Dear Anusheh,

How convenient it is indeed for us adults to forget that children too are sexual beings. We expect them to know and understand and feel everything the moment they are grown ups. We forget that growing up is an ongoing process. And as you said that erections when still in the womb and experience orgasms when just five months old, well, what can one say afer that!!

Great piece Anusheh!

Hi Anusheh, Good Morning Shubhosree,

Anusheh, a piece that is very close to my heart. Generally I read the articles in the morning and write on the blog at night but I couldn't help responding to this article immediately.

What surprises me is that even with all the restrictions on touching genital organs in public, one sees grown up adult men urinating 'happily' on the road with their penis exposed to the public.

I have often seen children of 3-4 years being fascinated by their mother's breasts and often going and touching other women (their aunts or their mom's friends)to check whether even they have breasts too. Isn't it amazing how children learn on their own to make these connections!

This is a qustion that I wanted to ask you in one of the earlier pieces but couldn't. I think somewhere in one of the articles there was some mention about good touch and bad touch which parents should tell their children about. Can you tell me about this?

Love
Annie

Dear Anusheh

No matter how many times one writes about the childhood creation/destruction/distortion of our sexuality it is just not enough. Perhaps because everyone is in such denial about the kind of childhood they have experienced. To share just two of the horrific experiences of clients.

a) This young woman came to me after she got married and thpough was deeply in love with her husband could not understand why any 'contact' with her vagina just ended all sexual desire. the meditations revealed a deep 'disgust and sense of shame'. After a really difficult recall process she finally 'sees' that when she was around 3-4 she and her sister (older) would often bathe together and one day their mother found them touching each other's vagina and giggling. She smacked them really hard and applied red chillies to their vaginas. The girls suffered the burning for more than a week and the mother said it would be worse if she ever found them touching themselves or each other. She also remembered that when her sister started to develop breasts (pematurely according to her mother) her mother would send her to bed tightly bound with a cloth around her chest which would hurt and making sleeping impossible. Interestingly her elder sister now lives abroad and is in a lesbian relationship and refuses to even speak to her mother.

b) This young man came suffering from what he believed was impotence. He said he could not get an erection and had these constant nightmares through teenage that someone has torn off his penis. Again he could not remember anything in childhood and after some deep meditations saw that when he was really small (younger than 5) an older aunt who lived with them hit him with a stick on the hand really hard if he touched/played with his penis. One day she bound his penis really tightly for a few hours and the pain made him faint. Finally his parents discovered what had happened and sent the aunt away. However nothing was really done to heal the fear.

The physical/psychological impact is so deep because as you say that is how the adults imprint the sexual into the mind of the child. The natural relationship with the body is totally DAMAGED and memory replaces reality.

Jasjit, those were such horrific incidents! Something must have been terribly wrong with those women to be doing such violent things?!

Absolutely dreadful! How deep-rooted must the sense of shame be in the women about their own genitals that they resorted to such heinous acts!

Thats why its so important to try and make this generation aware about these things so that they can stop this vicious cycle! I know, "you may say I am a dreamer" ........ but I am not the only one .....

Oh Yes!

As adults know it children definetly are sexual beings, but as a child knows it, it is only the sense of pleasure that they get from touching and feeling.They either explore their own bodies, including all that is excreted out(children exploring their own shit or picking their nose etc.)

My son was around three years old when one day he called to show me something he had discovered. He was lying on the bed naked, he asked me to watch and as i did he took his penis in his hand and said, "look look ma when i pull on it, it gets bigger, its magic".

The look of happiness on his face, helped me lighten up on the matter and laugh out loud. I did not have any answers for him but as i thought about it, i realised there was no need for it, he had discovered something and he was delighted by it.

Now he has just turned six, and he did it to me again. As we lay around on our bed, chatting he told me how, when he likes someone(and not when he loves them,he was quite specific about that)he feels good and his penis gets hard.

This time i was stumped, i looked at him, i let it pass(i am still stumped).

Hi everyone

Jasjit horrific stories indeed. Ignorance is a dangerous thing and fear can indeed turn us into wild beasts.

Annie because children are sensual beings they are very quick to know which touch makes them feel good and which touch makes them feel bad. However because as adults we confuse them (no this is your uncle so let him kiss you etc) the boundaries begin to get confused.

Its important first of all to let children decide for themselves as to who they want to go to and who they dont want near them. It is also important to explain to them that any touch that doesnt feel right to them is bad, any touching on the area which gets covered by a swimsuit is not ok other than when mummy bathes them. And that if an incident does happen its never their fault and they should tell immediately no matter what the other person says to them. Most importantly parents need to break the secrecy that exists around the body and make sure that their kid always has the space to come to them and discuss these things. And the only way to do that is to ensure that you are making your child comfortable with his/her body and letting them set their own boundaries. Its crucial for adults to respect childrens boundaries.

Hope this helps
love

Hi Madhavi

Maybe its advisable to just have a little informal/light chat with your son and ask him whether anyone has been talking to him about his penis or touching it. For a six year old to discern between love and like and be so clear about it seems a little unusual as does him experiencing this kind of conscious sexual response.

Its always better to be safe...

Good Morning Everyone :-)

Dear Anusheh,

A beautifully put article and equally open comments. Makes one see the importance of some minute things that parent ignore / overdo to their children that harms them in long run.

Liked these lines for their subtle underlying truth:

- "spirituality’ is nothing but in fact the road to reclaiming that innocence as our ‘natural essence’."
- "Its crucial for adults to respect childrens boundaries."

I see people taking their children in the wrong direction (in discussion or answering to their innocent Questions) just to set their record straight ignoring how it might skew the child's perception and harm him/her much later. As Jasjit narrated those incidents, its so clear how things are rooted deep in our past - in our early childhood, and somewhere they give rise to problems in our adulthood - much later.

Annie, you've picked some valid points there about the touch.

It all seems to give one an easy insight to how parents should take such things with their young ones, give them space, discuss things at an appropriate time & try to make things easy for them and not confuse them further with our 'adult' thinking.

Reading all the comments here has made it pretty clear that it is in the early age when notions / understanding of one's own sexuality / sensuality are founded. The clearer they are, the better it is for the person and hence better for his/her young ones too.

Once again an enriching experience :)

Good morning Surya and thank you.It is a vicious cycle, isnt it? What stifles you as a child and becomes your bane is what you inevitably propagate as well. How ironic is life?

Hi Guys. Missed all of you and this space the last few days, even though we were holidaying:-) Have returned restful and ready to face the world again. I promise to try and catch up here.

Anusheh, informative and well presented as always. I have to say that Madhavi's story really unnerved me. Just goes to show how right you are - we are so ill equipped to handle these kinds of situations.

I have a question though. Do you think that what Madhavi's son is experiencing can also just be part of a normal developmental process? Just wondering because I'm feeling as stumped as Madhavi.

Its good to be back:-)

"What stifles you as a child and becomes your bane is what you inevitably propagate as well."

I guess that happens bcoz thats all the child knows. you give what you have/get. he doesnt know any other way to be ...

Good to have you back Radhika! We missed the sole 'DUO' of the blog :-)

Hi Radhika, good to have you back.

Shubhz of course what we learn is who we are but one just has to be careful that doesnt become an excuse for stagnation.

lots of love

Thank you Anusheh

I have definitely thought about a gentle talk, but somehow I have been unable to sort out on, how to approach it.

1. I am not sure if this is just the natural process of growing up. Is he open enough to talk to me as we have always managed (so far) to keep open lines of communication? Also the other factor to this whole subject, is, the fact that there is no concept of “haw haw” or “shame shame” when it comes to nudity, ingrained in my children (my son and my daughter, before the onset of puberty) walk around the house, topless or bottomless quite often. My mother, as an example, was a fat lady, but she never shied away from wearing a swimsuit to the pool, (minus the towel wrapped around her). She helped me tremendously to be comfortable in my own skin. I guess I am just following the trend set by my mom.
2. The real crux of the matter is, "myself" the mother. As most mothers I am biased by my Childs innocence and have yet to get a logical perspective of the confusion in my own mind

Finally, about the good touch and bad touch-I have 3 most amazing books which were given to me by a friend in the US.

They are called

a) What should you do when……? This talks about what children can do, e.g.: when a TV programme is too scary, you can change the channel or when you do something for the first time you may not know what to expect, usually your mom or dad are there to help you.
b) Your body is your own…This starts off talking about the time you were a baby and your parents, washed, cleaned, changed your clothes and hugged and cuddled you and then it goes forward to say, now you are not a baby anymore, your body is your own and you can say who can touch it or not. It carries on in the same vein.
c) Sometimes it’s Ok to tell secrets…..this book starts by asking if you have ever kept a secret and then talks of how it can be fun to keep secrets and then talks about times when it is better to tell on some secrets instead of lying or worrying about them and being uncomfortable.

All these three books, I have found are a must for all parents and people dealing with children. They are to be read together with the child. They are simple one liners, with illustrations written by “Amy C Bahr” they are slated for ages 4-7 and yes I recommend them highly.

There is also a fourth called which is called “It’s Ok to say No”

One more point, i have spoken as openly to mothers and other adults and all of them have reacted, positively or negatively but none has helped sort out my thoughts:)

Dear Madhavi

It's wonderful to see the kind of 'awareness' you are placing in their upbringing. Especially in making them comfortable with body and skin, the most critical and least addressed aspects of growing up. Mothers like you warm my heart and I truly feel your children are blessed for frankly in my long years of working with trauma, especially child sexual abuse, I am of the opinion finally that parenting the world over is the most distorted and unaddressed problems in the world. Willy nilly procreation allows people to become guardians of tiny angels whose innocence and potential is then brutally destroyed by indifferent, inept and unformed parenting.

So salutations to you rare mother!

Madhavi I am not sure what you refer to in your last comment. If you could clarify maybe I could share some of my experiences.

As for the 'gentle talk' you refer to why not just ask the little one if anyone else has ever touched his penis, talked to him about it, asked him to touch his/her body part or shown him some 'strange' pictures. You see the erection he gets is a normal indication of the 'excitement' he feels emotionally when drawn to someone or as he says 'liking' them. His awareness and articulation of the same just seem unusual. Hope this helps!

Good Luck! :-)

Dear Madhavi,

Feels good to see such awareness in a parent. Gives us all hope that may be the next generation will be free from some self-constricting fundas! The sexual is a very sensitive issue to be dealt with when it comes to kids. It is important to understand when and how much to tell them. And its good to see you making all the right efforts in this direction :-)

Cheers!

Hi Anusheh

Good piece! But will you guys stop scaring us. I mean after reading Madhavi I'm wondering why we can't have a special school where babies can be sent to be tutored on the big S. Like why doesn't Ifsha set up a chain. WHY do parents have to do it all? Aaaaaargh its scary !!!!!!!

I mean its scary all this knowing of how unknowing you are as a parent. I think I'm going to sell Radhika a deal she can't refuse on how this is her area of parenting with the kids. I'll take on everything else!

Will someone help me sell itvto her? :-]

Hi Madhavi

Icompletely agre with Anusheh's advice. it seems a little too soon for 6 yr old to be so receptive to his sexuality.

An interesting sighting - an old friend confessed how he accedentally discovered the pleasure of his penis. He was 12, accedentally bumped into a wall and to his amazment he was some how enjoying hardness against the wall...and the known story
continues till date..

Accidents are pleasing at times but not at a tender age.

Love to all
sahaya

Hi Sahaya

Thanks for sharing that story and good to see you here. Venkat I'm afraid you're on your own on this one:)On the other hand you may just make a deal what with promising to do 'everything' else.

love

Dear Anusheh,

wonderful article.

I do think children have a sexual self. and one of the harmless gestures that makes them realise it more is the taunt that most of us usually use when we see a naked child...we shout " Shame, Shame puppy shame"...(if I am not mistaken).

I think harmless things like these gestures add up and become potential factors of inducing shame (hence a feeling of sexuality) in children.

an unconditioned child is more blunt in his sexual perception when compared to the exposed one.

lots of love.

dear Anusheh,

i do agree that a child has a sexual self .the connections of sexuality with all the other factors of life and society are moulded by the family and the enviornment ...

Jasjit,
terryfying stories ...i cant even start to imagine the pain they wud have gone through ...

shame and guilt are some of the things which should never be associated with sex..
once these theories are imprinted on a childs psyche they generate into various distortions which decreases a childs self worth and self esteem which continues in most of the cases to adulthood..may be the only solution to most of the cases is to give unconditional love to a child and to help the child evaluate their own behaviours corresponding to how they feel..

i feel silence is the culprit most of the time..when there is no one to share your inner horrors they start eating your soul...breaking the silence and not being ashamed would make things lot more easier...communication is the key.....

Anusheh,

I'm just absorbing all the information that is coming on this piece. And I hope that I can utilise it as a parent.

Venkat,

Yeah it's scary but something that is absolutely unavoidable on the part of both the parents.

A sentence of Jasjit's stood out for me. "Interestingly her elder sister now lives abroad and is in a lesbian relationship and refuses to even speak to her mother".

I have a few gay and lesbians (g & l) friends whose backgrounds and childhood I am familiar with. Invariably, as in Jasit's narrative, I believe there was some aspect of their growing up that influenced their sexual preference in adulthood. It is also possible that their childhood was unusual precisely because of the innate g & l nature itself. Yet, I believe that most in the g & l community can trace their sexual preference to impactful incidents during childhood which moulded them this way.

I know my argument is ridiculed by g & ls, and researchers who have studied this. And I am sure there are exceptions where innate g & l nature exists from birth with minimal external influence. But these are exceptions, not the rule. I believe that more than half of g & l people chose their path due to out of the ordinary incidents from childhood. And many of them, well intentioned as they are, do not acknowledge such incidents as the pivotal cause of their sexual preference.

Tying this in to your topic, this is another important reason why parents and dominating figures must be exceptionally gentle to children when it comes to matters relating to sexuality and their natural curiosity.

I am curious about your thoughts on this issue. Most definitiely the sexual preference of an individual is entirely her/his business and should never be used as a basis for any sort of discrimination. My thoughts are honest and respectful, even if my belief of the dominant cause here is incorrect. Love,

Dear Harvinder

Welcome to the blog.

I tend to agree with you entirely on this matter. And let me thank you for a very lucid post on this. In our work with gay and lesbian people we have also clearly seen (through their own eyes) that sexual orientation is closely connected to childhood experiences. They could range from child sexual abuse, to problems with father figures, to lack of nurturing from mothers etc. Having said this I think the reason why people resist such information is because they are scared that it could be used to call them 'abnormal', 'unnatural' etc. That is completely understandable at one level.

Like you say discrimination of any sort however cannot and should not be tolerated. Everyone has a right to express their sexuality in their own unique way....and having said that I am not talking about sexual offenders.

love

Dear Harvinder,

Welcome to the blog!

Couldnt agree with you more ...

Dear Harvinder

Amazingly lucid thoughts on the subject. I am so glad you have come out and expressed the 'controversial' because you see it as your truth. Like Anusheh said, our long work at Ifsha with gay men (and women) has proved almost unequivocally that all sexual preferance comes from a 'childhood'. In fact that is why we are bi-sexual because the half that does not get 'nurtured' must then seek 'completion' through attraction/gravitation to that half. Simply put that is all what sexuality is all about.

In fact this insight makes being 'gay' not unnatural/abnormal. However blinded by their 'war' for recognition many gay men/women are hugely irate at this connection. Unfortunate because as this blog intends, the idea is that unless sexuality is wholeseome/healthy/joyful why should it be mine? Which is not to accuse homsexuality of not being that because of its nature but simply stating that 'all' sexuality needs contemplation and healing before you can experience it as an orgiastic splendour of your life. In fact if we focus on our own as being 'incomplete' we will have less time to point fingers at others and call them unnatural/abnormal etc.

So Thanks Harvinder for opening this critical door. I shall soon post a very interesting piece I came across on another site on the very same subject. You will enjoy it!

Dear Anusheh,

Thanks for the info on good touch and bad touch

Jasjit,

'In fact that is why we are bi-sexual because the half that does not get 'nurtured' must then seek 'completion' through attraction/gravitation to that half. Simply put that is all what sexuality is all about.'

Also taking from what you have written about bi-sexuality and sexual intimacy in Chaitali's post on Gay, it would mean that in any type of relationship that involves sexual intimacy it's really the masculine/feminine essence of a person that we are attracted to. Sex (as in the physical body) and gender (as in being a man/woman) has nothing to do with it.

Also if impactful incidents in childhood lead to sexaul preferences in g & l, the same will be the case among those who prefer heterosexuality?

Dear Anusheh, Shubhosree, Jasjit

Thank you for your responses and thoughts. Jasjit, I look forward to your article. I have been reading previous posts and I am highly impressed by the insights and warmth from all. Congratulations on an amazing blog.

Anusheh, you have an exceptionally beautiful name. I just checked up what it means - happy, fortunate. Well, I think we are both happy and fortunate to read your thoughts on this blog!

Best wishes to all.

Dear Harvinder

Thank you that is very kind of you. I look forward to reading more of your insightful comments.

love

Hi Madhavi

Would love to know the titles of the books you mention. I know I'm going to need all the help I can get. What with Venkat making public deals to opt out of his share!!!!

Jasjit

o.k I get now what you mean about being bisexual. Makes sense. But I'm still not clear how and why we choose?

Hi everyone!

Sorry have been a little preoccupied with work lately and my home computer had conked off. Anyways, had so much to read!! and to be honest, i am running out of ways to say what a blessing each piece on this blog has been! well there you go, i managed to find another way :-)

i have always believed that being gay is just another way of life and it should not be judged and would start arguing with anyone who would. but today, after reading the piece i realise that, that was without understanding. i would still not tolerate any nonsense from anyone but now i would speak from an understanding that didnt exist before. thanks you guys!!!

Hello Radhika

Here are the names of the books-

a) What should you do when……?
b) Your body is your own…
c) Sometimes it’s Ok to tell secrets

All these three books are written by “Amy C Bahr”

There is also a fourth called which is called “It’s Ok to say No”

Hi Anusheh

I think its Ok for me to let this pass as another anecdote in his(my son)life.I think its my mother's instinct that is prompting me not to give it more importance than its due:)

Hi Madhavi

Nothing more important than your own intuition and of course you must follow it:)

love

Dear Anusheh

"I cannot help but feel saddened at how ‘growing up’ is one long road to losing innocence...." brilliantly put ! Simply amazing

Am reminded of a poem (in urdu) and it goes

"Bachchon ke Nanhe haathon ko
Chaand Sitare chhune do
Char kitabein padhke
Woh Bhi hum jaise ban jaayenge"

To innocence :-)

Hi Prasun,

Thanks for that rather apt poem. Here's to innocence :)

I liked the article.

Have a question. When these Sadhus or Munis etc or any other person is devoiding himself of sex then he/she is doing a world of harm to him/her. Not having sex is unnatural. Is it not?

Hmmm

Simply speaking, repression of sex is not natural, however transcending sex is not a state of repression. One can't really generalise with regard to all Sadhus and Munis etc. Depends on whether they are repressing the sexual or have transcended it.