either act or sit in the center with krishna-consciousness in the mind and let the e and t act out their plays with/around you.

e and t eventually go back down to our genetic make-ups and even beyond. we as divine got entangled into them and we are to get disentangled from them and regain our krishna-consciousness once again. this is our whole game of life.

there really is nothing to worry at the end. this whole 'course to freedom' as i call it will have to be borne out, there are no short cuts in it.

getting into harmonic treatments of e and t alike is like trying to give life to something from which in fact our times to outgrow in a particular cycle has come.

in the cyclical yin/yang-like game of life those people who are on the white side (left half) such as women in general, west in the case of west/east, those on white sides further within them, even men who are yet more on the women side from within, either as in the present individual life such as young people are or in their whole evolutionary lives which spans many such individual lives, all, will face more difficulty in the process of their reducing of e, while the opposite will face more difficulty in the reducing of their t.

in a way this process is as natural though as difficult as well as our going from youth to middle age in our individual lives, that is, from end thirties to 40s and beyond. as here so at greater and greater cycles.

either surrender to your divine self or krishna-consciousness or enquire and know that you yourself are divine or krishna-consciounsess, and then let the things happen around/with you in all acceptance and understanding.

beyond 60s both females and males are almost equal - so if some are destined to go to aged homes they will go irrespective of whether they are men or women.

all our efforts should tend towards trying to becomes witnesses to all these changes rather than losing ourselves into them, which is really only an other way of saying not to be effected by them as far as possible.

nothing in the above is written in favour of one supposed aspect of reality at the cost of the other, if it seems to be so in some way it could only be either because of oversight by the writer of this piece or because of misunderstanding of any of its contents by the reader.

ananda anandam!

informative post again...tx....
guess there is a need for such sharings even in regional media...which more contemporary women and men would access...for information to be available to people even as they go through their crises in ignorances....

harb...the big picture...

Hey Jasjit and Chaitali,

nice post. i was just thinking .......

if we look at the bollywood actresses, as soon as they are married or cross 30, whichever is earlier, she is automatically looked upon as old, thing of the past, basically not a hot babe any more. but if we see in the west, actresses continue to play lead roles of lovers (with explicit sex scenes) even after crossing their middle age, say like, Susan Sarandon, Julianne Moore or even Julia Roberts (who isnt so young anymore, i think in her late thirties).

so what does that mean? people in the west are still willing to see these actresses the same way, irrespective of their age or marital status? directors are still willing to take them on in lead roles? unlike in india, where the directors only offer them roles of elder sisters or mothers and the general masses reject her as well. i feel really bad for these actresses.

not sure if it relates to the piece but just something that crossed my mind and i thought i will share it and hope to get some answers here.

thanks!

Hello All

Harb
The big picture is indeed about Krishna consciousness but I think even for people who lean towards or 'understand' the big picture traversing the smaller streams to get there continues to be a challenge. The constant play of diving into the micro to unveil another facet of the macro.

Sundar
regional languages do so need these pieces because frankly all this 'high-minded' talk is available only to the English elite. And if that is not creating a divide of elite and masses what is? We have a plan to offer the blog in at least Hindi by summer. Let's see how we manage it technologically

Shrek
Great question! The celluloid scren both reflects and reaffirms the cultural strains at play. In the west women are more 'sexually active' in dating, remarrying and 'relationships' well into their sixties. The film roles therefore reflect and meet the needs of those audiences. In India she is seen as 'sexually dead' once she hits forty, our films reflect that reality. Though of course there is an added aspect of her waning if she marries or has babies and once she crosses thirty her 'market' is very suspect. Only because if you look carefully bollywood doesn't really have any 'roles' for women outside of nubile, hip-swinging 'babes'.
Having said that the change is slow but subtle. Kajol will return to popular demand despite her baby etc, Shabana continues to create an autonomous persona getting scripts to play myriad roles. As cinema is expanding to delve into more complex human reality in Bollywood, the change is visible.

Fascinating article Jasjit and Chaitali. What a unique perspective you bring to menopause. I found the cross culture studies really interesting. If you think of it actually it makes perfect sense. Since the body responds to our emotional/intellectual/spiritual states why should it be any different for E, T and the symptoms they bring about....of course they will be as varied and unique as the persons that we are.

As we in South Asia begin to emulate the west I do hope that we have the wisdom not to do it blindly. Perhaps one should be thankful that the majority of us live far away from western notions and ideals. This is not to deny that there are many positive things to learn from that culture too.

i feel blog itself maybe a very limited outreach to the masses , jasjit...maybe, all editors of regional magazines should be invited to visit this space...with an offer of articles for their print spaces...i guess most editors are computer savvy these days...a kind of percolation effect...The INS HQ should be able to give a database with email ids...just a suggestion...

jasjit, no doubt about it. deeper you go into things the greater the challenge, more so, as the things beyond a certain depth just go latent into your own beings.

you have to discover/chase them in your own beings/minds to 'traverse' them.

the only use of the understanding is that while passing through this 'bhavsagar' of a world you do not get overly lost because you know where you are going. it is like swimming in a ocean, with those who understand having got hold of a rope anchored to the shore while others do not have. the others then can either follow them or have every chance of getting into difficult waters, into eddies and whirlpools...getting overly discouraged many a times in the process if not altogether lost.

right from jesus, socrates down to our own gurus history is full of the sufferings of the 'knowers' of the scheme. the saying "the world never forgives a genius" also comes under this very category.

sorry to diverting the attention from the issue in hand though, will keep this in mind in future.

btw, sundar's suggestion may be worth persuing...in fact an idea cam to my mind that you may think of starting your own magazine...with the kind of learned essays you, chaitali, subhosree, anusheh, maya write here i dont think there will be dearth of written material, think here rather they go waste in a way. i feel they are of far greater and serious standard than of usual blogs such as at intentblog. i feel for many of them when they are getting relegated to the archives...i dont know your work in depth, how much and in which way you devote your time/money to it...so like sundar it is just a suggestion.

Hi guys! What a truly wonderful perspective you bring to such a central experience. I feel like everything has fallen into place. Its a pity this blog does not reach the multitudes because Ifsha is surely equipped with a perspective that can change many fundamental ways of both viewing and experiencing life. Perhaps this is what your concept of healing is Jasjit. I know for Venkat and me some of the pieces have really shifted some things for the better. Thanx :-]

The E thing is so totally wholistic. To share a story I have two aunts, one moved abroad, high achiever and made it to the top. She married but chose not to have children. Her sister married, lives in a small town here, had 3 kids and was everyone's favourite maternal figure. Aunt America had such chronic menopausal trauma we had to bring her here to 'heal' fearing she may end up either neurotic or with cancer.
Aunt India would scoff her saying you are only suffering from US itis. For she swore she did not even notice when her menopause happened. Surrounded by adoring children, grandchildren, neighbours, even old students [she was a teacher] her love just continued to expand. It came to me in a flash, that their bodies were echng the truth of their lives Dot on you guys. I'm posting your pieces to every menopausal woman I know.
Great work!

Chaitali & Jasjit,

Once again you guys have poured in so much in an understandable format.
A lot more to learn about the intricacies & vastness of the subject.

Best wishes.

Sundar & Harb

Good ideas! We are however wanting to wait for at least few months before we start liason with the larger press media.We will be two months old on Feb 6th and right now much is needed in ways of increasing the blog's base, both of writers and commentors. We need to reach an even keel with management of this blog before we begin expansion. As for the idea of a magazine, its too expensive and the print media has lost its edge in the market after the electronic media took over. It makes it very expensive and competitive.

We have some other ideas right now on mainstreaming some of the stuff here but its all early days.

Harb I'm not sure about the suffering of 'knowers'. I think I see it as a great liberation from confusion, duality and agendas. One is a doer within the scheme of things and not outside the scheme of things. To be clear about both frees one of many, many things. As long one is clear about one's own direction the rest is incidental, just a joyous game of being allowed to participate in the wonder called life.

Thank You Radhika for your warm words. There is something I would like to share. Actually it was in writing and contemplating this issue that this perspective suddenly unfolded. And reading your comment triggered another thought. My mother had a hysterectomy at 44 after which she went abroad for a few years. I was at University and my father was preoccupied with work. The stark change in environment/culture, additional housework, adjustment struggles etc must have taken their toll on her. She began this weird hot/cold flushes, depression, moodiness, cranky outburts kind of stuff and the doctor there said it was hormonal. In those days HRT was hardly recommended (not enough testing) but he prescribed some and even though at one level it allayed the unease she generally looked 'unhappy'. We sent her to India for a long holiday and she returned glowing sans symptoms. But as soon as she hit Canada, it all came back. Luckily we all moved back shortly after and in retrospect I just realized that she never displayed any symptoms here.

She is now 75 and we lost my father 15 years ago. Even though she felt intensely lonely and lost in the beginning she has manged to create a fairly constructive routine for herself(still drives in Delhi). A few years ago I became a little impatient with how she 'extended' herself for guests and family and tried to bar her from running the house asking her to just chill and do her own thing. She nearly went nuts. It's only then I realized how important it is for her to do what makes her feel 'relevant'. So she still runs the house, drives, shops and manages all kinds of things. She loves the attention of the family as the 'elder' and is always centrestage at weddings etc. Even when it tires her I let it be, knowing that it keeps her warmed at many other levels. Her friends, especially their daughters-in-law etc love to come to her for advise etc and I just watch how that fills her needs to be loved/valued and love. I have had to carefully balance her needs against my anxieties and protective instincts to ensure that her fragility and ageing does not lead to fear and panic. It's a delicate balance but one which can be achieved with some receptivity and care.
Perhaps these T and E articles can make many more people understand what ageing men and women in our lives are facing and how to take that extra step to fill the gap. Just that consciousness can perhaps reduce much of their panic and fear of isolation.
:-)

jasjit, yes, now you describe it better. they may just be doing that also in the same way what to others looks challenging.

God! Jasjit, Chaitali its so true what you have written. My mom and her sis are almost of the same age and both of them enered in to their menopause phase roughly at the same time. My mom had acute symptoms of menopause whereas my aunt hardly had any symptoms. At that time we thought it could be probable becuase not every body goes through the same symptoms. But now when I think about it I see a totally different picture. My aunt lives in a suburban town in Assam which is also her birth place. So most of the people around are those with who she has grown up. Through out the day she has her neighbours comin and goin out of the house. My aunt is always sought for advice, help. Even though her kids were growin she was not left feeling alone or lonely because she had others to attend to. My mom on the other hand did not have all this. Living in Delhi city as we all know is quite different. Here my mom was most of the time busy with her children and her husband. When she was going through her menopausal phase we were all independent and busy with our lives. She was left with nothing to do which must have intensified her discomfort.

Now she keeps herself busy with herself, her hobbies, her spiritual health and she is a lot better.

I wish I had known this before then I could have made that phase easier for her.

Jasjit & Chaitali:

Hats off !

Thank you for making it easier for me to understand, traverse these streams. These posts are such "must read- must absorb" for many like me, who understand the big picture but are only now beginning to negotiate the smaller streams...

Jasjit, thank you also for sharing your mother's story. Brought back images of my mother, as I sit here miles away from her... and at 73, right now, she is bustling about handling her life and her household, and being there for all of us. You have put it so wonderfully... As I watched her fight cancer, and come back, being alone with her for months, I grew to cherish her so much more. Her unconditional faith, and her Krishna consciousness awed me into getting on to the path of finding a fraction of it for myself... and it was a matter of a little conscious understanding and alertness that brought me back to a beautiful connectedness with both my parents, recieving and sharing.

Ma is the eldest in a family of 11 siblings. My grandad her father was a dewan in the erstwhile state of Mayurbhanj, considered a very progressive and very rich principality in the early 1900's. They had a girls' college and a zenana hospital, a bank, and women volunteers, a printing press and a little railway even then. She was the first girl science graduate in her district in the early 50's. By the time she completed her masters in botany, the riches and pelf had changed hands and the family was bereft of any resources. She accepted a lab assitant's position at Patna Univeristy and left home to start a life of her own, alone at 23+. She retired as a professor and head of her department after a career of 42 years. And in between she brought up her family and siblings, made sure all her brothers and sisters got an education, refusing to marry. She met my father when she was 35, an avowed spinster and he, at 44, a confirmed gay bachelor, scientist, circa late sixties London and they fell in love.. she had me when she was almost 37, and my sister at 40.

When I rag Dad about what he saw in her when he fell in love, he says even today - her quiet centeredness and her belief in her place in the scheme of things. And in bringing us up, how much they gave of that harmony and balance..

Your posts remind me of the two of them, the flowing of the E and T, and the harmony that can be, only if we are conscious. And my heart expands a little more in gratitude for entire scheme of things in my life, including this latest connection with the blog and all of you.

I truly wish that these articles reach out to many more... so exciting to hear about the plans for the blog.. God bless and God speed...

love
sukanya

It has taken me some years to grapple with the changes that have thrown my life into chaos.

Is it manifest intent that this was posted today - Jan 25th? Probably was, in the scheme of things, on the road to accepting, blessing it and letting it all go, a step towards healing..

It marks the day when my pregnancy terminated in awful circumstances, and my life turned upside down... my relationships, my world disintegrated.. but in that solitude since then, in the emptiness, I also had to deal with Ma's cancer.. that set me on the path to finding a life for myself again, because I had to survive, and survive well enough to be strong around Ma. Many tears, many wounds later, today it seems that gate is here... the rawness inside doesn't gnaw that much any more..

I share this because this milestone has changed my life completely, having caused havoc in my physical self and emotional well being.

Sharing of knowledge and experience only faciltates more sensitivity, and therefore greater acceptance of this amazing gift of life.

Thank you all, I don't feel so lonesome anymore!

interesting shares here....tx....

in contunuum, i would like to share some perspectives....

in our march towards oneness, explores bring us closer to a natural unity of things...our perceptions of the same events chnge when we look at them from a different realm of conciousness...

while appreciating nature's mechanism in management of our various sorrows and pain and seeing a critical need for its manifest, i feel looking at the basic pain itself is a critical need at any stage in our life, in a move away from palliative mechanisms...sorrow management is different from liberation from pain.....and we need to get to the roots of pain at some stage in our lives in this fascinating play...

as an instance,when we explore the T and E zones which are very critical at their levels of manifest, we need to also try and go a step back in our explores to see the nature and source of their secretions...i see the human body itself as a concept in creation, subject to various conditioning aspects...as an eg, the T and E cycles seem to manifest differently in tribal communinties at random observation....while not presenting it as a rule,both men and women seem to carry on active sex lives in a more expanded cycle of express...my expposure has been to some studies of the red indian lifestyles and some observations in the murud janjira tribal belt as well as tribal belts in andhra pradesh and central india...

in our lives, while T is a constant presence, i see it manifest more in its secretions during boredom, ,meaninglessness and loneliness...which need to be explored in their own spaces...T secretions are not independent and a function of other parameters within us...whose explores also lead to awesome discoveries....i have found awareness to be very liberating from consuming patterns...

to me, there is a need to explore pain as a fundamental state of being as different from its various manifests....while we tackle issues at their manifest levels...

while on the issue of cancer,which sukanya's mom seems to be recovering from, my explores in healing spaces have necessitated me to look at root causes in addition to immediate causes...i myself had a 5 cm tumour in my lower spine a few years back....while resorting to treatments and healings my mystical insights took me in the direction of the roots of its creation and the oneness of pain itself across realm of manifests...spiritual, psychological and physical...i saw the root in loneliness deep within that followed my father's death ...when i was able to see it clearly, the healing was very rapid...infact, it is still on record at the Jaslok Hospital in Mumbai, that astonished by my healing...i was actually discharged the very next day as against a 15 day hospitalization + 6 month rest pattern suggested by the doctors earlier...The drs also refused to take any money!!!

to me, going to the roots of pain have been very very critical and a move away from palliative sorrow mangagement mechanisms in my journey...

shared in the hope that a resonation may help people in their own spaces...

happy republic day to all of you....

Good Morning to all!

Amazing article Jasjit and Chaitali. Sorry, wasnt able to write yesterday. But I did read it and thought that the kind of information given was simply out of this world!

Annie, Jasjit, Radhika, Sukanya

Reading about your mothers and aunts, got me thinking too and I realised that it is so true. My mother is well into her menoapusal phase and the only thing that i remember her complaining of is hot flushes and thats all. Apart from the fact that she is inundated with love and care at home, she also has her own circle of friends that she enjoys "her" time with. She also practices Pranayam and Reiki regularly. Paints (on saris and pillow covers etc) every now and then as well.

It all makes sense now .......

Thank you Jasjit and Chaitali for helping us understand so much more, for expanding our narrow visions of life.

Cheers!

sundar, what you experienced is called spontaneous cancer remission(SCR)in medical circles. it is not exactly a rare occurance and, though medical science has yet not found its explanation, i have explained it in my book as happening when any one of one's organs or even one as a whole completes a cycle of evolution of one's life and begins the next.

of course, it is possible that a certain cycle of evolution in your life began with the death of your father and you felt arriving at the same 'point' again on completion of the cycle, but actually it took you to the beginning of a new cycle, at higher level. it is like arriving at the like landing in a long staircase but yet at the next.

inside our bodies, our cells, collection of cells called tissues, collection of tissues called organelles, collection of organeles called organs and so on right up to us as a whole all go through their like cycles passing in the process through the same 'mechanism.' and so, all at the end develop cancer. but so long as they are destined to go on their next cycles in this life they will automatically heal this cancer. really doctors' help is not of much significance either way.

all evolution really happens from within outwards and doctors can only help easing for us the outward manifestations of what has already happend inside. like keeping in mind the above discussion of e and t, if something (in fact the same thing which i called 'mechanism' above )from within has brought changes in the e of a female and she is having hot flushes etc, all the doctors can do is help her bear the effets of them a bit more easily. that is, they cannot prevent the change that has to come at due time.

Hello Jasjit and Chaitali

Great read! thanks. i am sure this piece is goin to appeal to every woman. lot she can identify with.

so essentially what you are saying here is that the more women try to struggle with the whole aging process, the more they try to resist it, the worse will be there menopausal phase. but if a 50 year old woman takes care of herself, in terms of keeping herself fit and beautiful (say even if she visits the beauty parlour for a new haircut or a manicure, pedicure etc), there is nothing wrong with it. as long as she doesnt do it out of frustration or to compete with the young and to fight aging, but simply bcoz she feels good about it, i guess its ok. just bcoz she has reached a certain age it is not necessary that she stops taking care of herself or that her desire to look good should die. in fact, its nice to see that their zest for life hasnt died with aging!

isnt it?

Hi Shalini

Of course one should go with what pleases the heart. However the catch is that we are so tuned to pleasing others, focussed on how we appear to them etc that it is really difficult to figure out where the line gets drawn. So looking good etc is hardly a point of contention. There are hordes of clinics, diets, yoga classes and naturotherapies available to keep fit, healthy and beautiful. The point is if it becomes a race to hang on to youth (which it largely becomes) the whole point creates stress and etc etc.
More importantly if you read books like 'Ageless Body Timeless Mind' by Dr Deepak Chopra you realize that ageing is in fact an atrophy of a stressful, anti-life state. It doesn't have to be if we learn how to flow rather than plod, resist or fight.
:-)

Hi Sundar

What a wonderful experience to actually know first hand how mind over matter is the ultimate truth. Of course here I am referring to consciousness( and not the intellect and its games) of unified intent, of seeing mind/body/spirit as indivisible and knowing that all dis(ease) is just the body pushing its emotional self through.
True cancer is nothing but old wounds not heeded. The bitterness that builds then begins to affect the cells in such a way that they refuse to die. Note the emphasis being that when emotional wounds don't die the cells finally take on that role of perpetuation. What is fascinating is that the location of the first spot/organ/gland to be affected actually points to where the wound lies. Nothing is without an asbolute scientific basis in our mind/body/spirit matrix.
Sundar the lower spine reflects both our root self and also where we seek support. The bitterness came from another life(the cat image is deeply metaphoric and connected) and when your father died the self saw the primary support dissolve because karmically you came very aware that your mother would be a great challenge. Losing you father instinctively worsened the enormity of that struggle. Fear added to the bitterness finally attacked the stem of the spine.

Great Breakthrough!

tx harb and jasjit for ur feedbacks...the hues of life!!!endless in their potentials...and so mysterious in its ways...

Hi Suknaya

What a wonderful story you share about your parents. Truly your mother must be an amazing woman, especially so for her times.

All is fortuitous, synchronicty and the flawless pulsating of potential. Every miniscule breath, thought, moment carries millions of atoms of possibilities. What we tap into, is where it becomes our life and living. Once we understand that thought right through its gut, everything changes.
:-)

jasjit, sundar, i wonder...if just mystical insights could heal...how come ramakrishna, ramana, krishnamurti and in fact many other mystics who must be seeing through the whole game and so through all their emotional wounds could not heal themselves...

so i would think they rather traversed a full cycle of their lives as a whole...

perhaps jasjit would like to throw some light on this question from an other angle.

hey harb, just to clarify , my lessons are evolving through my understanding of pain...and i see spirituality itself evolving....and it manifests in as many ways as the number of people....the variety in creation makes for unique experiences....i have had the privilege to meet jiddu...to me , he was a gyani, whether he was a mystic, i know not...i respect him deeply and have found his works very fascinating...
this are dimensions where i feel paradoxes rest in peace....it is beyond concepts....where everything merges into the ocean..i see vasanas continue to manifest in some contemporary masters i have been priviliged to come across...

to me, there is no uniformity to enlightenment and liberation, though there is an underlying manifest of the dissolution of suffering....problems may persist, but there is no suffering associated with its arising...
as i see it, mukti is liberation from suffering while moksha is liberation from the cycle of births and deaths...

these are observations of a humble student on the way....

Hey Thanks Jasjit for the response. and also, thanks for the reminder about kajol and shabana!

cancer is actually piled up bitterness. wow thats something new. i had no idea that these diseases could have these meanings as well. and after i read it, i remembered this uncle of mine, who died of cancer and now that i think about his life, its true, he was one hell of a dissatisfied and frustrated man though he never showed it.

so much to learn here!

thanks guys.

Harb

I have indeed thought much about cancer firstly because my father suffered from it and then on the Path I encountered many mystics who had cancer. Once I came across this brillaint book on Buddhist nuns (largely American) whose practices and lives were detailed. So many had either died of or developed cancer.

I see the emotional unpurged bitterness as an almost exact cue. Also because I have worked with cancer patients directly and find the analysis frighteningly accurate. Let's look at Ramakrishna-throat cancer- with that immense expansion into wisdom his throat chakra or self-expression never matched the power of his insight. I wouldn't call it bitterness in their case but defintely a 'suppression' vis-a-vis the power of the other chakras. Similarly Ramana Maharishi had a very turbulent childhood and home life for his 'sadhna' was mocked and rejected by the whole family. His mother specifically was against it and berated and badgered him to return. It was much later that she finally acknowledged who her son was and came to get diksha. His left elbow had his recurring tumour. Emotional flexibility is what the left elbow denotes. Perhaps somewhere the heart karma influenced his silence(a possibility).

I am not sure what happened to Krishnamurti so can't say. But the important thing is that like others, their cancer does accurately portray the emotional/energy obstruction they have experienced at some point of their mortal life. However I do not feel, the body or healing it, was not at all a preoccupation for any of them. Instead knowing that in letting that karma erupt through the body they disengaged and completed the cycle of that particular birth, kept them indifferent.

This is really a fascinating connection between our emotional state and cancer. Our dependency on the medical world for every single thing to do with our body has really made us neglect the whole aspect of the role of our emotional well being.

Jasjit tried to comment on your latest post but couldn't. What a cute dog. But what's its pic doing on the blog?

Hi Annie

Oops sorry, my picture uploading skills are quite wanting. Couldn't coordinat the write-up with the pix. sorry its all nicely fixed now. enjoy! :-)

Indeed all that is happening in the body is just an attention call from the heart. So many wise men/women are today turning the wheel for others to bring this ancient wisdom back into the world.

Jasjit,

Absolutely exquisite... "flawless pulsating of potential" umm... am savouring those lines. :-) Thank you..

wow! totally absorbing, and so very well-researched and refined topics on E!! I am so very glad, I was prompted to pop in today; I needed to read exactly what is here; being I'm 49, and had a hysterectomy, 4 months shy of my 40th.

I went on HRT for less than a year, but developed a large breast tumour, the size of a golf ball or plum, in the lower left quadrant of my left breast. I was told, it was the HRT! I knew the xray woman from high school; she told me to question the tumour; as it was there a year before the hysterectomy!! I did, and got yelled at by docs and the surgeon...that shut me up.

I went into immediate shock & denial; was in my first year of college at age 40-41 by then...I told NOone, until about 2 weeks prior to surgery.

I got 3 other opinions, traveling the countryside far and wide, lying to my fam and son; saying I was going for job interviews already, for post-grad in spring...I waited almost 8 months, before I'd let them take out the tumour! I insisted I finish college, and graduate(computer graphic design and desktop publishing, 97-98) IF it was cancer, I reasoned to myself; and I'm going to die; then I wanted to die, educated(dum or what?)

I let them remove the tumour, a week or so after I graduated in 98. I lost a portion of my left breast, and it was fortunately, benign. Me and my family went through emotional hell...it was easier for me to know it all alone, I thought...

So, I have not had any E since 98-99!! Yes, I've gone through the changes in a terribly dramatic way, and wax my top lip(blush)!! lol I went on everything they prescribed. I fell victim to modern science and medicine.

In 1998, I returned to college a second time, to take a Teacher Assistant-Aboriginal course. It was a 2-year course, condensed into one. It was the most brutally challenging thing I'd done!

I was NOT going to let myself fall victim to the pit-falls of middle-aged, single mothered women and poverty!!(I lost, bigtime)

So, Im only a few weeks, into the course in the fall of 98! I get tummy problems, seek help. to make a very long story shorter, I'd been infected with a bacteria called: helicobacter pylori-a mutant bacteria from the helicobacters family.

Condensing the 98-99 year, this bacteria managed to shut down my stomach, by spring of 99!! Diagnosis = atonic and atrophic gastritis, chronic fatigue syndrome by 2001, and by 2004, atrophic bile.

Not trying to sound heroic, or want pity; just trying to understand my demises; why these things happened to me; and how I can see some peaceful and obscured path for me ahead?

I completed the 2-yr condensed into one year course, with high honours, and a 4.0, made the deans list!! My spirit triumphantly, overcame my obstacles. I was also the college editor and designer of their monthly newsletter(I did 6, 12-page newsletters)

I am convinced I got the bacteria when I had the tumour removed; as it was only months later, the stomach problem started with ulcer symptoms? I had a 110% count of hp; which, when I researched the HP to death; signifies a direct contact infection!! Right now, I have an duodenum ulcer, the size of Manhatten; my surgeon said he'd never seen one so big!! I pleaded in 2002, for them to take my stomach out, do a bypass before it develops cancer! I've been trying, for 2 years for a gastroscopic, as things aren't well in there!! I"m being ignored... from 2000-2004, I suffered a blocked kidney!! I am a guinea-pig to doctors, I think??

I have hit brick wall after brick wall, trying to find some semblance of justice and truth for me.

Being a middle-aged woman, on disability for degenerative discs(7) disease and thoracic outlet syndrome; I've been fallen victim to medicine's faults....

to present date, I cannot have my voice heard; nor do I feel I get good medical treatment...neither for my son, who's kidney went atrophic in 2002; draining his other kidney down to 70%.

IN my social status; I have not been given the wisdom tag, and I feel short-changed in life.

After reading these articles, I was able to trace to the year I left my husband of 15 years!!

I am bitter, feel helpless to overcome so much change and adversity at times...though I do not sit around and mope(pout, pity) I do, I am afraid, fall into traps of fear, anger and deprivation.

so, by reading these articles on E...and knowing my medi/emotional histology this past few years.... wow! I've come to understand me a whole lot more, thanks to you two wonderful, brilliant women!!

so, my Question of HOPE is: what do I do now? not on the social issues' that's MY walk, to walk alone; but on the E issues, and my emanciating health declines?

I'm emotionally hanging on; but my physical body seems doomed to go into "organ failure" to put it mildly... In 99, I was told what an atrohic stomach does, it's worse than cancer, as there is no cure, and there is no treatment for atrohic gastritis, other than managing stomach acid/reflux and a pill to push food through duodenum faster... I also have both the hiatus and hiatal hernia's from gastroscopes as an internist told me all this nasty stuff - fired off a letter to my docs and surgeons, and now I do not get tests done,,,nor get adequate help?

I feel totally "fucked." sorry for the bad choice of word, but that's my anger and disappointment speaking...

Much love, respect, admiration and gratitude for these articles, dear ladies!! I feel like I've been awakend in many helpful ways, and I always strive to overcome the emotional depths of fear and suffering...it's my only saving Grace it would seem, as my body is doomed for failure; as they told me in 99, I'd develope stomach cancer eventually; actually they gave me 3-5 years to live before getting it......and I'm beginning my 7th year...so I KNOW< I can keep death away from my door,,,,,a lot longer than the docs think!! I've known too many people personally in town, who died of this atrophic gastritis, within 3-5 years, from stomach cancer...

I try not to think of that,,,I think of envisioning my stomach alive and well...and I think, this has been a major factor in preventing the development of cancer,,,however,,,I'm succumbing to the unreachable depths of physcial demise...and I'm so scared...still, sometimes...not even so much for me, but for my son...for my family...they won't be able to hande my passing, IF, too soon; and I know it all too well..I'm depended upon a great deal in my family,,,and I am often the rock...believe it or not..lol

I am once again, truly grateful, to the universe's push, to have me pop in this morning, and read these E articles.....

North

Dear North

You are going to be here for a long, long time my dear, designing, writing and spreading the seeds of your many gifts of hope and strength. The list of ailments sounds horrendous but if anyone has the will to heal you do. I wish I could mail you some Auyervedic remedies from here but I think the Canadian customs will have a fit. I have a friend who frequently travels to Ontario to meet her parents. I'm going to send you some stuff with her that she can mail you locally.

North a hysterctomy is an acute breakdown of the feminine principle within us. Creative, loving parts of the Yin need to be resurrected on a war footing and the left breast getting tumerous falls into the same category of feminine ability to nourish getting blocked. Your artistic work will go a long way in healing the Yin but you also need to get the anger and hurt out. Please read the Misogyny article too-it will help with some more connections.

There is much blessing around you and you will overcome it all because of that amazing faith you have in yourself and in your indomitable will.

God Bless you Northern Star.

Bless you North! you epitomize the true north that innumerable women like me still seek. Buddy please accept my heartfelt respect love and admiration. Just wanted to share these lines for you:
“...my will is part of the eternal Will ,
my fate is what my spirit’s strength can make,
my fate is what my spirit’s strength can bear;
mmy strength is not the Titan’s; it is God’s.

I have discovered my glad reality
Beyond my body, in another’s being
I have found the deep unchanging soul of love….
Then how shall I desire a lonely good,
Or slay, aspiring to white vacant peace,
The endless hope that made my soul spring forth
out of its infinite solitude and sleep?

My spirit has glimpsed the glory for which it came,
The beating of one vast heart in the flame of things,
My eternity clasped by His eternity,
And tireless of the sweet abysms of Time,
Deep possibility always to Love……
This, this is first, last joy and to its throb
the riches of a thousand fortunate years
Are poverty. Nothing to me are death and grief
Or ordinary lives and happy days……
I treasure the rich occasion of my birth:
In sunlight and a dream of emerald ways
I shall walk with him like gods in Paradise.
If for a year, that year is all my life……

And yet I know this is not all my fate,
only to live and love awhile and die.
for I know why my spirit came on earth
and who I am and who he is I love.
I have seen God smile at me,
I have seen the Eternal in a human face……

Strength, spirit and prayers to you.. I only cope with a fraction that you must and I had to tell you how much i admire your courage and spirit..

love
sukanya

HI Jasjit, thankyou; yes, I will read the thread on that; I had a quick read over the main-page's preview of it earlier? I thought it pertained to mostly men, so I didn't go in...but will tomorrow; I've just about used up my PC time for today(son's turn!!) and he has exams next week, and needs the PC--his exam is in Anthropology, and he loves it! Jasjit; if you think this will help me; I'll gladly accept! I need miracles; I'd give just about anything to be able to go to India to get healed; living this way, is too much to bear on the human body/mind...my spirit seems at least, still intact? lol but, please, if you find a way to do this; add the costs/bill with the pkg? I really would try to pay for it of course : ) Jasjit, I am ready to try something new; I've given up on my docs! When the internist fired of an angry letter to my docs and surgeons; I've had NO respect from them ever since! ughh!

Yeah, I do have lots of anger, so tomorrow at morning rise; will read the article after my meditations(wink)

Sukyana...that was so moving!! Did you write those lines? So provocative and profound, of the human spirit!! thankyou for sharing this; very calming...I wanted more, more, more! lol

Jasjit, I could see more and more how things began 15 years ago when I left my husband...first, insomnia, irritable, etc...I thought it was a normalcy to what I was enduring, as we were married 15 years; that's a long time, to walk away from. Within 2 years, is when my womanly organs began to disease...four more after that, I had the hysterectomy...wow,,,,,IF only I had known this stuff then; I'd have saved my own life...in a sense...

reminds me of a quote on a statue I seen when I was about 16 years old...a little old man, holding a sign saying: "If I had known I'd have lived this long; I'd have taken better care of myself!" I bought it to remind me,,,over the years, it was abandoned to back rooms, and storaged... I should have kept it up front, and center!! lol

thanks Jasjit and Sukyana... I feel blessed by the gifts of compassion you both offer towards my direction!

North

Dear North,

We are glad that the article has helped you realise a lot of things. North let me tell you that after reading your post I have only one thing to say: You are a miracle by your self so I don't know what is there for you to fear. You have not allowed all the ailments dampen your spirit in anyway. You are truly an extraordinary person. I have no doubt in my mind that your faith and more so your love for your son and your family will sail you through your ordeals.

A big hug
Chaitali

Dear North,

Cant add anything more to what has already been said so aptly by Jasjit, Sukanya and Chaitali. All I can say is, keep the faith, just the way you have, always.

God bless you.

lots of love and hugs to you :)

Dear North

Had the opportunity to visit your site. You are so so talented. Just the fact that such beauty flows out of you in the midst of so much strife is evidence of the intense power and beauty of your soul. God bless you North.

love
anusheh

Wow! I am blessed too much! thankyou everyone; not for the praise as such; but for recognising my strengths, through all the changes upon me.

I believe too; it is my faith towards a higher purpose, plan or lesson; which constitutes control over my thinking; but, ultimately it is the never giving up or in factor; which keeps the gates of hope open, the home-fires of ones heart burning; and the aspiration to reach for the stars...glowing like embers...

I've had some wonderful revelations after reading the other blog Jasjit! I can almost see how, after leaving my husband; and becoming both a father and mother to our son; and the prime caregiver and supporter; my body began to make way for the role reversal.Have I de-constructed the perception, properly perhaps? I am just guessing, because thus far, this is what seems to be unfolding in my mind; at break-neck speed!

My awakenings of late; leave me breathless, and as I gasp once in a while in recovery from a realization; I feel enfolded at last, within.

I have this blog-site to thank, it's contributors brilliance, and dedication to healing! How does one thank so many, for so much insight and support?

I feel I am being re-born into a new complete "space" within. Very cozy, as I embrace and anticipate more revealing sources, which have been ultimately; become my open windows and doors; once locked, and now flown open, to reveal a new breeze(perception.)

All my love in return, to each of you...I am without further words, to describe my appreciation and gratitude, for these gifts of hope and such tender, gentle encouragement, to keep going, keep striving to open another heavy-laden door or barred window!

North

Jasjit, et al; lately after meditations, the past few days; I get a pounding headache at the front of the forehead!

At first, I thought it was the glaucoma pressures of the eyes; but, it seems more in the fore-head near the pituitary gland? I've more than slashed my reading in half, resigned a very stressful position as President of an Auxillary, and I've been sleeping better this past week, than I have in the past few years!

Since the late 70's; I was taught to put a finger on the pituitary area; apply some pressure, to relieve a headache; but, this tecnique, having amazingly rarely failed me in the past 30+ years, to relieve minor headache or stressed eyes from reading or on the PC; this technique, fails me now.

Am I meditating wrong? Is this to be expected?

North

Dear North

The healing has begun. the pain is natural. Will write you a longer e-mail on what to expect with the different meditations. Energy blocked off for eons will flow out from different points and will be experienced as intense heat or pain. that you have begun to sleep better is the first good sign. Expect to sleep deeper and longer and allow the body the rest it needs because it heals best in sleep. More in the e-mail.

Love and hugs

Thanks Jasjit, recieved your EM,,,and replied...

Yes, I've not slept this well or deep in a very long time! I feel rejuvinated in that, itself!

North

Dear Anusheh....just saw your post re: my designs at Spirits of the Four Winds! Not sure how I missed your post yesterday?

Thankyou Anusheh; it is encouragement like yours; which keeps me inspired and aspiring to create what my third eye blind, sees.

This is one of my greatest pleasures; is creating a picture...

North

Twenty years of struggle against AIDS. Grassroots campaign against AIDS. The struggle to find a cure for AIDS has contributed to other areas... WBR LeoP