously the best gift is that which is exchanged by people who are dear to each other.
:)
Posted by
Came across this small story which i felt is a bit related to what we all discussed here about the Art of Giving
"An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because
your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love,
Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from here."
Moral:
No Matter Where You Are In The World, If You Have Decided To Do Something Deep From Your Heart You Can Do It. It Is The Thought That Matters Not Where You Are Or Where The Person Is
Posted by
Dear Prasun
That was a lovely story. Indeed the power of giving transcends time.
Posted by
Great reminder Anusheh
Like most things in our life we give as little thought to giving as we do to receiving. Though it is interesting how much we focus on what we do not get, how it is never quite 'right'/ enough/lacking and rarely wonder why we place so little thought on what we give. From our speech to the lack of generosity of our thoughts, love, material gifts all are symptomatic of the same 'meaness' of spirit. And it never ceases to amaze me that those who are the least 'giving' also have the greatest focus on how they never get what they want. True! both giving and receiving are mirrors of the same emotion.
Posted by
Dear Anusheh,
just wanted to say hi. :)
lots of love
Posted by
Good morning Aachi Pal
How are you? Sorry I havent been very regular on the blog but my dad is visiting (come to India after nearly 60 years) and so I am trying to show him as much as I can. Will be back full force in a couple of days:)
lots of love
Posted by
Hey Anusheh:
"Giving is an art, just as receiving is. And if you don’t know how to give you cannot know how to receive because both are inextricably linked to each other".
Really profound & pretty straight forward. And re-confirmed beautifully by Jasjit & Shubhosree.
I initially mistook this title as 'Is our generosity needed?". , I see that giving is more about one's own 'need' than is 'needed' by the 'other'.
At times people get so overwhelmed with their own life-style / thoughts / work that they forget to see other's POV's even when they give / help.
Like that saying - "when you give something to someone let even your left hand not know that your right hand has given".
Good Morning everyone !! & Have a great Day :)
Posted by
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oh yes!
It really makes me angry when people try giving something without even asking of having the need of that thing & not even that, later they want you to feel obliged too.
Funny !! ; - )
hmmm!
But who cares!
Let them make fool out of themselves. ; - )
Cheers, Rohit